LizzyB

I've recently been doing some reading and journaling to work through some trauma's I've experienced. I would like to get into some councelling, and I'm working up to it. Unfortunately my last councelling experience was in itself traumatic, and happens to be one of the things I'm working through.

I do not see myself as a victim, but as a survivor. I'm willing to do the work. I've spent many years of my life ignoring things I was feeling...refusing to feel anything at all. I don't want to live that way anymore, it has cost me too much. I've made choices and put up with intolerable behaviour from others, that I'm sure I wouldn't have, had I been emotionally healthy.

My first experience with sex was an "aqcuaintance rape", it's something that I never spoke about. I still get extremely uncomfortable when my women friends bring up the conversation of "their first time". I just want to slink away from the table. (I'll actually do it too...I'll find any reason I can think of to excuse myself from the conversation). Later when I was twenty (the night of my twentieth birthday, actually) I was attacked once again...this time in my home, while in bed sleeping. This person was a stranger to me, a friend of my roomates. This attack was much more violent, there was a knife involved...and this time I actually feared for my life.

I'm thirty-two now, and there were many years that I wouldn't allow myself to think of these events. The only time I thought about it was when something happened or someone said something to trigger a memory. I thought I could just forget, god I wish I could forget.

This brings me to my current problem. While working through these issues, I find myself having flashbacks from my childhood. I always suspected that something happened to me as a child, because of my huge memory gaps. I've always just left it alone, though. I do not want to open that box. I do not want to go there. I just don't think I can handle it.

They are just flashes. When it happens, I actually find myself saying out loud, "NO...I do not want to remember...I do not want to remember." It's preventing me from moving forward. I can now, without shame, look at what happened to me when I was sixteen and twenty and try to work through it. I want to get past it, I really do. But, not at the expense of triggering memories of things I am not yet equipped to deal with. So, I find myself at an impass. I am so not ready to deal with flashbacks...I want to forget, like I always have. My biggest fear is that I will remember...and just go completely insane. It terrifies me.

lrywin

I promise you the only way over it is through it.

It's hard, and it's scary.

But having come out on the other side of my rape & incest victimizations, I can enjoy my body. I can enjoy sex. I can trust men. I can trust myself and my instincts.

And my first sexual experience was the incest. But when I talk to people about the "first time" I talk about the first boyfriend in my life. Because truly, in my heart, that was my "first". The other experience was my stepfather's sickness.

Morning Glory

I went through my memories in my late 40's. About 3 years ago my daughter, who was 30 started having some flashes of memories. I encouraged her to let them all come up. She experienced a break down. What came up was like something right out of a horror movie. I really questioned in fear whether I had done the right thing by encouraging her to remember. I had to go see a sexual abuse counselor just to get through what had happened to my daughter. I asked the counselor if I had done the right thing. I thought she would have been better off not knowing. The counselor told me it was the right thing to do. She said she had many clients that were in their 70's when they started dealing with their memories and that was very, very sad.

My daughter did not go crazy and was functioning normally again after a year of therapy from the sexual abuse treatment center. She is 33 now and it is all behind her. Mine is also behind me.

So in hind sight I am glad she went through it and I'm glad I went through it. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through, but I never have to worry about it again. You will feel like your going crazy for a month or two, but you can get through it with support. You don't have to try and remember and you don't have to force anything. Your mind will do what it's going to do when you are ready to deal with it.

We're all here for you.

Hugs,
MG

splendra

(((Lizzy)))

I think you were very brave to share here. I hope you will get some counseling to help you thru the rough spots. You probably know that the sooner you deal with it the sooner you will move forward. Just take baby steps. You are strong (((Lizzy))) and your mind won't put you thru anything you and God can't handle. You don't have to like it but, I think you will find that you will recover little pieces of yourself.

historyteach

(((Lizzy)))
I fully understand your pain. And your fear. I dealt with issues surrounding an "aquaintance" rape years ago. With the pain, fear, shame, self blame and absolute anger it involves. So, I hear you.
You will not go crazy. I promise you that.
But, I do think it would be best to deal with it in some kind of theraputic manner. There are groups, if a counselor makes you uneasy due to that past experience. Unfortunately, it takes time, (or really good luck!) to find a good counselor. So, a group support situation might be something to look at. A survivor's group.
Because, Lizzy, you ARE a survivor!
Come and share often; let us know how you're doing. Also, don't forget, Mark's forum in the Ask the Experts forum; and the PTSD or mental health forums to get additional support. We care...
Shalom, my friend.

pedagogue

I agree you need to activity engage these memories and feelings, but it has to be done in a safe environment. I think individual therapy would be the best course, but you need to be comfortable with the therapist and the relationship. Once you find your 'space', you can start to address your memories. You can transition to a group setting once you get the nuts and bolts down.

-pedagogue

Wolfstarr

(((Lizzy))))
I am feeling the same way. I just read your post...it's the same type feeling.
I would have liked for my episode to just stay forgotten, but I had a trigger and all the memories came back. It's so exhausting, isn't it.
No, I don't want to remember.
Oh Lizzy, thanks for your post, you are so courageous to lay that out in the open...keep working through, you are doing so good.

LizzyB

I want to thank you all, for your warm thoughts and responses. I know they all come from a place of pain and understanding. There is much healing in understanding too. I find that the more I talk about what happened to me, the less it controls me. I feel less fear...if that makes sense.

