MADDISON

Its Been A While Since I Posted. I Relapsed.i Dont Know What Happened. I Thought I Was Doing Great I Had My Boys Back And In One Minute I Lost Them Again. There With My Father.and Im Thankful For That But There Not With Me.sometimes I Think I Will Always Be Like This.doing Good For A Couple Of Months And Then Back To Cocaine I Feel So Hopeless.my Family Has Turned There Back On Me.my Husbands Family Is The Only Ones Who Will Still Talk To Me.i Feel So Alone And Sick To My Stomach Every Time I Think About What Ive Lost.

Gooch

Welcome back Maddison ..

They tell us we have to make our recovery our first prioroty because anything that we place in front of it will be the first things we loose. And sometimes we don't even need to pick up to start loosing.

I cling to one of those mottos when everything around me seems to be falling away.. "As long as there is breath there is hope."

You haven't lost it all yet. You can do this thing.

namommy

Maddison,

Welcome back. Don't give up hope. There are many of us who are not first timers. Relapse happens, and you can learn from it. Take a look at your patterns leading up to the relapse, and change what you were doing wrong. You can do this.

Take comfort knowing that your children are with family who love them and will take care of them. As long as you do what is suggested, you can stay clean, and eventually be with your kids again. I know, it happened for me.

bikewench

Relapse...

yeah..

My addictive nature is first nature to me....
I've used those coping skills from my cradle up....
So.. it's no surprise to me that my first inclination is always to go back to using them....

Of course... I've also walked the path of the consequences of my using...
loss of my life...
loss of love
loss of self dermination
loss of anything that is real and concrete and meaningful....

all I can think of is getting lost in something...

Recovery ... for me.... is to feel the pain ... but.. not to run from it...
the confusion..
self doubts..
and lack of investment in my own life...

I have to struggle to save my own life....

how bereft is that.


but... that's my addict speaking there....

and that's me looking through my addicts eyes...



There are other..... untried...paths for me out there...
other ways of thinking... relating... living...

it's just finding the willingness to look for the beginning of that path...
cause that path isn't paved with gold painted bricks of pain like my addictive path is...
wide... with lots of signs...
advertising if ya will...
food, booze... whatever...
pushers knocking at my door....

no.. this other path is just a dirt track off to the side...
and it's covered with lots of overgrowth so that I can only see in a few steps...
and there is only one small wooden sign with a few faded words....



this way to wellness....




... just this 24... I will go to any length...
... just this 24... I will not use...