Nickaddict

On the way to my regular wednesday evening meeting I got hit by a sudden and very strong craving. I had been feeling a bit "strange" for 2 days already but couldn't tell what was wrong (still can't btw).
My muscles started to tense up, got sweatty palms and even my colons started to rumble...

I did my service position there which is setting up chairs/tables and making the tea and talked about my craving with some members who showed up.
Shared it in the meeting and when I said: "I've been taught that secrets grow in the dark but dissapear in the light so I'm sharing my desire to use now" I felt it, slowly, fade away.
Amazing...this is the first time I had a first hand experience that it actually DOES work that way!

At the end of the meeting I had no more craving but just felt worn out and tired. Kinda like I had a long day of hard physical work or something.

Now I'm back home, stayed clean and am SO grateful!
If I could hug the NA program I would :hugehug
Instead I hugged a lot of my fellows and, just now, my lovely wife who was also extremly happy that I stayed clean

I felt like sharing my experience here because it's nothing less of a miracle for me that I didn't pick up.

Blake

Awsome nick,
Secrets kill...
Same kinda thing happened to me last week. I was wallowing in my low self esteem and putting up this front like every thing was a-ok, but it was eating me up inside so last thursday I shared that all my arrogance and self righteousness was a front for my low self esteem, and poof....1000lbs right off my back.

"We're only as sick as our secrets"

Keep it up dude.

hopealwayz

That was great that you shared about the craving and that it disappeared! I know you felt great when you stayed clean. Secrets keep us sick so we gotta learn to let go.

hurtingheart

That is so great!!!!

namommy

Hey Nick.

I've been so friggin' self-centered lately I somehow missed this post before. It is fantastic that your cravings passed.

We are so lucky to have the only disease in the world that can be talked into remission.

Nickaddict

Just had another HUGE craving...I actually got so far that I was close to my dealers place, tried to pin money but couldn't... unsuffiecent funds....then it was like I woke up from a strong narcoses or something...I felt twice as heavy, completly worn-out and like I just had a potentional lethal accident but lived.
I had already given my wife about 200 Euro before I left and tried to score because I didn't want to spent that money. I owed that to her. And I called a NA member and agreed to meet at his house thinking that I would score anyway....

I see it that I got very very lucky and I also did some good stuff (like calling and giving the money to my wife).
Now the desire is sleeping. I hope it never wakes up again...but my past experience tells me it will....one day

I'm going to a meeting in a few hours and tell what has happened. I even don't know who to pray to anymore as the GOD as I understood him would never do things like this...I dunno...this is not how I saw my HP....I'm still pretty shaken and confused though so I could be rambling... :/

Phinneas

Nick, that craving was not from the god of your understanding, it was the voice of your disease. The god of my understanding is what I reach for when the addict in me kicks in. That addict is trying to kill me. Today I am so grateful that my god is bigger than anything my addict tells me.

You're doing great. Keep reaching out.

hugs,

phinny

namommy

Thank God you did the right thing by calling someone and giving up that money. Your HP is where you got the strength to do that.

Your disease will f*** with your head, but your HP will always give you the strength to do the next right thing.

Get to that meeting and share about it.

Nickaddict

I went to the meeting and shared about it. It felt really good.
People came up to me and hugged me, congratulating me...I was surprised!
Didn't I want to score? Didn't I just get lucky? Yes, they said, but you also did the right thing by giving up that money beforehand and calling. If you REALLY wanted it VERY BAD you would not have done that.
Yes...that is true and it made me feel a lot better about myself AND my HP.

I also discovered that I had become arrogant and somewhat complecent. Thinking along the line of "hey, I already got 3+ months and doing well, I dont have to work as hard anymore". WRONG! I need to keep vigilant because my disease will (and has) use every bloody angle it sees to take me down.
I picked up a white keychain again signifying that I re-commit to the program.
Also I now use the phrase: "God as I DO NOT understand him" because I don't frikking understand. But he (or it, or they?) do.
I pray for willingness that I accept it's help and guidance, eventhough I don't understand.

Thank you all here at SR too, you're just as much part of my NA family as the people in real life are. I need you guys *hugs*.

Nick.

Time2Surrender

Im glad you made it Nick.I never realized before you live in Amsterdam.That would be a huge trigger for most people.Its really cool when we make it through a craving.And its cool you shared that at your meeting.Keep up the good work.

namommy

Hey Nick.

Glad to hear you did the right thing.

As far as not understanding, I love this analogy.

I don't understand fax machines. Somehow, what I put in this end, gets printed out on a piece of paper at the other end. I don't know how it works, I just know it does work. So whether I understand it or not, I continue to use it just because I know it works.

I hope you can understand that. It's easier to explain it than to type it.