For me, someone who has let fear influence her life and choices for so long, there's a comfort in releasing the shame I felt for things that were done to me, without my control, without my ability to stop what was happening. I've done more harm than good over the years with my what if? If only... thinking. It's almost as if I thought if I could find blame in myself, something I did or didn't do...I could gain back some control. These things just happened, there was no choice, there was nothing I did or didn't do...that could have changed anything. I've been hard on myself, and I'm ready to stop now.

As for the flashbacks...ugh. I'm not even a little interested right now in dealing with them. I wish they would go away, and perhaps they will until I'm ready. I'm a pretty smart woman, logically, I understand that until I deal with something...it will be there waiting to be released. But my heart is heavy right now and my brain is fuzzy, I just need more time. I don't want to fall apart...I like my sanity, right where it is, for now anyway. I do understand my need for councelling when I'm ready to explore these issues, I know it's not something I want to go through alone.

I just want to thank you all again, I find there is so much comfort in knowing I'm not alone, but you all already understand that. Much peace to you all...

Morning Glory

You don't have to do it now or ever if you don't want to. There are many people who find a good place without digging up old wounds.

I had a huge light bulb moment a couple of months ago about shame. I wasn't able to separate myself from what happened to me. So I was keeping both a secret. I was brushing myself under the rug along with what others thought was too shameful to talk about. I don't feel quite so invisible anymore. We are not what happened to us. I still feel a lot of shame though and still have work to do. I still can't talk about things without thinking I'm the bad person. So many people still treat victims so poorly. It makes me sad.

LizzyB

Thank-you for saying that, MG. It's something I have to be reminded of sometimes.

Some people just don't know what to say, or how to deal, I guess. It's unfortunate that some choose to tip-toe around things that are uncomfortable...or ignore them altogether even.

Some of the things that where said to me, or in my presence after I was attacked, had a huge impact on how I delt with things...on how I felt about myself. Even though they didn't intentionally mean to do so, people created feelings of shame and guilt within me.

The night of my attack, my roomate came home to find me in the shower. I have no recollection of how long I'd been there, but she told me later on that the water had run cold, and I was sitting in a little ball in the corner of the tub. She said it must have been a while, because I was shaking all over, and my lips where blue. She immediately called the police, even though I begged her not to. (even then, I just wanted to forget)

I remember hearing one of the policemen in my hallway saying, "Why was she in the shower? That was stupid. She should know now that any physical evidence we could have collected is gone." I remember thinking that I'd like to take his gun out of his holster and shoot him right between the eyes. I was screaming inside.

I wouldn't co-operate with the police, I wanted them to go away. They just kept on talking...but I couldn't understand a word they were saying, it was like they were talking in a foreign language. They wanted to photograph and document my bruises, cuts, and knife marks...but I refused. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. (I remember feeling so guilty after they left, because I had been so mean to them. It made me feel even more worthless.)

My husband (my boyfriend at the time) lived in another city. The police called him to tell him what happened because I couldn't speak, let alone tell him. It was horrible. When he arrived, he took one look at me and began to cry. I remember feeling like I had done this to him. One of the first things he said to me was, "What was this guy doing in the house in the first place, Lizzy?" For me, at the time, that was the equivalent of saying, "This is your fault." I wanted to die.

I guess the guilt and shame never go away completely, but I know in my heart, that I did what I had to do to survive...to live. The feelings and ideas that follow rape aren't very logical...but they are real, and powerful. It's like saying you are sorry...when you've done nothing wrong. I remember saying that too, to my husband..."I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I felt like I had ruined everything.

splendra

(((Lizzy))))

Babe I am so sorry this happened to you...you didn't deserve it or cause it...and I know how it feels....

LizzyB

Awh Splendra... 's right back attcha, my sweet friend.

pedagogue

lizzy....everytime I hear a story like yours, there is a little part of me that dies because I can't fathom how a human can do something like that to another human. No matter how many times I hear someone recall their experiences, I know I can't begin to imagine the range of emotions they experiences; from rage to anger to fear to shame.

Your description of your experience hits at the core, because it captures everything I have seen in other's experiences, and yet....people still don't get it. I got angry when I read the part about what the officer said. It brought me back to the stories of a few of my closest friends, it happened the same way to them.

I am glad you found SR. I hope we (SR) can be a positive influence on your recovery.

-pedagogue

historyteach

(((Lizzy))))
"I guess the guilt and shame never go away completely..."
Yes, they do go away...or at least they CAN go away. I am a living example of it. I no longer carry the burden of what another person did to me. That guilt and shame belongs to HIM!
We can let it go, Lizzy. Again, I will promise that to you... with love...

"but I know in my heart, that I did what I had to do to survive...to live. "
And we are all better for it. I thank you for that!
I wish I could make it all better for you. But I can't and you and I both know that. I can only assure you, despite what you're believing right now, that it CAN get better.
Please remember one thing as you go through all of this questioning. All of the experiences we go through create who we are.
Lizzy, you are a beautiful child of G*D with a kind heart; a wonderful soul; and a fun spirit. Never forget that. It is who you are. And I am grateful to have begun to know you. Thank you for being you!
Shalom, my friend. Shalom!

LizzyB

Pedagogue...thank-you, so very much.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Teach, my dear friend...I hear every word, my cup runith over.