Lynnez49

Let me start by saying I'm the girlfriend (or ex) of a crack addict. (I've been clean 2-1/2 years from pills myself.) For 6 years I've been with him. He got out of prison after 5 years & said he'd never use again. 6 weeks later he relapsed. Went to jail. Sent to 4 month rehab. 12 hours later relapsed. Assaulted me. Went to jail. You get the picture. He will NOT do a program. He said he can quit anytime he wants. Will NOT do meetings. He got out again in May. Said he'd NEVER use or drink again. He had NO problem. He "put himself in check every day". Was doing relapse prevention counseling but refused to go to meetings.

After 4 weeks began to tell me "why can't I have 1 beer". And "if I relapse, don't throw me out. I'll just try again." I had set down the rule that ONE relapse...he was gone. (He gets violent when he drinks & uses) The next day he was high. Spent over $500 in 8 hours. I threw him out. He kept using & begging me to take him back. He was thrown out of his daughters & had one week to find a "permanent residence" or his p.o. would put him back in jail. I still said "no". So, he threatened to kill himself & an old girlfriend is letting him stay on her couch "until he gets it together".

This is his pattern. He comes home. He uses. I throw him out. He finds a woman to take him in. 1st woman was a drinking buddy. But he beat her almost to death. Attempted suicide & I took him back. He has a son with this old girlfriend & her son doesn't want daddy out on the street. Funny thing I've even heard from the women there is no sex. So, I know this is his way to manipulate me & it usually works.

He stays with them for 4 weeks. When he thinks I've learned my lesson, he comes home & I give in. I knew that as soon as he showed up at the door I'd give in. I was afraid of the consequences. He has been getting more & more violent. I moved 2,000 miles away so I would not continue to "enable him" and save my life.

Question is....is it still enabling him to write him letters every day telling him to get clean & I'll come home. I berate him for everything he's done & tell him he can do better. I get angry. I get sad. And I keep writing a letter a day to him. I have heard nothing from him in 4 weeks. Do letters do any good? Am I just showing him that he can still manipulate me & if he ignores me I'll come home & the insanity will continue. I've done the same thing for 6 years now. And NOTHING has changed. Except he knows that no matter what he says or does I'll take him back. He did show up the day I left looking for me. And was shocked when I was gone. NO MORE SAFETY NET!!!

I'm not sure he'll ever get clean. I've always written letters & they have done no good. But am I helping by writing the letters or should I make him see that I've had enough. And that he can no longer manipulate or use me. Should I just break off all contact & let him perhaps finally hit a bottom.

Lynne

tuffenuff

Definately, I would not write anymore letters. I sure hope you didn't put a return address on them? He just may hop on a bus and show up at your door when he can't manipulate anymore people where he is at. In fact, addicts LOVE geographical changes, it allows them to use and manipulate a WHOLE NEW group of people. Some addicts never get clean. That is a sad fact.. Addiction progresses and violence increases. No matter how bad it has been, it CAN always get WORSE. Please, protect yourself and your child. There really ARE good, decent non-using
hard-working loving men out there. Good luck sweetie.
~Melanie~

Lynnez49

He knows exactly where I am. I was living here when he walked back into my life 7 years ago. He even has this phone number. I even offered to buy him a ticket if he wants to start over in a new place. I just keep hoping that he will get clean some day & we can have our life back. But I wonder if I'm just wishing for something that will never happen. He admits he has a problem. He just can handle it on his own. He even does programs in jail & loves them. But won't continue on the outside.

Lynne

Moontime

Do you see any patterns of insanity here? With you thinking about taking him back or moving back, he's already manipulating and making your life unmanageable (renting space in your head) and he hasn't even responded to your mails yet. I guess the question I would ask, is why do you feel the dependence to take someone back who's really sick and hasn't been able to get the right help when he's been in your care before? What evidence has been shown to you by him that he's on the recovery process? Even then I would at least a year for him to get fully involved in recovery before you put your life at risk again.

Sugah

Cool thing - the internet is so huge, and yet, when my regular board is down, I come over here and run into a friend.

I replied to you on the other side of cyber space, Lynne, about my experiences with a violent addict - and admitted to you that I was a violent addict, too. It looks like you're getting the same kind of responses from others who are/were/know violent addicts.

The thing that struck me this time about what you shared is that he hasn't made any attempt to contact you in four weeks. You're asking if you're enabling him when you write him every day. This is just what I would think if I were in his shoes: "I can keep going, doing what I want, and if it falls through, I still have Lynne as a safety net. All I have to do is clean up for a short time, and she'll come traipsing back across the country to take care of me." That's exactly what I would think. If he hasn't completely lost you, then he's got a cushion between himself and his bottom. I thank my HP today for those who didn't deprive me of mine.

Take it for what it's worth. I'm still praying for you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah (aka Jody)

daydream

Lynne, I too married an addict. At the time we married, I had been clean for 2 years and he had been clean for about 6 years, both of us in NA. Throughout the marriage, he was verbally and emotionally abusive. He blew money and maxed out our credit cards. He lied about making payments, then he lied about lying. We fought all the time. When I was 5 1/2 years clean, he relapsed. Violence entered my life. Our young son witnessed that. I tried begging and threatening to leave him if he didn't get clean. He'd promise to do better, but nothing changed. I had stopped living the program and I WAS ALLOWING SOMEONE TO HAVE AND TO USE DRUGS IN MY HOME. About 4 months later, I was so emotionally exhausted that I relapsed right along with him. The following year I discovered that he'd been having an affair for 18 months. Although I'd wanted out of the marriage for a long time, it wasn't until I discovered the affair that I threw him out. When I got clean again, I realized I had only married him because I thought no one else would have me. My self esteem was so low that I didn't think a kind and responsible man would want me. We divorced 9 years ago and it has taken me all these years to heal. I've been clean again for 4 1/2 years. It has only been in the past year that I've come to believe I deserve a good man and that I AM good enough. I hope you'll heed what others have shared and free yourself up for a better life. I doubt you want to spend the next 30 years in this futile cycle.

Gooch

Lynne have you read this?


Addictive Relationships

Lynnez49

Thanks everyone. Pretty much heard what I knew in my heart. For 6 years this man has done what he wanted and when it all fell apart there was "good old Lynne" to pick up the pieces. When I threw him out over 2 years ago he picked up a drinking buddy and was with her for about 3 months until "it all fell apart". Then he came back to good old Lynne. And even though I'm 2,000 miles away he still has GOOD OLD LYNNE when it all falls apart. He knows where I am & I've even given him the phone number. (Which I do think he tried to call a couple times, but my mom answered).

Between this board & my counselor I've decided that "Letting Go" means just that. Let HIM go. Let him crash & burn & NOT be there to pick up the pieces. I used to think that no matter what HE did I was the only one who "believed in him & stood beside him". When in reality...I was his BIGGEST enabler.

I can still have hope & not close the door forever. But I do need to go on with MY life & don't count on him ever changing.

Lynne

Gooch

Thats a healthy attitude and in the long run what is best for you both.