GailJ

Original Post Lost in Crash

chelle63

l am a survivor myself of all aspects of abuse. l have no more contact with my family and l am living on my own out of the Province and l am free of them. l don't have to talk to them. Look at them or listen to them anymore.
That is just the way l want it. l am in therapy for it and probably will be for a long time as l have a lot of black spots that l also cannot remember from my childhood, but l do have flashbacks that are not very nice and when l get them l get pretty bad panic attacks.
l suffer PTSD and l could never figure why being around my Mother or Sister why l felt like my skin was crawling or why l had this need to get away from them or leave their homes. l was always on edge and there was this deep anger l could never figure out where it was coming from but l could only ever be around them if l was drinking and l could never sit close to either of them.
Whenever l was visiting l was pacing and watching the clock to leave and if l ever went over for dinner as soon as dinner was over, we were out of the house as soon as the dishes were brought to the sink.
l could never stand to even look at either of them in the face.

Through therapy, l have learned alot about the reasons for all of this and also that none of this was my fault. The Psychiatrist said that someone trained me well at shame. All l can say to that is what a wonderful family l had. (sorry for the sarcasm)

Chelle

GailJ

Thanks for sharing that Chelle. It's such a complicated disorder. I think it's going to take a lot for me to recover yet. A lot of deeply imbedded coping skills to change, It so hard when It starts in childhood and noone was there to each us good coping skills to begin with. I don't get a lot of flashbacks anymore, I have full recall. It the reactionary behaviours of negative stress now I'm learning to deal with in the present. Including no self medicating wth alcohol when I m overwhelmed or deeply depressed. One day at a time. Welcome to the forum

chelle63

Thanks for the welcome;
l used to drink alot when l was younger in my teens. l am 44 now, but since seeing the Psychiatrist (after asking for a referral) as l had stayed at my Mother's house for a visit, l was ready to either kill myself or her because the tension was so thick and my mothers constant blaming me of everything, even her dog peeing on the floor, it was just ridiculous the way she acted. The Psychiatrist put me on Effexor and gave me the number to a woman's shelter.
l up and moved out of the Province and have never spoken to my Mother since. l have a Therapist to talk with and it was her asking me questions and while talking to me, she said to me "You do realize that you have been abused as a child right?" and l was so suprised because for my whole life my Mother always said l was just a bad child that was good for nothing and a mistake that no one wanted. Of course hearing that all of your life, you believe it and think you deserve being hit and beaten. Now l believe she was the mistake having children and being a mother.

The sexual abuse part l cannot remember although it has started coming back in flashbacks every now and then. My sister who was seven years older took part as she would not be singled out herself.
My Father lived away but when he came home for visits life was normal. But as soon as he left, life was hell again and numerous times my Mother tried to give my sister and l away to people as she was not wanting to have any children to take care of.
But in living that life with her l have a mood disorder which is treatable and l am a very caring person who always tries to help others.

So l think something good came of all that, at least l am a good person in my heart.

Chelle

GailJ

Sorry I warn this may trigger you


Im 42 and your mum sounds a lot like mine, she never beat us but could be really emotionally abusive, verbally, thought nothing of humiliating at any time of the day. When she was mad she would tell me she never wanted me, begged thed doctors for an abortion, and tried really hard to miscarry me, not something you tell a little girl. my siblings back then followed her lead and made sure I was rejected by all. Funny the only one who would back me up from her abuse was dad.... yet he is the one who sexually abused me in an alcoholic stupor when I was five. Only once but that was enough to lead to others abusing me so young.

Lilya

I´m sorry both of you were abused and all who have shared in this thread.

This is very serious and it´s difficult to work on it, but it´s definately doable.

I´ve mentioned before I got over what was done to me and I have a solid relationship with my parents. It was very hard to let go of the blame, and even harder to think I would even see them. My mom also wanted to get rid of me. I wanted to get rid of my daughter. Things are complicated, but what counts is to let go of being a victim, take charge of our own life and not let the abusers still have their power.

Ten years ago I wouldn´t even speak to my parents. I cannot tell you how my life has healed by initiating contact with them, discussing their past and listening to their point of view and how they felt. Doesn´t make them saints, but we love each other and it has changed everything. Also, my mo went into therapy. I admire her so much for that, I cannot tell you.

Love and light,

bluebird

I am..but it wasn't that bad..not like some of you. I can't really read these threads right now..can't cope with being too upset atm.

I never realized how much it affected me..or really even realized it did really happen until I was about 15 and just broke down completely when his wife sent me a card saying I could atleast visit for my confirmation.

