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Old 04-21-2005, 12:18 PM
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Basic Text Study!!!

WHO IS AN ADDICT?


Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another, the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.

Those of us who have found the program of Narcotics Anonymous do not have to think twice about the question: Who is an addict? We know! The following is our experience.
As addicts, we are people whose use of any mind-altering, mood-changing substance causes a problem in any area of life. Addiction is a disease which involves more than simple drug use. Some of us believe that our disease was present long before the first time we used.
Most of us did not consider ourselves addicted before coming to the Narcotics Anonymous program. The information available to us came from misinformed people. As long as we could stop using for a while, we thought we were all right. We looked at the stopping, not the using. As our addiction progressed, we thought of stopping less and less. Only in desperation did we ask ourselves, "Could it be the drugs"?
We did not choose to become addicts. We suffer from a disease which expresses itself in ways that are anti-social and make detection, diagnosis and treatment difficult.
Our disease isolated us from people except for the getting, using and finding ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world. Anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank and isolation became our life. We used in order to survive. It was the only way of life we knew.
Some of us used, misused and abused drugs and still never considered ourselves addicts. Through all of this, we kept telling ourselves, "I can handle it". Our misconceptions about the nature of addiction conjured up visions of violence, street crime, dirty needles and jail.
When our addiction was treated as a crime or moral deficiency, we became rebellious and were driven deeper into isolation. Some of the highs felt great, but eventually the things we had to do in order to support our using reflected desperation. We were caught in the grip of our disease. We were forced to survive any way we could. We manipulated people and tried to control everything around us. We lied, stole, cheated and sold ourselves. We had to have drugs, regardless of the cost. Failure and fear began to invade our lives.
One aspect of our addiction was our inability to deal with life on its terms. We tried drugs and combinations of drugs in an effort to cope with a seemingly hostile world. We dreamed of finding a magic formula that would solve our ultimate problem - ourselves. The fact was that we could not successfully use any mind-altering or mood-changing substance, including marijuana and alcohol. Drugs ceased to make us feel good
.

Here we go!! I'll post parts of each chapter for discussion Every day or 2, Jump in with your E,S & H.
Todd J.
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Old 04-21-2005, 12:27 PM
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Originally Posted by godsonmyside
Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. .

Our disease isolated us from people except for the getting, using and finding ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world. Anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank and isolation became our life. We used in order to survive. It was the only way of life we knew.
At first I drank and drugged. Then the drink and drugs took me. At that point I had no control, will power or self. The disease owned me body, mind and soul.

Thank god there is a solution and that I am living it today!

Awesome thread, Todd. Thanks.

--phinny
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Old 04-21-2005, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by godsonmyside
The fact was that we could not successfully use any mind-altering or mood-changing substance, including marijuana and alcohol. Drugs ceased to make us feel good.
Well, it worked successfully for an awful long time... Or so it seems. I'm sure that could be argued.
Let's just say I was a fervent proponent that whatever was annoting me could be solved through drink and drug for the longest time.

Then I got here...
Drugs ceased to make us feel good.
I didn't let go. I would not accept that. I kept trying and trying and trying.
Even after finding the fellowship the first time around... I wasn't convinced.

It's only after a little bit of recovery time that I can listen to Who is an addict and really smile, and find in words, a kind of explanation for parts of my life.
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Old 04-21-2005, 01:14 PM
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"could it be the drugs?" !!!!

nowadays ILMAO when i hear this. seems so obvious now , was something i couldn't get til the bitter end.

thanks todd- this thread will do me fine til i can get back to our Fri nite basic text study meet in town

hugs
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Old 04-21-2005, 01:39 PM
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One aspect of our addiction was our inability to deal with life on its terms. We tried drugs and combinations of drugs in an effort to cope with a seemingly hostile world. We dreamed of finding a magic formula that would solve our ultimate problem - ourselves. The fact was that we could not successfully use any mind-altering or mood-changing substance, including marijuana and alcohol. Drugs ceased to make us feel good.
I was trying to find that magic formula, If I could just not run, then I'd be ok.
Sick,huh?
I found trough testing and retesting that I got to such dark places that I do not want to revisit. So life on lifes terms is it, and I am a part of it today instead of excluding myself.
Todd J.
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Old 04-22-2005, 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted by godsonmyside

We did not choose to become addicts.

When our addiction was treated as a crime or moral deficiency, we became rebellious and were driven deeper into isolation. Some of the highs felt great, but eventually the things we had to do in order to support our using reflected desperation. We were caught in the grip of our disease. We were forced to survive any way we could. We manipulated people and tried to control everything around us. We lied, stole, cheated and sold ourselves. We had to have drugs, regardless of the cost. Failure and fear began to invade our lives.

