hello, i need some advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18
hello, i need some advice
hello there.
i made a thread in the newcomers section and it was suggested very kindly that i head to NA. if im in the wrong place im terribly sorry.
basically i feel very foolish and low now. ive been clean from cocaine for a year, i gave up by myself, thinking it would get easier, but its gotten much harder.
since christmas ive been getting memories from my childhood and things, that before ive blocked out and its horrible and i hate myself, god, thats not even strong enough for how i feel. i want to scratch out my own eyes.
when i was doing coke, i was happy..i had a fabulous job, stacks of friends, was the life and soul of the party and now im so bare and empty, i have isolated myself, im terrified of meeting new people and i obsess and crave coke all of the time. and its getting worse. at the weekend i went to a pride festival and i was positively drooling at all these people high... and i wasnt one of them...
i dont know, i dont want to think about my past its too painful, and before i never thought of it and now i do, and i have no one to talk to who can help. i went to the doctors but chickened out, so im quite nervous. and like i say if im writing in the wrong place im sorry.
please can anyone help? or give me any ideas of how to get over this hard patch?
thank you ever so for your time.
infinate.
i made a thread in the newcomers section and it was suggested very kindly that i head to NA. if im in the wrong place im terribly sorry.
basically i feel very foolish and low now. ive been clean from cocaine for a year, i gave up by myself, thinking it would get easier, but its gotten much harder.
since christmas ive been getting memories from my childhood and things, that before ive blocked out and its horrible and i hate myself, god, thats not even strong enough for how i feel. i want to scratch out my own eyes.
when i was doing coke, i was happy..i had a fabulous job, stacks of friends, was the life and soul of the party and now im so bare and empty, i have isolated myself, im terrified of meeting new people and i obsess and crave coke all of the time. and its getting worse. at the weekend i went to a pride festival and i was positively drooling at all these people high... and i wasnt one of them...
i dont know, i dont want to think about my past its too painful, and before i never thought of it and now i do, and i have no one to talk to who can help. i went to the doctors but chickened out, so im quite nervous. and like i say if im writing in the wrong place im sorry.
please can anyone help? or give me any ideas of how to get over this hard patch?
thank you ever so for your time.
infinate.
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
Welcome Infinate!!!! You're definitely in the right pace!!!!! I honestly suggest trying a face to face Narcotics Anonymous in your area...i know its scary but once you go you'll find people who are and have been in your shoes, they'll welcome you with open arms, share their experience , strength and hope. Support you when you're down, craving, up and loving life....please give it a try...what have you got to lose?? There is a way through your pqain, guilt and shame...gotta go through it,,,not over or around it...unfortuately that;'s just the way it works...Give yourself some credit for staying off that crap for a year!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now comes the hard part...learning to live life on lifes terms...clean..its so worth the work!!! I promise
keep coming back, you're very important to us. We'll love you till you can love yourself and then some!!
\\// Wendy
Now comes the hard part...learning to live life on lifes terms...clean..its so worth the work!!! I promise
keep coming back, you're very important to us. We'll love you till you can love yourself and then some!!
\\// Wendy
Addict
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: NWNJA of NA
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by infinate
now im so bare and empty, i have isolated myself, im terrified of meeting new people and i obsess and crave coke all of the time. and its getting worse.
(ps - it really is worth it
)
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Yes it is worth it.
Face to face meetings can be very scary, but you will make friends, remember that everyone in that room is there for the same reason that you are, just to say sober one more day.
Face to face meetings can be very scary, but you will make friends, remember that everyone in that room is there for the same reason that you are, just to say sober one more day.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Try this link, infinate! It's for NA in the UK. And do check out some face-to-face meetings. I mean, why not? Best wishes in your recovery!
