krishna

I´m having an extreamly hard time in accepting myself right now. After 5 years clean of heroine and cocaine (my drugs of choice) i again started to have feelings of anxsiety and fear facing my responsabilities in life. I´m feeling weak and i want to use drugs. I´m totally panniking, i never expected to feel like this at this time of my life, when everything seemed to be so fine. Do i have to finally accept that my addiction will stay in my life forever?... Even with family and friends i can not talk about this easily, because all of them expect me to be doing okay after so long. I admit, i though that too, but how are this feelings coming back? Should i be aware of anything that may had happened that brought me back to that way i was feeling before? Please, somebody help me, i´m just so affraid i can go and use drugs again and destroy my life. I´m desperate, the anxsiety follows me every where, i dream with drugs and i can´t keep myself concentrated.

BetterNowsBaby

Is there something in your life or in your attitude that is the same as when you were using? What you have to ask yourself is why am I REALLY unhappy. Get to the core of your problem. We were addicts long before we ever touched the drug. We didn't have the dope, but we had the addictive behavior. So what is it that is creating the void in your life that you THINK you can fill with drugs. Have you done any praying lately? Oh and I almost forgot...GET TO A MEETING!!! QUICKLY!!!

eddie z.

Welcome to SR,
krishna!!

NA literature in Dutch <---- Here is some material you may want to look at!

Sounds to me like you ought to do a thorough First Step. Do you go to NA? Have a sponsor? Work Steps? There is also an NA pamphlet called "Self-Acceptance" you may want to read also. Working the Steps helps us learn to accept ourselves. I highly recommend you get involved with NA and work some Steps with a sponsor. Best wishes in your recovery!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

krishna

I used to go to NA but not anymore... i´m aware of the risks in not going to any meetings, and now i´m sure that´s what i need and have to do to stay fine. Thanks for your support and words, and thank you Eddie for the literature in Dutch. I´ll read it carefully, i´ll search for meetings and get a sponsor to work on the steps.
I´ll also keep in touch.

Love,
Krishna

best

Changes come and things do get easier to deal with but those of us with addictive ways will always have them to some degree under the surface.
It is through the steps that we learn how to deal with the emotions and feelings and help to bring change to our self. The changes are what makes it easier.

Yes getting back to meetings will do you a world of good.
It will refresh the things you have learned in the past and bring you the needed strength for today.

In memory of miracle

Dont let what evryone "thinks" dictate what you need to do for yourself. I put up a strong front too sometimes. Doesnt serve me very well when I do. Getting back to meetings sounds like a great idea.Stay close.

Bless, Trish

eddie z.

You're welcome, Krishna! And do let us know how things go!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

mackat

heh krishna

i agree with going back to meetings- often the meetings are important reminders to me of the way my life was before i got clean [was NOT a pretty picture!!!]

hugs
mackat

krishna

After sharing some feelings here, i´m felling much more positive and strong. I looked up for meetings here in the area i live and tomorrow i´ll go to a NA meeting. I´m looking foward to go, it´s necessary! I´m also a bit nervous, because i don´t go to a meeting for so long, but i´m sure it´s gonna be very good for me to make contact with people of NA here in Amsterdam. I used to follow the meetings in my home country before i moved to Holland 4 years ago. So for 4 years i´ve been away from NA... now it´s time to go back, before i let myself fall into the tricks of my addiction.
I think i´ve been arrogant for thinking that i didn´t need meetings anymore. I guess i believed that after 5 years clean i was ok and nothing could change... the truth is that for the last times i get too nervous too fast, and for no reason, i think about drugs and about my past... i don´t want to forget my past, i allways want to remember where i´ve been and what i´ve seen and been trough, but latelly that´s affecting my life and it´s time to put some action on my recovery, so i can still feel proud of myself and all the things i´ve acomplished in the last 5 years.
Today i feel better than yesterday, because i shared my feelings. I don´t know how i´m gonna feel tomorrow, but i know i´m not alone and that´s the good thing for today.
... One day at the time!
Love,
Krishna

eddie z.

What is your home country? I'm just curious. I made an assumption when I sent you that link in Dutch, didn't I?

Thank you for sharing again, Krishna! I have to go to meetings for 5 years myself because of my professional situation, but sometimes I need to be reminded that I'll have to KEEP going after that.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

krishna

I was born in Portugal. No problem about the link in Dutch, i actually speak dutch all the time, it´s already a second language (here i can practice writting in English! )
See u later!
Krishna

eddie z.

You practice all you like and let us know how the meetings go, OK?

Love and hugs,
Eddie