Although I knew in my head that I didn't choose to become an addict, I still felt the harsh pain of guilt over all the hurt I caused myself and others. I was my own moral police when I first came to NA and I sang the 'poor me' song for quite some time! It took a bit of time to work through those feelings but I had to do something because the way that I was living was no longer working for me.

When I began to understand that it was the power of my disease that kept me locked inside a vicious cycle of degradation and despair, not my own true self, I was able to start to put my past behind me and get on with the business of building a better way of life.

I stopped lying, stealing, cheating and selling myself short and started to recover by applying some of the principles of the program into my daily life. I accept the fact that I am an addict and all the responsibilities that go along with it. I am a recovering addict through the grace of a Higer Power and others who have shown me the way. It is not always easy to allow myself to be broken down to come to my truths, but it really is worth it.

More will be revealed........ But .....That's a different chapter!

Peace
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Old 04-25-2005, 06:28 PM
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Whos An Addict?

At times, we were defensive about our addiction and justified our right to use, especially when we had "legal prescriptions". We were proud of the sometimes illegal and often bizarre behavior that typified our using. We "forgot" the times we sat alone consumed by fear and self-pity. We fell into a pattern of selective thinking. We only remembered the "good" drug experiences. We justified and rationalized the things we had to do to keep from being sick or going crazy. We ignored the times when life seemed to be a nightmare. We avoided the reality of our addiction.
Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by our use of drugs. Living skills were reduced to the animal level. Our spirit was broken. The capacity to feel human was lost. This seems extreme, but many of us have been in this state.
We were constantly searching for "the answer" -that person, place or thing that would make everything all right. We lacked the ability to cope with daily living. As our addiction caught up with us, many of us found ourselves in and out of institutions.
These experiences indicated there was something wrong with our lives. We wanted an easy way out and some of us thought of suicide. Our attempts were usually feeble, and only helped to contribute to our feelings of worthlessness. We were trapped in the illusion of "what if", "if only" and "just one more time". When we did seek help, we were really only looking for the absence of pain.
We have regained good physical health many times, only to lose it by using again. Our track record shows that it is impossible for us to use successfully. No matter how well we may appear to be in control, using drugs always brings us to our knees.
Like other incurable diseases, addiction can be arrested. We agree that there is nothing shameful about being an addict, provided we accept our dilemma honestly and take positive action. We are willing to admit without reservation that we are allergic to drugs. Common sense tells us that it would be insane to go back to the source of our allergy. Our experience indicates that medicine cannot "cure" our illness.
Although physical and mental tolerance play a role, many drugs require no extended period of use to trigger allergic reactions. Our reaction is what makes us addicts, not how much we use.
Many of us did not think we had a problem until the drugs ran out. Even when others told us we had a problem, we were convinced that we were right and the world was wrong. We used this belief to justify our self-destructive behavior. We developed a point of view that enabled us to pursue our addiction without concern for our own well-being or that of others. We began to feel the drugs were killing us long before we could ever admit it to anyone else. We noticed that if we tried to stop using, we couldn't. We suspected we had lost control over the drugs and had no power to stop.
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Old 04-27-2005, 04:58 PM
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Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by our use of drugs. Living skills were reduced to the animal level. Our spirit was broken. The capacity to feel human was lost. This seems extreme, but many of us have been in this state.
I was an Animal to say the least, Zombied would be more like it. My spirit was lost in Pluto somewhere!!
When I got here I thought I was the only one, thank God I found out different!!
Todd J.
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Old 04-27-2005, 06:29 PM
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animal level: i was 50 feet from the house. lying in the mud. My dogs trying to get me to come to.

i managed to handle it tho- got rid of the dogs.

still was left with ME....

grateful grateful grateful
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Old 04-27-2005, 08:05 PM
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most of us do not have to think twice about this question..WE KNOW!


ugh .. I hear that one and can feel some empathy rising for them that do have to think twice.
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Old 04-29-2005, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by godsonmyside
We have regained good physical health many times, only to lose it by using again. Our track record shows that it is impossible for us to use successfully. No matter how well we may appear to be in control, using drugs always brings us to our knees.
Many years ago, before I understood what addiction was, I was forever trying to use 'just the right amount' so that I wouldn't have to deal with the severe consequences of my consumption. It never worked. It only seemed to, at times, when I stopped for awhile to get myself 'in control' again.

I remember my Mom used to come to the city where I lived and get me a cheap motel room where she would mostly stay with me while I was going through my withdrawal. She actually had another nicer hotel room that she stayed in when I had my calm times but, of course, could not take me there.