Love and
s,
Eddie
Love and
s,Eddie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18
hello again.
thank you for replying to me, gosh everyone is so nice here, i dont know what i expected but thank you.
please dont think im in anyway disregarding your advice, because im so grateful that you took the time to reply to me... i think i expected to be treated like some kind of lepar, and im so touched and honoured that you'd bother with me so thank you thank you, but there is no way right now i can even think about going to a face to face meeting. the thought terrifies me, im shaking just thinking about it. and what would people think? im so ashamed of myself.
i cant speak to people either, when i do i go all funny, when im getting to any point or feel like im getting somewhere i get this sinking feeling inside like a comedown and im so conscious that im not high, and i cant talk without coke i clam up and lose what i was saying and its so embarassing.
im just so tired of being alone and empty and a useless lump of flesh. my partner is clean and healthy and just doesnt get me at all, he thinks i should be cured now and im stupid for feeling this way, and he says its insulting when i reject him but i cant help it, i dont want to break up with him ever... christ we are supposed to be getting married but at the same time im so ashamed and disappointed for him. he met this girl who was brilliant fun, was happy, at least on the surface, and now he's stripped away my skin and im just this raw pathetic over sensitive paranoid wreck and im so angry at myself. i want to cut myself again but i cant because he'll see and get mad at me, so i get addicted to routine... everything has to be just exactly the same. i clean like a nutter, the showergels have an order that i actually worry over being broken (stupid i know) and if someone cuts my toast the wrong way im terrified that means someones going to get hurt. ive gone from being a glamourous, bubbly, independent woman, to being this freak who just wants to be invisible, to hide in my pjamas and cry. its almost like i know where the weak spots in our relationship are and i keep prodding them because if he breaks or gives up on me that means i can go and do coke but thats warped isnt it? i scour my cards and notes for the tiniest grain of coke... its long since licked away, i just miss the taste it made me feel safe.
i just dont think i can carry on like this. im getting worse and worse since christmas and my mum is around and i dont want her its too much to even begin with im just such a mess
thank you for replying to me, gosh everyone is so nice here, i dont know what i expected but thank you.
please dont think im in anyway disregarding your advice, because im so grateful that you took the time to reply to me... i think i expected to be treated like some kind of lepar, and im so touched and honoured that you'd bother with me so thank you thank you, but there is no way right now i can even think about going to a face to face meeting. the thought terrifies me, im shaking just thinking about it. and what would people think? im so ashamed of myself.
i cant speak to people either, when i do i go all funny, when im getting to any point or feel like im getting somewhere i get this sinking feeling inside like a comedown and im so conscious that im not high, and i cant talk without coke i clam up and lose what i was saying and its so embarassing.
im just so tired of being alone and empty and a useless lump of flesh. my partner is clean and healthy and just doesnt get me at all, he thinks i should be cured now and im stupid for feeling this way, and he says its insulting when i reject him but i cant help it, i dont want to break up with him ever... christ we are supposed to be getting married but at the same time im so ashamed and disappointed for him. he met this girl who was brilliant fun, was happy, at least on the surface, and now he's stripped away my skin and im just this raw pathetic over sensitive paranoid wreck and im so angry at myself. i want to cut myself again but i cant because he'll see and get mad at me, so i get addicted to routine... everything has to be just exactly the same. i clean like a nutter, the showergels have an order that i actually worry over being broken (stupid i know) and if someone cuts my toast the wrong way im terrified that means someones going to get hurt. ive gone from being a glamourous, bubbly, independent woman, to being this freak who just wants to be invisible, to hide in my pjamas and cry. its almost like i know where the weak spots in our relationship are and i keep prodding them because if he breaks or gives up on me that means i can go and do coke but thats warped isnt it? i scour my cards and notes for the tiniest grain of coke... its long since licked away, i just miss the taste it made me feel safe.
i just dont think i can carry on like this. im getting worse and worse since christmas and my mum is around and i dont want her its too much to even begin with im just such a mess
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by infinate
and what would people think? im so ashamed of myself.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Addict
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: NWNJA of NA
Posts: 21
infinate,
you really are no different from any of us. most of us went thru the same feelings. we really did.
as far as what people would think, well, thats really none of your business. you may not understand that right now, but the point is, you are going to go to a meeting for you right? your going to go to a meeting to save your ass, not your face, right?
