MagdaM

Hmmm, so I believe in God so I guess I'm a step ahead of some people. But I'm not so sure he's a loving God. If He is I don't think He would love me. That probably sounds dumb but that's what I felt for a long time now. I don't ever pray because I feel too ashamed. I'm not a very good person--I've done more bad for this world than many people I can think of. I know I can't do this alone--I'm so close to loosing it today I can't even think straight. But how dare I ask Him for help? How dare I. I don't know why I'm writing this exactly--I don't need pity--it makes me sick. But I just can't think of how to get myself to ask God for help when I don't even really want Him to listen. I don't want Him to love me. I don't love myself--I'm too scared to die but I'm not so sure I deserve to get better either. Don't know.

--m

Andygirl

That sounds like a good topic to bring up in a meeting. It seems like whenever i bring up a topic, I always get what I need from the group. Strange how that works out.

I always thought God was a punishing God, but slowly I'm seeing differently. I do find it hard to understand how a kind God can allow such horrors to occur here on earth. It's one of those big questions that I don't think will ever be answered fully.

Blake

One of the best peices of advice I've ever gotten on the HP thing is this,
If your concept of god isn't working for you; change it, you can do that.

I no longer believe in the god I was raised to believe in, but I do believe in my own god (which I won't go into here) and it has been working for me.

I wrote in depth about it on my blog. Here is the article.

I think alot of people have the same delima you are dealing with when they get into recovery, stay openminded, talk about it with your sponsor and you'll work it out.


EDIT:

P.S. EVERYONE deserves to get better, don't beat yourself up about the past, it's not gonna change it.

MagdaM

thanks for the link blake--that was actually quite helpful.

namommy

Magda,

1st- Please don't feel like you are any worse than anyone else. We all have those "skeletons" in our closets. I took mine out and showed them to the world long ago. I am more than willing to share them with you too if you need to know that someone else has a past.

2nd- look at the miracles in your life. The times that by all rights you should not have made it out alive, or you should have gone to jail but didn't. Or the times when you should have been hurt but weren't. If 'God' as I understand him, felt you deserved enough love for him to bring you through those things, then, Who the he** are you not to love yourself? Your HP brought you to recovery for a reason. Your HP loves you and has already forgiven you, now you need to forgive yourself so you can learn to love yourself.

Look at how many addicts never make it to recovery. We are the chosen ones. For whatever reason, we were chosen to get clean and carry the message. It's not for me to question why. I just need to go on the best I can and do what I was put in these rooms to do. Help other addicts find their way out of the horrors of active addiction.

icefalcon

when i came into recovery not only did i have alot to learn, i had alot to unlearn! when i was younger i was forced to beleive in something that i know in my heart did not feel right. it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with my spiritualty!

religion is for those how beleive in heaven and hell
spiritualty is for those who have lived in hell and survived

riverfisher

When we came into NA and made that conscience decision to change our miserable lives; God forgave us for what we did in our past. So with that said "who the fark gives us the right not to forgive ourselves." We all did bad sh*t .
Lets look at the miricales in our lives today.
Lets look at all the times we took our bodies to the point of no return. and woke up the next morning
Lets look at the fact that every religion teaches us that God,Jesus,Buda,Alla,Mohamad,ect,ect,ect.....loves all his [or hers] children.

Hey heres a good idea; lets get off the f*cking pity pot and get humble. If you are to ashamed to hit your knees there is no humility
If there is no humility there is no recovery PERIOD....................

godsonmyside

I don't believe anyone shows up o the rooms of NA because they are doing so good in life, they decided to change for the H@ll of it.
I had a difficult time with my concept of God too. I said I didn't believe, and Then I said I had a problem. So, someone pointed out that "How can you have a problem with God if you don't believe in God". So my understanding was screwed up from the start.

I was taught you don't even need God until the 3rd step. So I worked the 1st step and the 2nd step and in the 2nd step I came to believe that this process (12 step) could resturate me to to some term of sanity. I also heard and it says in our literature, that if we pass over the second step, the rest won't work. So I really worked and applied this step and found the Spiritual Principle of Hope, and nothing or nobody can take my Hope today.
In, the 3rd step is the Action step, letting God do for us what we can't do for ourselves. I'm not one that believes we have to pray on our knees, I do believe we need to come to an understanding of a Loving God though, Being a recovering Cathlic myself, I understand growing up and being told all this crap that wasn't true, Everything is up for revision, especialy what we thought we knew about the truth.

Peace,
Todd J.

MagdaM

thinking...

namommy

Magda,
Have you read the 'Just for Today' meditation yet today. It fits this situation very well.

dixiedev

You spell "Him" with a capital. you must have been raised in church. Don't be afraid to ask Him and anyone else you need for help. Don't be ashamed or afraid. You have the right to your feelings. You have a right to be alive. You have the right to ask for help when you don't know where to turn. Don't give up those rights.

ashley80

I read in your other thread about the fact that you are newly clean, and just finished your detox. It sounds like you are still having some withdrawal symptoms too....insomnia, etc. I just wanted to tell you that it does get better, the depression and hopeless feeling will start to lift....and then you will have more clarity to think about the Higher Power issue.

For now, you can just look at those who want to help you as your higher power, if that helps you to pray. That's what I did. I hope you can get to a meeting soon...when you are feeling up to it. It can really help when you are feeling so overwhelmed and confused.

Hugs...I've been where you are and I promise it will get better. Try not to worry about the future....and focus on getting through today.
Ashley

doorknob

That's a tough one for me. I don't believe there is a deity and if there is some kind of "power" that drives the universe, I don't believe in the concept of divine intervention. I use 12 Step meetings for sober fellowship, but use secular recovery concepts because they make more sense to me. I just don't relate to making up a god. Seems like having an imaginary friend. But that's just me, and in the recovery world and society in general, I am a minority. People at meetings here get someone irritated when I share this. But hey, I don't have any religious/spiritual beliefs, and that is who I am, and I'm okay with that.

Doorknob

jlostj

hang in there...... im gonna drive up there and talk to in person sometime next week or so.... i really want you to overcome this with me, because i cant make it alone either.

Gooch

What if you could take nearly everything you thought you knew about the Creator that was giving you trouble and embark on a journey to create your own definition of What/Who brings order form the chaos?

You can. NA has given all of us the right to a personal understanding of a greater source of strength and courage that works for each of us in it's own way.

I encourage you to start that journey and use 2 simple guidelines. That it be beneficial and non judgemental. ( The Basic Text says loving and forgiving but for me that was a stretch when I got into the rooms)

hope this helps.