tink360

i know ive been posting alot lately but its the only thing keeping me from crying 24 hours of the day. waiting to see the replys each night is what seems to be keeping me going during the day. reading and responding to other peoples posts helps too. but i still dont know how to get rid of the unbearable pain i seem to be holding inside. i find myself trying to dissapear into the songs in my ipod and evaporate into thin air. i dont understand it, one min ill be fine and happy and the next im overwhelmed with anxiety and painful thoughts and memories.
i feel guilty that i dont regret doing drugs...does it make me a bad person? i know that i hurt alot of people and that i did alot of horrible things and i feel so dirty inside because i cant seem to feel the remorse that i should. i know that im a better person now but i feel worse now than i did then? does anyone know whats wrong with me? i feel like im some sort of evil person for the way that i feel?
i miss my ex-fiance and inside i know id be dead if i were still in that relationship but i miss him none the less. i miss everything. i miss the feeling of being powerful and my old job, i miss my old school even though i never went to class. i miss my best friend. we did drugs together but at least the friendship was real. i had friends who listened to me, who understood me. who where there for me. IM SITTING HERE CRYING! i dont know what to do with myself.
im in such a need for companionship but im afraid to meet new people. i know this is a long post and im so sorry to burden whoever reads this with my emotions but i feel like i have to let them go and this site is the only place i know. im such a loner over here and i know its my fault because of my stupid fears but i feel so helpless.
god i feel so stupid for venting in to a f**king laptop but im afraid of what i might do if i dont let this out. someone, anyone, whats wrong with me? why cant i feel remorse, why do i want to go back? why my fear of people? i feel no matter what i do i cant be happy! please help me.

best

Who told you, you need to feel any remorse?

Many time, in many areas of my life, I have past right over remorse.
I guess the best way to discribe it... Went from wrong to instant understanding. No remorse was needed.

Now what to do with the understanding?
I can make amends to others, where I am able, as I am able.
Why? Because I understand that to be the right thing to do.

As far as not feeling guilty for doing the drugs... You have an understanding there as well. You learned some valuable lessons and are grateful for what you have learned... The gratefulness, out weighs the guilt.

babeekj

(((tink))) post all you want reply all you want...we are here for you.
Things get better hun

pedagogue

I had a mentor tell me once: "The difference between pain and suffering...is that pain is a feeling, and suffering is not being able to get rid of that feeling".

Right now you sound like you are in pain, but you are suffering.

What you are feeling is totally understandable. Before you look in (at yourself), you look out (reminiscing....sp?)...it is part of the process. You need to work through some of the painful things because your body needs to make sense of it. It *is* painful, but each day you'll feel a little bit better. Know that you aren't alone, and as along as you have a breath in your body and a beat in your heart...you got a chance. Also, there are things you can do while working through your issues that can make it a little better.

You are getting worked up about something that is so overwhelming your own known reaction is to cry. With some time you will learn other ways to express yourself and hopefully as you work through the issues that haunt you (both by looking outward and inward), you'll gain back your control.

More to come in a bit.

First off....I think you need to take a deep breath. You have a lot going on, but not so much you should be paralyzed by crying. Best made a great point about guilt. Guilt is self-inflicted. Give yourself a break and take it off the table. Everyone doesn't go through the same thought processes about their rationalization of drug use. Don't beat yourself up about it. Focus on what you *can* do right now.....like deciding how to stop crying and start living.

Personally...I've found journaling to be the keeper of my good and bad thoughts. It gives a place to collect and poke through what i'm thinking. When it is swirling in your head, it is hard to make sense of. Take some time to get it out....then walk away from it for an afternoon. Come back later and read it. Trust me....write....break...re-read. That is the first thing. (posting on here does much the same, but you need the ability to write EVERYTHING, and on here there will be a self-edit....whether you realize it or not)

-pedagogue

iamunique

(((Tink)))
I am a recovering A my DOC... Alchohol. I understand what you are saying. I used alchohol to give me courage to be around other people. It was the only time I felt comfortable around people. I was extremely shy and full of low self love and worth.
Of course I didn't know who I was. I was whatever the drink made me. When I did get into recovery I struggled like you are now. I know alot of us do with self love.
The people in the rooms of AA reached out to me and loved me until I could learn to love myself.
None of us come into the rooms as Angels. Every human alive has something they done that they feel guilty about.
It really sounds like you do feel guilty.
Remember, the person you were while you were using is not the same person you are while you aren't. Obviously you want to be the person you are while you're not.
It takes alot of courage to reach out. I 'm so glad you did.
If you decide to go to a meeting ( I really hope you do) You don't have to say or do anything. Believe me they will know you are hurting. They were newcomers once too.
Ok I think I went on long enough. I'm sending warm hugs and keep sharing. I promise you'll get better. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Hugs, Iamunique

pedagogue

Loving yourself should be an intermediate goal. You deserve it, and need it.