I know so many people who have dealt with this..atleast 5 that I see regularly. People don't like to talk about things like this..kind of a sweep it under the carpet thing..

Katie

scarlati

I've just read this thread and there's a lot of talk of pain and healing, but surprisingly little discussion of anger or hostility and no mention at all of revenge. I wasn't abused physically and don't have PTSD so I can't really understand what any of this is like for you. But if I were to one day remember somebody doing something like this to me in my childhood I'd probably at least think about trying to find him and "talk to him" about it.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, do any of you have revenge fantasies? Because I think I probably would. How can you all cope with such major betrayal without just being overcome with hostility? Do you not feel intense hatred for the people that hurt you, or do you learn to forgive, or do you just put them out of your mind?

Lilya

Sadly in this cases, success is your only revenge.

Of course, this is my opinion only.

The person responsible for my abuse in childhood is dead long time ago and my parents never knew about it. For a long time I was angry at my parents for their irresponsible lifestyle... living with strangers in communes... trusting me and my siblings with people who were often not stable, but it happened. Period.

Most of the rapes that happened to me in my teens and early twenties happened because I was drunk or using drugs. I´m not saying it excuses the rapists, but I also had some responsability to lessen the odds. Some men will always take advantage and have no boundaries, but in my experience, they came into my life when I was drunk and on dope.

There is nothing I can do but to channel whatever anger I have left to work on my success in life. I refuse to be a victim, and I refuse to think much about these men. I thought too much about them, and they have wasted my time too much. I don´t care where they are now, and a confrontation would do nothing for me. I am happy with myself as a woman, aside from my anxiety issues, which I´m working on right now.

This is what counts - too many people become victims. This can result in a failed life, excused by the abuse, and then the offender has definately won. Again, my opinion.

Love and light,

DesertEyes

I did. The anger consumed me to the point where I could not function. So I "self-medicated" with alcohol, and quickly became addicted. One of the reasons I sobered up and joined AA is because I realized that eventually I would become the same kind of violent monster my parents were.

Both. It took me several years of working the AA program along with a few good thereapists to do that. Today I feel sorry for my biological family, they were very sick people who never knew the kind of normal life I have today. Their evil acts have been dealt with by various legal entities, and eventually their addictions killed them.

As a result of working a program of recovery today I am free of most of the wreckage of their abuse. A few scars, some old injuries, but nothing of consequence.

We do heal. It just takes a lot of work and a little time.

Mike
p.s. thanx for asking

bluenena

I guess I was angry we all were in my family my abuser was an older brother. Who was also physically abusive. I think I was about 10 or 11 years old when I pulled a loaded 45 and cocked it put it in his face and told him I would kill him if he ever touched me again. I was angry for a lot of years. But my brother was a product as was I of our environment so to speak. I am still angry to some extent with my mother, although she and I are very close. I look back now and think why were things ever alouded to get so bad we were both children and someone should have protected us. My mother never knew of the sexual abuse, until about a month ago when I finally told her. She asked me why I never told her. I realize now that it was because she knew about the physical abuse, and was physically abusive herself and never stopped it. So naturally I didn't feel I could tell her about it.

When we were older he pleaded for my forgiveness. Of course believing that we are forgiven as we forgive I did forgive him. I don't know why it came so easy. By the grace of God I guess. But I saw that he stuggled more with forgiving himself. I love my brother very much and we can see each other now and there are no hard feelings. by the grace of God.

I have healed from him. I see now though that I have some issues with my mother I need to work on. ( I didn't realize that until this moment. And so I embark on a new path in my recovery....)

GailJ

When all the flashbacks came together ten years ago and full recall hit, I did become consumed with anger with bitterness for about two years. I confronted all the people whom I though should of protected and cared for me more. It's a lot like a grieving process. I didn't do it till afer my father was dead and never did tell my mother, but everyone else knew. I wanted to know why... If I was the only one, I wanted to stand up for this tiny victim I carried in my heart, who was hidden subconsciously so many years, I wanted justice for her. I wanted answers no one could, or would give. I grieved very hard and then the anger faded and the quest to learn and heal began.

It's only been since 1980 that PTSD was recognized as a true illness. Most docs would diagnose depression or general anxiety and just dole out he anti'ds. No therpy of any kind, I had no computer back then, I had no support, no family backing, all I had was the library and even the there was no literature on the subject unless it was military related. I don't wish anything to happen to anyone who suffers from this. Now there are the resources, and therapy to cope thank god.

