Joelly's Girl

After reading on the Nar-anon postings "things that freak you out when living with an addict" and "Quackese" I really started to feel ill..

I need answers on some thing...when trying to go sober, do you you still get paranoid? Do you date clean people b/c you know they are naive to the lifestyle? Do you lie about your feelings for them because they will stick around if you drop the "I'm trying" routine? Can you not control what you say if its a lie or the truth? Do you become co-dependent on people after you stop using....


I am going crazy here b/c I am about 6 hours away from breaking it off with my abf (dating him for 2.5 mos now). I knew him in high school, remember him as being normal. Now, he claims I'm the reason for staying away from the stuff, (even though he's admitting to slipping once but now more educated, I think its been more times than that) but after reading some posts, I'm starting to think he's keeping me around to 'help' him out with bills (I live with him) and whatever else. He's lazy around the house - but has his good moments. Is it good to be tough on him when it comes to doing stuff or should I make it easy for him?

He says things will eventually get better, but is he lying? I know he's at his wits end and even last night he said he would rather just give it all up and take the easy way out. He has his hopeless moments, and I give all the positivity I can. He can't take critizism from anyone or he gets in defense mode. He has an ego plus he's an addict.

I love him but I can't love him for the both of us.

michski

Hello Joelly's,

Such Good Questions!!! Of course no one knows the answers! I'm sure you'll get quite a few suggestions and comments but here's my two cents worth:

Only he is responsible for his use.. and believe me the excuses I gave my hubby sky rocketed out of dimension and time as we know it

No one, including you can "save" him from his addiction. Only he can decide to stay healthy and stop being literally "led by the nose" by his urges for cocaine.

The more important issue is whether or not you want to live with an active user who will tell you a thousand times he's gonna stop and not be able to. It's been more than 4 years since I've used cocaine and I am continually shocked yet grateful that my husband put up with any part of it. Jeez, I wouldn't have if he did it to me. Well, funny how love works it's miracles! An important personal footnote is that I didn't take becoming clean and sober seriously until he took leaving me seriously! I am glad he did because that's what it took for me to clean up my act and grow up!

Wish you the best of luck and want you to know that there's nothing wrong with telling both him and the rest of the world that you don't want an addict for a life's partner. It isn't easy but we are talking about YOUR life and what YOU want.. the rest is what he wants and it's doesn't have to be conditional either.

Keep in touch, lots of great people here that have walked in your moccasins!

Yours in sobriety,
Michele