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I want to get high...

Old 08-27-2005, 09:11 PM
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Unhappy I want to get high...

I guess I would be 5 weeks clean, pushing 6. Started smoking pot again just recently, drinking, setting myself up for the big fall. Tonight, I feel like I could give my life back over to heroin, and the evils of it all. Would be such a stupid choice, but I just want it so bad. I just don't know what to do with myself, I just don't think that it will ever go away. At least tonight, this is the way that I feel. It's after midnight, and I keep sitting here contemplating a trip to go and cop. My nerves are on end, I'm restless, and shaky. Just want to close my eyes and be done with the night.
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Old 08-27-2005, 09:21 PM
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Hi Charlie. Pot and alcohol do certainly lower your defenses and make you more susseptable to going back to H, which I'm assuming is your drug of choice. Pot and alcohol were what the problem was for me personally, I never had the misfortune to come across herion in my drug using, but if I had I'm sure I would have loved it. From what I understand it is similar to pot, but way more, if that makes sense. If that is indeed the case you can see why the pot and alcohol are making you crave. You are getting some of the high you want, but not the whole thing. You are teasing yourself in a way. The cravings do get better, but if you keep going part way, the time will probably come when you give in and go back to the H. From what I understand, detoxing from H can be a truly miserable experience. Do you really want to have to go through that again? Think it through to the end, not just the "enjoyable" part of getting high. Remember what it feels like when you come down and "need" to get more. Remember what the detox is like. If you have never been to an NA meeting, maybe try that. But dont' give in. And stop teasing yourself with the pot and booze, you already know you are setting yourself up, you said it yourself. Best of luck to you. Urges will pass. Take care.
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Old 08-27-2005, 09:26 PM
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You have already started the downward spiral. Heroin isn't the problem, the disease found other ways to play with your head, heroin is the comfortable spot and the end result to get your fix. The only way I have been able to stop that downward spiral is total abstinance.
If we think we can handle just one more, we are doomed to keep using.
Have you tried going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings?
Do you really want to stop using?
It doesn't matter what we use, if we use, all bets are of with finding a New way of life.

Peace,
Todd J.
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Old 08-27-2005, 09:30 PM
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Am I An Addict? (Revised) IP # 7

Am I An Addict? (Revised)
IP # 7

Only you can answer this question.

This may not be an easy thing to do. All through our usage, we told ourselves, "I can handle it." Even if this was true in the beginning, it is not so now. The drugs handled us. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a person whose life is controlled by drugs.

Perhaps you admit you have a problem with drugs, but you don't consider yourself an addict. All of us have preconceived ideas about what an addict is. There is nothing shameful about being an addict once you begin to take positive action. If you can identify with our problems, you may be able to identify with our solution. The following questions were written by recovering addicts in Narcotics Anonymous. If you have doubts about whether or not you're an addict, take a few moments to read the questions below and answer them as honestly as you can.

1. Do you ever use alone? [Yes] [ No]
2. Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking that one particular drug was the problem? [Yes] [ No]
3. Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor to obtain prescription drugs? [Yes] [ No]
4. Have you ever stolen drugs or stolen to obtain drugs? [Yes] [ No]
5. Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed? [Yes] [ No]
6. Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another? [Yes] [ No]
7. Do you avoid people or places that do not approve of you using drugs? [Yes] [ No]
8. Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was or what it would do to you? [Yes] [ No]
9. Has your job or school performance ever suffered from the effects of your drug use? [Yes] [ No]
10. Have you ever been arrested as a result of using drugs? [Yes] [ No]
11. Have you ever lied about what or how much you use? [Yes] [ No]
12. Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of your financial responsibilities? [Yes] [ No]
13. Have you ever tried to stop or control your using? [Yes] [ No]
14. Have you ever been in a jail, hospital, or drug rehabilitation center because of your using? [Yes] [ No]
15. Does using interfere with your sleeping or eating? [Yes] [ No]
16. Does the thought of running out of drugs terrify you? [Yes] [ No]
17. Do you feel it is impossible for you to live without drugs? [Yes] [ No]
18. Do you ever question your own sanity? [Yes] [ No]
19. Is your drug use making life at home unhappy? [Yes] [ No]
20. Have you ever thought you couldn't fit in or have a good time without drugs? [Yes] [ No]
21. Have you ever felt defensive, guilty, or ashamed about your using? [Yes] [ No] 22. Do you think a lot about drugs? [Yes] [ No]
23. Have you had irrational or indefinable fears? [Yes] [ No]
24. Has using affected your sexual relationships? [Yes] [ No]
25. Have you ever taken drugs you didn't prefer? [Yes] [ No]
26. Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress? [Yes] [ No]
27. Have you ever overdosed on any drugs? [Yes] [ No]
28. Do you continue to use despite negative consequences? [Yes] [ No]
29. Do you think you might have a drug problem? [Yes] [ No]

"Am I an addict?" This is a question only you can answer. We found that we all answered different numbers of these questions "Yes." The actual number of "Yes" responses wasn't as important as how we felt inside and how addiction had affected our lives.