but you know, all this fear of going to a meeting really is an illusion. i mean, we are not going to judge you, so we are not going to think any less of you. actually, we will prolly give you hugs and talk with you and tell you how crazy we were when we first started going to meetings. we'll go out to the diner and get some coffee or a bite to eat. we'll prolly invite you to a picnic or other upcoming fellowship event. we'll give you our phone number and tell you to call ANYTIME. we'll tell you WE LOVE YOU and to keep coming back.
as a result, you will get a sponsor, start working some steps and start to feel better. you'll realize coke was not the problem (keep coming you'll see). you'll start to get to know yourself on a level you never knew existed. you'll meet or get to know better a God of your understanding. you'll start to LIVE AND ENJOY LIFE.
on the other hand, if you dont go to a meeting, the alternatives are usually jail, institutions, deriliction or death...
infinate, you CAN do this. there is a seat waiting for you.
you really are no different from any of us. most of us went thru the same feelings. we really did.
as far as what people would think, well, thats really none of your business. you may not understand that right now, but the point is, you are going to go to a meeting for you right? your going to go to a meeting to save your ass, not your face, right?
but you know, all this fear of going to a meeting really is an illusion. i mean, we are not going to judge you, so we are not going to think any less of you. actually, we will prolly give you hugs and talk with you and tell you how crazy we were when we first started going to meetings. we'll go out to the diner and get some coffee or a bite to eat. we'll prolly invite you to a picnic or other upcoming fellowship event. we'll give you our phone number and tell you to call ANYTIME. we'll tell you WE LOVE YOU and to keep coming back.
as a result, you will get a sponsor, start working some steps and start to feel better. you'll realize coke was not the problem (keep coming you'll see). you'll start to get to know yourself on a level you never knew existed. you'll meet or get to know better a God of your understanding. you'll start to LIVE AND ENJOY LIFE.
on the other hand, if you dont go to a meeting, the alternatives are usually jail, institutions, deriliction or death...
infinate, you CAN do this. there is a seat waiting for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18
okay!!! i was being really brave and i rang the na helpline and spoke to a lovely lady who totally understood me! fancy that! im not barking after all. its like having a comfort blanket wrapped around me, and you know what? she wasnt all serious, as i was talking she was laughing saying "oooooh yes i know that one, i did that too..." and it totally put me at ease... it was just like talking to an old friend who i havent spoken to in ages!
and she said there was a meeting tomorrow right by me, and i could go, she gave me the phone number and then said she could arrange for someone (a lady) to meet me and go with me! so i wouldnt be so scared. but she said if thats too hard for now i can ring the helpline every day or every hour if i liked. she was so cool.
she answered the phone bloody quick too, i nearly chickened out, but she was there before i had chance to hang up! for the first time in ages i feel almost happy that im going through feelings that other people do too. she agreed that when you stop all the memories come back and she said getting them out was a good thing.
i'll definatly ring tomorrow, im still not sure about the meeting. its breaking my routines too much, and i need to figure a plan where i can make everything okay for me to go....dont quite know what to do yet. but phoning them is better than nothing isnt it?
infinate
and she said there was a meeting tomorrow right by me, and i could go, she gave me the phone number and then said she could arrange for someone (a lady) to meet me and go with me! so i wouldnt be so scared. but she said if thats too hard for now i can ring the helpline every day or every hour if i liked. she was so cool.
she answered the phone bloody quick too, i nearly chickened out, but she was there before i had chance to hang up! for the first time in ages i feel almost happy that im going through feelings that other people do too. she agreed that when you stop all the memories come back and she said getting them out was a good thing.
i'll definatly ring tomorrow, im still not sure about the meeting. its breaking my routines too much, and i need to figure a plan where i can make everything okay for me to go....dont quite know what to do yet. but phoning them is better than nothing isnt it?
infinate
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Yes it is. I do the helpline here in my area and it is very rewarding when someone like you call. Please know that you helped that woman as much as you helped yourself.