I used to beg her for money so I could get something to take the pain away, but while I was going through withdrawal, she always refused. She would bring me food and vitamins and juices and buy me new clothes and shoes if I needed them, but never would she give me money until............and this is the bizzarre part that we both believed...........I was able to walk back into my 'real' life with the promise that I would behave and not let myself get this way again. When she was convinced and tired and wanted to go back home, and felt the need to prove that she loved me or trusted me or something, she would write me out a cheque for a substantial amount of money, kiss me on the forehead and say goodbye. I'm sure that you know the continuing story but I had myself convinced, at the time, that I could stop getting so out of control. All I had to do was to pay attention to what I was doing, where I was going, and the people I was hanging out with. I thought I would be able to control my consumption just because I knew the difference.

Of course I never could because as soon as I took the first one, I had automatically set myself up for the unknown. It often took awhile for me to get to the point where I would have to call my Mom again, but this cycle continued for about 5 years until I moved back home and slowed down my using without the heavier drugs. I never got as sick as before, but I was still brought to my knees time and again. No one had ever heard of detox and treatment centers in my family (or maybe they did but were just in denial!) so it took lots more punishment for me to be able to realize that I might have a problem and begin to seek help.

Eventually, I found the rooms of recovery and after a time I realized that if anyone was an addict, it surely was me.

Peace
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Old 05-01-2005, 06:30 PM
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I realized I was an addict, when I started stealing Vicodin ES from my Daddy, who needed them more than anyone I know. He had surgery and had just come home with a script of 60. He asked me to get it filled, and I brought him home 20 and told him that's all they prescribed. He bought the story and then I proceeded to steal the rest from him over the next couple days. He was in so much pain and I felt like such a piece of ****. I was honestly hoping he would bust me on it, but he didn't.

I didn't do anything about it at that time, but I do remember it was the definitive moment when I realized it was a problem. It was also about then that I realized that it stopped making me feel good. I didn't "enjoy" the high anymore.
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Old 05-30-2005, 05:46 PM
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Whos An Addict? continued!!!

Certain things followed as we continued to use. We became accustomed to a state of mind common to addicts. We forgot what it was like before we started using; we forgot the social graces. We acquired strange habits and mannerisms. We forgot how to work; we forgot how to play; we forgot how to express ourselves and show concern for others. We forgot how to feel.
While using, we lived in another world. We experienced only periodic jolts of reality or self-awareness. It seemed we were at last two people instead of one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We ran around trying to get our lives together before our next run. Sometimes we could do this very well, but later, it was less important and more impossible. In the end, Dr. Jekyll died and Mr. Hyde took over.
Each of us has a few things we can say we never did. We cannot let these things become excuses to use again. Some of us feel lonely because of differences between us and other members, and this makes it difficult to give up old connections and old habits.
We all have different tolerances for pain. Some addicts needed to go to greater extremes than others. Some of us found we had had enough when we realized that we were getting high too often and it was affecting our daily lives.

Ok noww, It was upon request to start back up and we will continue on thru the text. Lets kee sharing our Experience, Strength and Hope that gets us through each day clean and loving life!
Peace and Love to all,
Todd J.
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Old 05-30-2005, 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by godsonmyside
We forgot what it was like before we started using; we forgot the social graces. We acquired strange habits and mannerisms. We forgot how to work; we forgot how to play; we forgot how to express ourselves and show concern for others. We forgot how to feel.
Slow and insideous - like the frog in the pot of water that starts out cold and then when the heat is turned up slowly, doesn't jump out. I hate this analogy, but it fits. And like the poor frog, drugs were killing me, too. Slowly at first and then faster and faster in the end.

And tolerence for pain? I think I have a very high tolerence for emotional pain and a very low tolerence for physical pain. Can anyone else relate to that?

--phinny
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Old 05-30-2005, 08:19 PM
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And tolerence for pain? I think I have a very high tolerence for emotional pain and a very low tolerence for physical pain. Can anyone else relate to that?
In the past I had the pain physically, and the doctors of coarse gave me the licence to to use. LOL And the physical withdawl kept me out there getting just one more so I didn't have to suffer. My emotional pain lessons as I venture further into this way of life, it creeps back when I don't practice the Spiritual Principles I have learned to practice daily though.

