Nickaddict

I am praying to God more and am telling him about the horrible feelings that creep up on me (fysical cravings).
I tell him that I don't know what they are - although I'm sure it's an underlying problem, the drugs are only a sympton - but that the only way *I* know what to do about them is use drugs.
And then I cry...I don't know why but I just cry...

I feel so powerless because the dopethoughts are strong and this week I'm getting my money.
My sponsor tells me I am too focused on NOT using drugs. This confuses me.
Isn't that the idea? I do not understand - am I doing something wrong?

Also, the fysical cravings I get are not reckognized by any NA member I've talked with. For instance I get a burning feeling in my head, much like I have a fever, but it's the obsessive desire to use drugs.
My hands get cold, I start to sweat and need to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes.
My drug of choice is cocaine by the way and my doctor told me that such an addiction is not fysical. Yeah right...so why am I feeling this way??

All I know how to do now is to pray. Only God seems to really listen and really understand what I'm going through.
Basicly I feel alone...I thought I wasn't that different from other addicts but nobody seems to know what I'm talking about when I speak of my fysical sensations. This scares me

Please, if you reckognize them, tell me. I feel alone.

sayaprayer

God made each and every one of us in a unique way, you may be goin through change that interacts a way of depression, bein early in recovery your brain is startin a recovery process, your brain cells are in repair hense the head rushes, i can relate to what you are goin through, your endorphines are repairin from the damage over the years , so instead of givin in to what makes you sad , do somethin to challenge yourself ie prayin doin somethin for your local church , i feel the reason you are like this is due to bordom. so keep yourself active dont let the devil have his foothold in your life. you are in our prayers , keep the faith. your sponser may not always be right prayer and meditation will show you the way, God bless.

nocoke

Nickaddict,
I think I have been through what you are describing. My DOC is also cocaine. Sometimes when I get a craving I will let it take over my mind. I will sit and think about how much I want to get high over and over and over. My stomach will get upset and I will get light headed. It's kind of like it was when I was using and I knew I was about to score. I guess it's caused from the anticapation. The trick for me is when I get a craving now I remind myself it will pass and it is only a craving, than I do something, anything to keep me busy. Like do the dishes, take a shower, go for a walk or call a friend. I can't just sit there and let it eat me up because eventually I would say screw it I can't take it and use. It was hard at first but once I realized it really worked I would feel proud of myself for not going out and using. It made me think maybe I could actually beat this thing and it does get easier. Don't know if this is what you are going through but I hope it helps in some way. Your not alone. Tammy

godsonmyside

I dont tell God how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my God is!!!!!!!!


Peace,
Todd J.

tink360

I may be wrong but i think what your sponser means by bieng too focused on not using drugs is probably that your so focused on not using that the nore you think about not using the mor eyou want to use. im not sure if this makes sense but i remmember there was a time when i was so obsessed with bieng clean and sober that i made myself sick with cravings. being highly focused on bieng sober still requires us to think about the drug and in thinking about it we may begin to phisically desire it and what it did to us. i knowit may sound wierd and again i could be wrong but its the only thing way i can think of to explain what may be happening to you. i just hope you feel better soon and let go and let god.

Time2Surrender

Just my humble opinion,I beleive when someone really wants recovery with all their heart and has no reservations in their recovery,the cravings start to go away.I only have a little over 5 months myself.I would be lying to say I dont have the occasional craving.But,when they come I don't dwell on them.I do what ever I need to do to stay clean.A phone call,a meeting.Whatever.Hang in there Nick.Keep sharing and keep praying.You are not alone.