-pedagogue

unspun

I sometimes get all mixed up in missing my old lifestyle. Honestly it was all I knew, and therefor familiar. Entering into recovery, I had to change everything to stay clean. and this broughty me into unfamiliar teritory, and scary as you know what. But as time passed, scary began to feel familiar. and the old illusions of "how good my life used to be" are replaced with how good my life HAS become. UNSPUN AND DONE

nutz

This too shALL pass.
It was the same for me when I first got clean and sober.
The emotional roller costers, plus we pretty much kind da
wacked out our CNS (central nervse system) from all the drugs
,a combanation of withdraws, and changes we're tring to make
in our lives. It's like shock almost.
Older timers say....A Fish out of water, or a squar peg in a hole."
"hang on to your ass, recovery is a trip" they say.
Me ass fell off a couple of times.lol
Mmmm....can't live in my own skin.

I love getting high !!!
But ya know.....it stoped working. no matter how much I used,
the pain did go away anymore. I had a lot of will power.lol
it's a lot of work to dystroy one's life.
I had to loose everything . It was my virtue.
It wasn't easy...but I had to start looking at myself. The first
I did that in my life....I just heppened to clean and sober too,
to add more insult to injuries.lol
FOCUS...focus...
Lord almighty...help me. An addict focus......
I'm one of those that was way, way, out there and did'nt want to
come back.

It's a part of my recovery. It's writen in the NA BASIC TEXT too.
That's wierd.lol
What's more wierd is ....I started reading the damn book.
I must have been out of my freaken mind.lol
It saYS....
We start feeling again...mmmm, an awaken for me.lmaf
The PAIN...the pain...
The pain drives us......back to our old ways or continue
in our recovery.
I guess, at first I was kind off skared sheitless.
Plus for some stupid reason , i keep doing the samething
and expecting differnent results....must have been/be INSANE.lol
I think too damn much....Y know, being spun for long.
And my little brain (ego) can't seem to let go.
Like i say, it's a virtue.
Simple and direct, right to the source.
I'm beyound beliefs....
I'm not religous, wasn't so sure about the god thing.

I took a leap of faith....and it took everything out of
me to get to that piont....mmm, I lost everything.
And It gose beyound the material things.
Something about me being sick and tired of being sick and tired,
The pain and everything else. But ya know..I'm a sick puppy.
Surender,let go, be still and all that good stuff I'm suppose to do,
which I lack discipline for. And a lot of it was mumbo jumbo
to me.

Something about Grace...

Fire_Wind_Rain

It's so hard starting a new life in recovery when you end up leaving so much behind. I know this may sound odd, but this is what I do sometimes:
And sometimes it's the most UN-theraputic thing I can do for myself. Music is a very, very powerful outlet for me. Sometimes too much so. It can take me too far back, too far in, and that's a scary place for me. Can you get outside at all? Out doing something that will take you kind of out of your head for awhile? That may help you right now.

(((hugs)))

hopealwayz

Everything is just so raw in the beginning. I don't regret doing drugs either. In some ways, I feel like I am grateful for so much more in life than before the drugs. I wasn't really living then but now I can see the beauty in the small stuff.

These emotions are normal. It is hard to have to ride the waves out but there is sun that is bound to shine soon.

Also, no need to be remorseful. Your experiences make you who you are . I can tell that you are a wonderful person. Come on here and talk as much as you need to. You have lots of people who are here to listen.

Hugs--

Gooch

Hav you read today's JFT?