As I continue to live this way of life all those things I "Forgot" how to do are coming back, and I am enjoying life again, I can feel others pain, I can play with my kids again, I can feel my emotions on a real level, that is all a real joy for me today. Some of them I didn't forget tohow to, They just became a real pain in the A$$ and too much time and effort so I shut them out.
While using, we lived in another world. We experienced only periodic jolts of reality or self-awareness. It seemed we were at last two people instead of one, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. We ran around trying to get our lives together before our next run. Sometimes we could do this very well, but later, it was less important and more impossible. In the end, Dr. Jekyll died and Mr. Hyde took over.
This was me through and through. Walking out of the detox at 6 days clean I felt the transformation back to Dr. Jeckle and mister Hyde was put some where and I didn't ask any question, I was volnerable again and I had work ahead of me to become the man I wanted to be.
We all have different tolerances for pain. Some addicts needed to go to greater extremes than others. Some of us found we had had enough when we realized that we were getting high too often and it was affecting our daily lives.
It is a great relief to me that I do not have to go to the great extremes today to get the point of insanity I am causing myself today. That "Don't do it again" keeps me moving on to better things in my life.
Peace,
Todd J.
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Old 05-31-2005, 08:17 AM
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I think I was addicted to the pills from the first buzz. I began drug-seeking, and I didn't have to look very far. My doctor gave me lots of Vicodin for a long time, and then I started going to a quack. It was expensive, but I didn't care, Percoset were worth it. Then I got caught getting scripts from another doctor, and the quack wouldn't see me. But of course, there's a whole internet full of sites that will dole out pharmaceuticals like they are candy.

And all the while, I did have a real medical problem. I really was ill. But, I wasn't in enough pain to require all the thousands of pills I took.

I thought it would be easy once I had my surgery. I would get one more refill, blow through them, and that would be it. I even tapered with the last ten or so.

But, it's not easy. Today is Day 12 with no pain pills, Day 10 with no alcohol. I feel like I've come a long way, but I know I still have a long way to go. My body still wants the drug, and my mind keeps trying to convince me it would be ok to take "just a few." But I've never had just a few of anything. Not pills, not drinks, not cocaine..........the list goes on. It's an all or nothing deal for me. I either stop entirely or I go on the downward spiral.

Thank God for the AA program. I wouldn't have lasted two days without the support I get there. I'm trying to find a sponsor and I've been reading the book. So far, it's been better than the alternative.
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Old 06-01-2005, 04:46 AM
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Thanks for bringing back this thread, Todd! I love to hear about others experiences with the program!



Each of us has a few things we can say we never did. We cannot let these things become excuses to use again. Some of us feel lonely because of differences between us and other members, and this makes it difficult to give up old connections and old habits.
My first attempts at recovery, a number of years ago, found me sitting in meeting rooms horrified by some of the stories I heard. I used to think 'Oh My God! I can't imagine ever having that happen to me. I'm glad I'm not that bad.' Unfortunately,they became my 'yets'. I never left my children alone at night to go use. Yet. I never had my kids taken away. Yet. I never tried to end my life. Yet. etc.... etc....

But the longer I kept using, some of what I heard, happened to me anyway. Unknowingly, my scorn and disapproval would become my future. I naively thought that I had the power to control what happened to me when I used. All those bad things happened to other people, not me. Thank God I had some rude awakenings and the desire to stop the pain and devastation I was causing.

Today, when I hear someone's story and think that I can't relate because it never happened to me, I trust in the fact that it could, and I always put that one little word at the end of my thoughts. 'YET'

I don't have to be able to relate to the specific circumstance. I only need to relate to the feelings that come out of it. That is what keeps me feeling connected, less lonely, and a part of something truly remarkable - The fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

Peace
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Old 06-01-2005, 06:02 AM
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I told my my friend the other day who is celebrating 1 year today, he shares about sleeping in abanded building, and parts of his life living in NYC. I walked up to him the other day and told him how I was jelous, I wasn'rt good enough for a whole building, I had to settle for a Baseball duggout, because they didn't have abanded buidings in the neighbor hoods I lived in.lol
It doesn't mean we didn't go through the same social ingrace, because of the difference, we just have a wide-variety of experience.
CJ, I can relate to what you said about the not yets, I got clean at the age of 18, and I hadn't been through as much as the vet who went to war, or the person who was in and out of jail, or the person who lived on the street, but my need to experience the things I didn't have to, kept me sick.
My life is much better today, Thank God and Gods program, The Program of Narcotics Anonymous.
Peace,
Todd J.
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Old 06-03-2005, 06:09 PM
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Lets try to keep this alive now. I'll keep posting from the text, lets keep sharing our E,S,H.
Peace,
Todd J.
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Old 06-03-2005, 08:36 PM
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I'm ready!

I guess. LOL.

Love and hugs,
Eddie
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