Breaking routine...hmmmm, maybe that is not such a bad thing. I hope you call again and make it to that meeting.
Keep talking, cause we are listening.
Breaking routine...hmmmm, maybe that is not such a bad thing. I hope you call again and make it to that meeting.
Keep talking, cause we are listening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18
you find it rewarding when people like ME ring you? may i ask why? i find it hard to understand that i helped her? i hope so... thats a nice thought.how though?
as for the routine thing... ummm recently its been getting hard for me to go out and about, everything seems so big, and i worry about bringing germs in and stuff. but i will try. i'll definatly ring a few times, and maybe i can find someone in the area to meet me first, that might be okay. i dont know. its still scarey. i just want a friend....
as for the routine thing... ummm recently its been getting hard for me to go out and about, everything seems so big, and i worry about bringing germs in and stuff. but i will try. i'll definatly ring a few times, and maybe i can find someone in the area to meet me first, that might be okay. i dont know. its still scarey. i just want a friend....
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
infinate,
I am so proud of you! That is so great that you called them. One thing you may want to consider is, if it's available where you are, going to a women's meeting to start out with. Might be easier. Just a thought! At least keep calling and posting.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
I am so proud of you! That is so great that you called them. One thing you may want to consider is, if it's available where you are, going to a women's meeting to start out with. Might be easier. Just a thought! At least keep calling and posting.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18
thank you eddie z!
in a sort of silly way im proud of me too. i didnt say much at first, but she was so... normal... she just chatted away asked questions, told me exactly what happens at meetings, i guess i thought they stood you up in front of a whole hall full of people and made you tell your deepest and darkest, and she laughed and said noooo its optional to share, you can just listen.
i think i would like to go, but i cant just go tomorrow. there isnt enough time to prepare, but i'll ring. and post here if im allowed, and maybe i might even make a friend just like her who i can talk to, and even better someone might even talk to me about stuff.
i dont know why i feel so excited now. im silly.
infinate
in a sort of silly way im proud of me too. i didnt say much at first, but she was so... normal... she just chatted away asked questions, told me exactly what happens at meetings, i guess i thought they stood you up in front of a whole hall full of people and made you tell your deepest and darkest, and she laughed and said noooo its optional to share, you can just listen.
i think i would like to go, but i cant just go tomorrow. there isnt enough time to prepare, but i'll ring. and post here if im allowed, and maybe i might even make a friend just like her who i can talk to, and even better someone might even talk to me about stuff.
i dont know why i feel so excited now. im silly.
infinate
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
awwee infinate!!!! big hugs to you girl!!! That was a very courageous step you took!! I'm proud of you to and dopn't feel silly for being proud of yourself!!!!!
I've been to candlelight meetings...no one stands..some meetings have a room with a few couches...they're all different but the important thing is that we all suffer from this addiction, we want to live, we find support, comfort , a place that i call home...home away from home, friends who really do care.
I know the routine one gets in...i'm a crack addict...everything done a certain way..a certain time..I'm really shaking my head as I type this because i remember only too well. I'm coming up on my 1st year birthday soon, clean and sober...i was sitting with my daughter outside the other day...i was looking on the ground and saw something shiny...i said Rylee whats that on the ground there...she picked it up and said mom!! it's just a bead...she said...you never used to do that...i notice you look on the ground all the time now!! OMG i didn't even realize i still do that. i never used to...At the same time Infinate...I'm looking people in the eye these days...i can look in the mirror and not be ashamed of who i am...i am a drug addicted alcoholic. How did i get to where i am today? By going to meetings...by realizing i am powerless over drugs and alcohol...by accepting that i can't recover alone, i need help. I too was scared to go to my first meeting, its really not that scary when you get there because you will hear people talk and think they are telling your story. You don't have to talk!!! just say 'i pass'.
FEAR
False
Events
Appearing
Real
Fear
Face
Everything
And
Recover
You are the most important person infinate, you are worth it, please keep coming back, make those calls, and don't give up
\\//& luv Wendy
I've been to candlelight meetings...no one stands..some meetings have a room with a few couches...they're all different but the important thing is that we all suffer from this addiction, we want to live, we find support, comfort , a place that i call home...home away from home, friends who really do care.