I spoke with another friend who was just elected to town counsell. This guy is so cool, He just got into office and upon going to his first session learned all counsellors including himself had earned a 40% increase. He took major offense as he had not even started the job yet. So what did he do, he made it public and decided all the money "the raise" would be going back into the town through charities or organizations. How cool is that. He asked where I thought the money should go towards, I told him of how there are no womens shelters here or in our neighbouring town and how far away the ship victims "as if to jut get rid of them" and that we really, really needed a womens shelter here. But I know it would take a lot of funding to accomplish. He seemed to really take it to heart, who knows maybe we will get a womens shelter out of this after all. Or at least the money could go to victims services.

nytepassion

(I wrote this a few years ago .. thought I'd share it on this thread) - Passion

My heart is dark and cold. Anger lives inside .. molded, fashioned and shaped from childhood is the image that you see before you now. This was not something I chose for myself. I was young and innocent when his sickness was afflicted upon me. Choices were made for me. Choices that I didn't have a say in. My no, was not heard. My life has been affected by the acts of another. I am haunted by the memories. Every fiber of my being screams WHY? How could you? What did I do? Did you know how what you were doing to me was going to effect my whole life? Not just at that very moment, but for a life-time. You instilled in me at a very young age that the way to get a man to love you was to sleep with him. I carried that with me into adolescence and I repeatedly got hurt over and over as I searched for love in the act of sex. I was empty to begin with .. looking to fill the void .. only to end up depleted and hopeless. I felt like a broken toy. Unworthy of love, alone. How can there be any good come from a tainted soul? After all there must have been something really wrong with me for you to do what you did. I must have been defected in some way.. a way that caused you to do it. I was to little to know that it wasn't about me, but rather it was you were the broken one. For many years I blamed myself. I turned to self abuse via drugs, alcohol and promiscuous sex. I chased love only to find you. I could only dream of what I might have been if not for you. Some where along the way I found that my hate was directed at the wrong person and it rightfully belonged to you and it was then that I realized that I have hated you for a long time and even wished you death, but death was not enough payment for what you had done to me. I often wondered how many lives did you change or was I the only one? You took my innocence. You imposed yourself upon me and violated me, making me old before my time. Have you a hint of the damage you have done? And if you do. Do you care? I wish for one moment you could feel my pain. I doubt you could bare the agony you have caused me. I doubt you could survive one day in my skin for you are too weak and prey on the helpless. You ruined many years of my life. I spent them feeling inhumane. A wild animal that would flee in fear. Distrust is one of my best friends. I cringe when I hear the words, "I love you" and I think how could anyone really love me. I am the filth of you. I cannot believe how deep are the scars of my childhood. You cut me to the very core. Though it was long ago you still haunt me in the expressions of others. I have seen your eyes leering at me for the face of a stranger. I have heard the sound of your voice speak from the lips of those I have opened up to. I have lived in the hell you created for me far to long. Today I bury you once and for all. I am ready to become whole.

GailJ

It's so sad and at the same time here are thousands and thousands of us survivors who have similar feelings to nitepassions. PTSD from CSA 'usually' hits in a persons late 20s into the 30"s. In ptsd you don't just remember it as a replay of a movie, you remember the emotions that went with it, the tastes, the smells, the fear, the guilt, the shame, the humiliation to name a few. It floods back, first in little bits and pieces, then more and more, it starts revolving in endless circles in your head as you try to fit all the peices together, you trully think your going crazy at that point and would do anything to make it stop, it causes panick at the slightest things, it causes confuson and memory lapses and you confuse the past with the present, you don't feel safe even when you are safe.

You have this seemingly endless emptiness and feelings of weakness, unworthiness, or unlovability, an inbility to be intimate comfortably in relationships, loss of trust, faith, hope, feelings of betrayal and this persistant fear that never seems to trully go away. You realize that healthy emotions that should of been there or years have been dissasociated and lived without. The feelings can become so overwhelming, you can become unable to function and become severly physically ill.
Many many survivors turn to substances or alcohol to try to drown out the memories or punish themselves, some turn to self-harm, some have eating disorders, most have long lasting deep depression that reaches back to the trauma even if that initial trauma was in childhood

There is healing though, there is a way to get through it and be whole, a way to discover those healthy emotions, find self esteem and confidence and not be haunted anymore or in dispair.