2stop

((((((((((tink))))))))))))

Huge hugs coming your way. I know it's hard, I know it seems it will never be 'alright'...but it can..and it will. When I first started to feel again...and didn't drug myself up to deal with it...I was a mess...suicidal, unhappy, restless..ANGRY!! Pissed that I had decided to do something as 'stupid' as get sober!! I didn't miss people though...I ONLY missed the drugs....the cozy warm 'powerful' feeling that almost killed me.........it takes time...and alot of work to get through all the feelings and the depression and the confusion..I was soooooo confused. All I ever knew was using..since I was 10 yrs old...I popped pills, I drank, I did street dtugs, I was anorexic and bulimic..anything but to face myself, my fears. It took alot of falling down, aLOT of crying..and venting here to get through..but I did...many here have..and YOU can too.

I couldn't drive when I first logged on here...was so agoraphobic and anxious....couldn't even leave my house....today i went and got my learners permit..again. It was humiliating..I used to drive! Loved it..but drug abuse, panic attacks worsened by drug abuse..and my refusal to deal with anyting painful or uncomfortable left me feeling nuttier than all get out..but day by day...............got me to today!! I actually drove some today!! I NEVER thought I would get throught he crying, the anger, but I did. I am praying for ya hon...hang in there...don't use...go to meetings....do something special for yourself..pamper yourself a bit...take a walk, hot bath, read as many stories about those of us who have 'made it' as you can...I one time thought only 'they' could get sober....it was 'their' deal.."I was different".....today I know differently. I have made it where I thought was impossible to be.
Don't give up...........the miracle will come...give it a chance alright?

Keep posting by all means..and don't feel stupid!

I didn't feel remorse for my drug use many days either! Oh no....I hung on to it like an obsessive lover..takes time to fully realize what the drugs did to us. But I still don't necessarily 'regret it' All that I am today is because of all I have experienced in the past.......I have grown more spiritually while down...than while up.

(((((((((((((Huge Hugs)))))))))))))

j'ade d'arcy

Hey Tink!

I'm sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. Believe me when I say that it will pass. I know when you feel that way, it feels like it will be that way forever, but I know from experience that you can come out of it.

When I first got sober, the emotions were running wild. I went for two months where I would start crying over anything and everything. In shops, at work, for reasons and sometimes over such trivial things that I thought I was losing my mind. (who cries because the coffee shop put sugar in their coffee....I do apparently!!) For me, the emotional rollarcoaster was a mix of sobering up and going off of anti-depressants. My brain and body had no idea what was going on! After my body had a chance to start functioning on its own without the booze, my emotions started to return to somewhat normal. Normal for me anyways.

I've heard someone compare getting sober to dealing with the loss of someone close. That you go through the same grief process in dealing with the absence of your d.o.c. This made alot of sense to me then and still does now. Especially with dealing with the "missing" thoughts. The thought that I am missing my using and the booze. And I do miss it. In the beginning it was fun, it just stopped being fun along time before I realized that it had. Now I realize that missing it is ok for me, but that does not mean that I have to use. I have to remember that to miss it is one thing, but more importantly I need to remember the things that I do not miss about it. And for me, there are sooooooooooo many things that I just do not miss about using.

I'm sending you good thoughts.

tink360

Thank you all so much for the responses. im still in this rut of deppression but i do feel slightly better now that i know that im not the only one. i thought that if i didnt remorse over my actions that i was doing the program all wrong! Especially because its easier to crave that way and lately ive been hanging on to dear life.
Last night i wanted to cut my self and use ( i used to self mutilate ) but instead i got up the guts to wake my dad up at 2 am and he let me lay in his arms and cry for about an hour and then he accompanied me outside while i smoked a cig. he told me that he was proud of me because he sees that im taking myself seriously, but not to stress over it so much. that made me feel better and i was finally able to sleep.
But today the feelings came right back as much as i tried to fight them. I started to feel like a screw up, like i knew i was going to fail, I felt alone and unloved...i look into the mirror and cry, from 95 pounds to 125 i feel fat, i feel ugly, the change seems so much in such a short time that im having trouble adjusting.

Quote:

Music is a very, very powerful outlet for me. Sometimes too much so. It can take me too far back, too far in, and that's a scary place for me. Can you get outside at all? Out doing something that will take you kind of out of your head for awhile? That may help you right now.

Your right and im like that alot so i think im going to leave my ipod at home and start taking some walks with my father in the evenings and start letting him know how i feel on a daily basis. maybe that will help me to let it out and he says that he cant help if he doesnt know whats going on so i need to keep him posted on the situations. thank you guys so much for your help, i need it. Ill keep you guys posted on how im doing.