Some of these questions don't even mention drugs. This is because addiction is an insidious disease that affects all areas of our lives-even those areas which seem at first to have little to do with drugs. The different drugs we used were not as important as why we used them and what they did to us.

When we first read these questions, it was frightening for us to think we might be addicts. Some of us tried to dismiss these thoughts by saying:

"Oh, those questions don't make sense;"

Or,

"I'm different. I know I take drugs, but I'm not an addict. I have real emotional/family/job problems;"

Or,

"I'm just having a tough time getting it together right now;"

Or,

"I'll be able to stop when I find the right person/get the right job, etc."

If you are an addict, you must first admit that you have a problem with drugs before any progress can be made toward recovery. These questions, when honestly approached, may help to show you how using drugs has made your life unmanageable. Addiction is a disease which, without recovery, ends in jails, institutions, and death. Many of us came to Narcotics Anonymous because drugs had stopped doing what we needed them to do. Addiction takes our pride, self-esteem, family, loved ones, and even our desire to live. If you have not reached this point in your addiction, you don't have to. We have found that our own private hell was within us. If you want help, you can find it in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

"We were searching for an answer when we reached out and found Narcotics Anonymous. We came to our first NA meeting in defeat and didn't know what to expect. After sitting in a meeting, or several meetings, we began to feel that people cared and were willing to help. Although our minds told us we would never make it, the people in the fellowship gave us hope by insisting that we could recover. Surrounded by fellow addicts, we realized that we were not alone anymore. Recovery is what happens in our meetings. Our lives are at stake. We found that by putting recovery first, the program works. We faced three disturbing realizations:

1. We are powerless over addiction and our lives are unmanageable;
2. Although we are not responsible for our disease, we are responsible for our recovery;
3. We can no longer blame people, places, and things for our addiction. We must face our problems and our feelings.

"The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering addict."*1
*1. Narcotics Anonymous 5th Ed. (Van Nuys, CA Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 1988) p. 15.

Copyright © 1983, 1988 byNarcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc.All rights reserved
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Old 09-02-2005, 05:39 PM
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Just stay strong and you will over come it. I have had times that I want to relapse. Look at all the good things that you have in your life and that will keep you going I have a 2 month old neice and that is the one thing that has been keeping me clean. It has been so hard and there is alot of times here that I have really been wanting to get high but I just look for people to talk to that can help me get through all this hard time. If you just need someone to talk to just feel free I am here to talk to
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Old 09-02-2005, 06:45 PM
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Hey Trina, just wanted to say "Hi", I'm just down the road from you in Metamora!! Welcome to SR!! Take care.
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Old 09-03-2005, 08:26 AM
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I don't know if we ever truely get rid of this disease but I do know that together we can stay clean, this room of people here at SR has listened to me whin and whin and they have helped me to stay clean threw all of it so it can be done if we allow ourselves to feel and give ourselves a break.
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Old 09-07-2005, 05:20 PM
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I am having a really hard time right now I am not sure if I can make it through these times with out getting high or drinking. I am worried about going to meetings cause I don't want people to look down on me cause I do have a problem and I can't seem to find the right type of friends to hang out with everyone that I know uses or drinks and that is not what I want to be around but I don't know how to handle it. I am just looking for some help to make it through all of this and not feel like I need to turn back to my old ways to be able to deal with it all
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Old 09-07-2005, 06:11 PM
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hey charlie. when i first came to sr i had a very similar problem. im a meth addict and ive been doing crystal for the past 5 years. im only 19 and in the middle of rehab the transfered me from el paso texas to hospital in chicago il. i grew up doing drugs behind everyones back since i was 8 years old and now that the secret is out to my family and ive moved i have to start all over again. like some form of rebirth. the point is that in the time i was supposed to be developing a personality and discovering myself i learned to be deceptive and manipulative even to myself and it makes it harder for me to love myself let alone love a sober life. i cant tell you how many times i dream of my past, the old friends, the adventures, ect. im the type of person that craves the lifestyle and the drug. sometimes i think id give it all up just to go back to that life. im not sure if thats what you feel or if you even understand this but i just wanted to express that your not alone. addiction is a disease that never goes away. its something that we have to live with. but if defeated it makes you a wiser, stronger person and to me thats worth the fight.
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Old 09-07-2005, 06:25 PM
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tink360,