It does take a lot of hard work and a TRUE DESIRE to HEAL. It takes support and caring of others(not necessarily family, spouse or friends you know at home)to help you through, much the same as it is in AA finding a buddy yo can call or talk to. You need medical support, psychiatric support and therapy that works for the individual. CBT is often involved in healing as well. Some resort to nonconventional methods such a EDMR to help in remembering large periods of anmesia. Some use exposure thrapy there are others but I am no professional just a survivor .

For me it's been depression, general anxiety, antisocial personality, panick and agorophobia mainly, and binging in the last ten years. In my early thirties is when my flashbacks started and I am guessing it took a year and a half for me to gain full recall and to realize just how much damage it had caused to my mental health. I had full recall of all the trauma's I had lived through, and understood the maladaptive coping methods, and misdirected emotions I had been using unknowingly, for a large part of my life. Then I knew I could find the right tools and the help to change and work towards becoming whole, confident, secure, and happy.

There is a csa/sa survivor site Morning Glory linked through here that has wonderful support understanding, and knowledge of what we experience, it's specificaly for trauma suvivors.
Here is the URL http://www.pandys.org

PS I'm not even craving alcohol for the last two weeks and have absolutely no desire to drink at all. I like the clarity of beng sober, the effexors and seoquels are working great. Here's to healing an happiness.

scarlati

Hey, Gail. Thanks for starting this thread. I'm glad the meds are helping you and I can tell from your posts that you've improved from where you were just a few weeks ago. I don't think it's just the meds, though. I bet the books you've picked up recently have been helpful, too. And the sobriety, of course. You're making progress. Keep it up.

And thanks to everyone else who's posted on this thread too. I've never experienced what you folks have been through but I have one or two friends who have. Reading what everyone here has to say has helped me to better understand them and how traumatic their experiences have been.

GailJ

It's good you were able to deal with it and get past it, Doug. I don't think any of us broadcast that sort of illness. That's why so many suffer from it in silence, without knowing it or knowing anything about it, thinking they are just screwed up.

The anonymity of the internet really helps in that case a place where we can learn about it and broadcast it. It's affects on us and ways to cope. There are different forms of PTS and not all develop chronic or complex PTSD. Some studies suggest that chronic and complex PTSD from CSA is more prevelent in victims who experienced the abuse from very young ages. ( 1 to 6) I have relapsed four times in ten yrs but each relapse I learn more and can use the coping mechanisms from past experience to speed up the recovery process. CBT is very helpfull. Recognizing your bondaries when it comes to safety, trust, intimacy and self esteem is so important.

As you said Doug and others, it is like being a child in an adultbody and having to learn all over how to develop healthy, positive life skills and strategies for coping. In a way like coming a parent to ourselves.

1963comet

Hi again

I went to couseling for two years. I delt with everything in my life I thought needed attention. She explained that PTSD was an unrealistic fear. So, I had a whole new outlook on it. At the time I was having trouble, I did not know what is was. My mind was at ease after knowing that.

And my drinking I think was an issue by itself. I could have turned out this way even if I had a perfect childhood. But that is just the way I see it in my life.

If I ever get any memories back, I will know why. And I have forgiven my dad because he asked for forgiveness. That is the only way I would feel peace was to forgive.

ccgirl

My FIRST sexual experience was forced. It took a lot of therapy, but I'm finally able to lay the blame with the two that forced me to do disgustint things.

Du_Jour

Having been a person diagnosed with PTSD in my adult life I can share today without shame that it was due to CSA, physical and emotional abuse that was an ongoing occurance for most of my childhood.
Through many struggles and difficult problems that have affected my own family it has been several years in and out of counseling, therapy and self-help that have aided me. I have taken huge steps from surviving to thriving. This will be something that will always be a part me. But it doesnt make me who I am and as I grow as a person it will be carried with me the for of the rest of my life, but with support and continued growth in my personal wholeness I can choose to allow it be a stumbling block to me or be a stepping stone to an enriched life that can serve others on their journey.

I choose to press onward and upward...

GailJ

Thanks again to all for sharing. We go through such struggles and our survival skills still amaze me how caring, compassionate, resilient and strong we can become as survivors. Even us survivors who still struggle with continuing hard lives to cope with. Sorry I havn't posted, I tried while the site here was undergoing a revamp and couldn't. I was so scared this forum would be erased and I would lose my friends here. It took a while for me to get the courage and click the link in my favorites. Thankyou to the administrators for keeping all the ongoing posts alive. Your new home page is really streamlined and looks great too. When I get time I look forward to more replies here. I think we are making good progress at finding recognition and acceptance here. It trully helps with the anxiety and panick. Thankyou.