I know the routine one gets in...i'm a crack addict...everything done a certain way..a certain time..I'm really shaking my head as I type this because i remember only too well. I'm coming up on my 1st year birthday soon, clean and sober...i was sitting with my daughter outside the other day...i was looking on the ground and saw something shiny...i said Rylee whats that on the ground there...she picked it up and said mom!! it's just a bead...she said...you never used to do that...i notice you look on the ground all the time now!! OMG i didn't even realize i still do that. i never used to...At the same time Infinate...I'm looking people in the eye these days...i can look in the mirror and not be ashamed of who i am...i am a drug addicted alcoholic. How did i get to where i am today? By going to meetings...by realizing i am powerless over drugs and alcohol...by accepting that i can't recover alone, i need help. I too was scared to go to my first meeting, its really not that scary when you get there because you will hear people talk and think they are telling your story. You don't have to talk!!! just say 'i pass'.
FEAR
False
Events
Appearing
Real
Fear
Face
Everything
And
Recover
You are the most important person infinate, you are worth it, please keep coming back, make those calls, and don't give up
\\//& luv Wendy
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by infinate
i dont know why i feel so excited now. im silly.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18
i am smiling. im going to phone tomorrow too. i feel so relieved. if i hadnt of come here i would have never thought to phone na. never ever. stiff upper lip and all that. put up and shut up. and i did the opposite and i feel really excited. and im on my own tonight and no one to share this happy mood in. i'll ring tomorrow because i dont want this to go away.
thank you wendy, i feel funny being proud of myself its like i dont deserve it. i do feel guilty for troubling the nice lady i spoke to, but she didnt seem to mind. so thats okay i guess. thank you for sharing that stuff with me. you know i was reading others stories earlier, and it is comforting to hear others stories...
infinate
thank you wendy, i feel funny being proud of myself its like i dont deserve it. i do feel guilty for troubling the nice lady i spoke to, but she didnt seem to mind. so thats okay i guess. thank you for sharing that stuff with me. you know i was reading others stories earlier, and it is comforting to hear others stories...
infinate
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
yeah what eddie said. You helped that woman on the phone by her helping you, by getting out of herself for just those few minutes. By sharing the recovery that she works hard at with someone else.
Be proud of yourself, I know that feels werid, I really understand that. That is part of recovery, learning to take credit when we deserve it.
Call again, call again today if you need to that is why people are on the phoneline to be there when another addict needs them to.
Be proud of yourself, I know that feels werid, I really understand that. That is part of recovery, learning to take credit when we deserve it.
Call again, call again today if you need to that is why people are on the phoneline to be there when another addict needs them to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18
oh stop!! im smiling a lot and im getting all teary i havent helped you, im just me, and you are the ones who have helped me, you ar ethe people who told me to contact them and its made me feel better than i have in months. im so grateful. what can i do to say thank you? i really mean it!
i feel like a bag of jumping beans right now, and im on my own with my cats. i wish they could understand how excited i am. feel like dancing around a room.
god, this morning i wanted the bed to swallow me, now i want to jump around. i am nuts after all!
infinate
i feel like a bag of jumping beans right now, and im on my own with my cats. i wish they could understand how excited i am. feel like dancing around a room.
god, this morning i wanted the bed to swallow me, now i want to jump around. i am nuts after all!
infinate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18
paulie, i wont call again tonight, i wouldnt want them to get tired of me, but i'll ring tomorrow. without a doubt. i'll say i rang yesterday and they said i could ring everyday until i have the courage to meet someone face to face. its a shame there wasnt a meeting tonight. i would have gone then, see im all alone now, and my "better" half wouldnt know, and he wouldnt grill me for info the second i got through the door. too much pressure.
wish he were here now though, i might even let him hug me. oh well.
infinate
wish he were here now though, i might even let him hug me. oh well.
infinate
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