I want to know how did you make it through the tough times? I seem to feel like the tough times are over comming me and I just feel that if I go back to my old ways then it will be so much better, but I know in my heart that it is not true. Please help me, how did you do it??
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Old 09-07-2005, 06:32 PM
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((((Trina)))))

I know that it is hard and we all go threw them I am going threw them too but we have to realize that if we use we loose. Please talk to us here can you get into the chat room it is filled with people right now. DO you have ***** or msn messenger we can talk there to I am here for you ok

Love Vic
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Old 09-07-2005, 07:05 PM
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everyone handles things differently. i personally like to write poetry and i have a notebook that i keep with me called my chemical recovery notebook and when i feel down i write things in it to help me get back into the right frame of mind. i have entries in there like "things ove accomplished sober" "negative things from my drug use" ect. then some days all it takes is to look over the old entries. sometimes all you can do is close your eyes and let the tears seep as you pray for strength. just remmember the battle is inside you and the more battles you win the stronger you become.
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Old 09-07-2005, 07:06 PM
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by the way i also have an email address its chiquiboriqen******.com anyone is more than welcome to write me.
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Old 09-07-2005, 07:10 PM
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luckyv2

Thanks for understanding I am on ***** messegner you can feel free to messege me there or you can email me @ BabyTrina82******.com. I will be talking to anyone that can give me any kind of help I am willing to try anything right now

Hugs,
Katrina
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Old 09-07-2005, 07:15 PM
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tink360

I try to write like that but I go back and read them and I feel so stupid for what I wrote. Plus my BF gets his hands on it and he makes such a big deal out of everything by saying I don't have any problems and it is all in my head with does not make things any better for me. I am not even sure that being with him is very healthy for me I know that he has plans of drinking and useing when he comes home but I am not sure how to handle all that I wish that I did then I would not feel so confused about everything going on right now. I just wonder sometimes if he is right about all of this if it is really just in my head. I do belevie that I have a problem so I am not sure what to do right now.

Hugs,
Katrina
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Old 09-07-2005, 07:23 PM
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never feel stupid about what you write. And any man that doesnt respect you or your desicion isint a man at all and isint worth your time. you know yourself better than anyone and only you know if you have a problem. take some time to yourself and relax for a second and look at your options. look at your life and decide where you wanna be in a few years. that should at least help you make some decisions. just dont give up on yourself. i know you can do it! if i can do it so can you. imma post a thread about my story. read it..hopefully it will help.
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Old 09-07-2005, 08:25 PM
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Hi Trina, I've never been to the meetings in Pekin, but I can assure you that nobody will look down on you. There are two meetings in Pekin, Tuesday nite at 6 at Pekin Serenity Building 612 South 3rd Street and at the library Thrusday at 7P 301 South 4th Street Auditorium. There is a good meeting in Peoria that I've been to several times. It's Friday nite at 7P at Center For Creative Living 3117 North Avalon. It's off Forrest Hills between Sheridan and University. I don't really go to too many meetings anymore myself, but they can be a big help meeting some clean and sober people. Best of luck to you. Take care.
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Old 09-08-2005, 01:06 AM
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Charlie~
As a recovering heroin addict(again) I understand just what you are feeling. I have thirty six days clean this time around. There is not a day that I do not crave heroin or smell it or even think about it. I have had a year of sobriety lost due to those horrendous cravings. You are right, it never goes away. But it does get easier and life does get better!! I was always told to talk about my feelings/addiction. To talk about it until that substance thought goes away. Have you tried NA meetings? The meetings can and will help you as well. Congratulations on your five weeks please keep up on your recovery. Remember we may have another relapse but NOT all of us have another recovery.
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Old 09-08-2005, 08:09 PM
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Tyler,

thanks for the info I am going to check into the meetings here in Pekin when i get back from my vacation. I am hopeing that i can find one that I can put into my busy secudle right now. With school and work it makes it really hard.

Tink360,
You are right about a man not understanding me. I am wondering if my BF is really understanding what I am going through or if he is just saying he is. I am not sure even what to think. I just don't want to lose him cause of me trying to make myself a better person. I am doing all that I can and I know that if he is not going to be with me then he never did understand me


HUGS,
Katrina
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