taintedone2

i don't think it is a truly physically addicting thing - but i think it is so mentally addicting that the mind makes the body have physical reactions. this month is my two year date for being sober. for some reason, this month is the hardest one yet. i get anxiety often, or severely depressed, my hands shake sometimes. i get the 'jitters' just like i did when i was using. the going to the bathroom response that you have ---i have had that. it's your mind telling your body to react the way it used to when you thought you were going to get a hit - or after you just did one. I keep hoping that as time goes on, the desire will go away - sometimes i don't think about it for a week, sometimes i think about it constantly. I was addicted for about 9 months. every day, all day - all night, up to 4 days in a row. very hard to quit. very hard to stay off of it even though i now have my health back, a great job again, a new car - new place, electronics again (they were all gone 8-)....basically, i have money - that can be good and bad. i just keep reminding myself that if i do it just one time, well, you just want more - all the money i have would be gone. and - i had built up quite a tolerance - i think i would probably kill myself by OD'ing if i tried it again today. i tried lots of drugs, never liked them..never liked powder cocaine - did nothing for me. tried meth, did nothing for me - in fact i disliked that feeling immensely. then..i tried the one thing i DID like - i loved it...the hard white...from what i read, the urge never goes away. i just try to win the battle day by day. don't know how long you've been sober - but even after two years, i still occasionally have those same physical reactions you describe. it is your mind, making your body react - your mind will always want it - and your body will never understand, it wants it too - i guess your soul or your willpower has to be the one thing that doesn't want it.

Running

Make a plan. When you decided to stop using you gave up certain parts of your life. Now you have to replace the drug with other things. Fill in the gaps where cocaine use to be. This will also help you not to think about it all so much. You have to stay determined, but in my experience thinking about being sober also makes me think about being high.

I decided to stop using cocaine about three months ago and I've screwed up a few times, but I'm still determined to stay off it. I could always tell when I was going to have to fight to stay sober. I'd dwell on the thought for so long and then get to the point where I'd make myself fein for the high. I would start pacing through the house,become extremely restless, unable to sit still, my hands would start trembling like they did when I took that first hit. I did all those things when I was high on dope. I too went through the horrible cravings. They suck big time, but the more time pass's the less intense they are. It's a life long battle to stay sober, but you can do it. What you are feeling is real. I've been there as have many others. Most addictions are in your mind and when you've been using drugs your thought process is pretty screwed up for a while. You have to retrain your mind and your body.

I too use to worry when I knew I was going to have money. The way I delt with this may work for you too. I sat down and planned out to the exact dime where my money was going to go. Then I went through with it. By planning ahead it kept the money out of my pocket and the temptation to spend it on dope out of my mind. You could also try letting someone else hang on to any extra money for you. Someone who you can explain your situation too and who you know will not rip you off. What ever will work. I know how easy it is to give in when you have money to spend. It will get better. Just keep on doing the right things.

namommy

Hang in there. Do something to occupy your mind and body. Pray only works if we are willing to put some action into it.

Physical sensations are different with everyone. The stomach cramps I've had, the lightheadedness I've had, the burning sensation I haven't had.

Nick, I'm praying for you my friend.

Nickaddict

Well I relapsed...it been in my mind for over a week and I caved in the day my money came in.
What I learned a day before I relapsed is that the fysical cravings I got are actually anxiety attacks. Fear - just plain fear of life.
I remembered that I felt like that as a young boy too but thought it was normal.
Then I discovered coke and thought I found the solution. No more fears and only highs.
I got part of that same high the day I went out again but the most part was crap. Obsessive, paranoia crap.

I made a choice on friday to go and use drugs - no excuses, it was my choice.
Today I am making another choice. I will not use drugs come hell or high water.
I will not use no matter what and pray to God for the willingness and the courage to carry that out.
God is the only one who has taken away that horrible fear once before....I thought I was rid of it, it turned out that wasn't the case, and I was dissapointed.
Now I know this is an ongoing process. I will surrender every day to the best of my ability.
I already prayed every day and I will continue to do so.
I'm getting up once again, dusting myself off and continue.

It seems to me I only have 2 choices: Go on using drugs and have a miserable life or stay clean and have a better life.
I choose the second one.

Thank you all for your kindness and support and your prayers.
I messed up but I'm NOT giving up!

Hugs,
Nick.

margo

Welcome back ((((((((((Nick))))))))))