questions about job vs recovery focus
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
questions about job vs recovery focus
I have worked since 1979 supporting my family and bf. Since 1991..I have been on temp. State Disablity around 5 times w/inpt stays for depression and Mariquana Abuse, plus outpt sessions. My inablity to put myself and my recovery first and have a real program always resulted in relaspe. Also am an Adult Child of A, co-addict and co-depend. I decided to take responsiblity for my happiness and life last July..and now live in a Sober Living the last 6months, do steps w/spn, and go to meetings and a chuch recovery program.
I don't have a car and so went I work, I use the bus,trolley..etc and have no engery left to do anything. I got myself on meds for my BP/lidips and depression.
I am going to be 59 yrs old this Sept. and resigned from my part time job due to neg. environment and relationship w/my lead. It was not good for my esteem and totally exhausting.
Working has in the past being a huge part of my ID and esteem, but also a part of my denial system...I am too tired & I must be alright cuz..I can work and support myself. The job I left had no benefits for med/mental health.
I am on Prozec for 6 weeks and have had Cog. thpy...so I am aware of neg. thinking. My issue is am I being lazy..or is wanting to try to go on disablity okay....so I can concentrate on issues of my well being.
I am going to a therpt in 2 weeds and asking if they can help me with..this issue.
my major systom is extreme lack of engery, and lack of concentration. This can be PAW's. I don't take my disease lightly anymore. Can you offer advise and encouragement? Thanks in Advance...Randa
I don't have a car and so went I work, I use the bus,trolley..etc and have no engery left to do anything. I got myself on meds for my BP/lidips and depression.
I am going to be 59 yrs old this Sept. and resigned from my part time job due to neg. environment and relationship w/my lead. It was not good for my esteem and totally exhausting.
Working has in the past being a huge part of my ID and esteem, but also a part of my denial system...I am too tired & I must be alright cuz..I can work and support myself. The job I left had no benefits for med/mental health.
I am on Prozec for 6 weeks and have had Cog. thpy...so I am aware of neg. thinking. My issue is am I being lazy..or is wanting to try to go on disablity okay....so I can concentrate on issues of my well being.
I am going to a therpt in 2 weeds and asking if they can help me with..this issue.
my major systom is extreme lack of engery, and lack of concentration. This can be PAW's. I don't take my disease lightly anymore. Can you offer advise and encouragement? Thanks in Advance...Randa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
I wanted to add to my question above. I am so tired all the time. I feel old and too tired to go look for a good or bad job. I can't seem to get myself going. It takes 2-4 hours one way to get anywhere. I am feeling bad in a way that I am not working...but thinking that maybe I should trust in God...maybe something will come up to answer my questions about how to take care of myself.
I do have trouble w/sleeping..and anxiety. My blood pressure is still high enough with the meds I am taking. My eye sight is not clear...even with glasses only a yr old. Before I lived on caious.nerves, drama..and focusing on another loved addict rather than myself and used Pot to relax..
Why do I feel guilty (alittle) about not working?..confused and tired. Randa
I do have trouble w/sleeping..and anxiety. My blood pressure is still high enough with the meds I am taking. My eye sight is not clear...even with glasses only a yr old. Before I lived on caious.nerves, drama..and focusing on another loved addict rather than myself and used Pot to relax..
Why do I feel guilty (alittle) about not working?..confused and tired. Randa
Addiction Expert
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: NY,NY
Posts: 14
You shouldn't feel guilty about not working & you need to be on disability in my opinion and you need the time to devote to getting better, stronger, healthier. Going to a therapist is a great idea and going to Al Anon meetings would be helplful. But clearly you can't devote any time to your recovery if you're working. So not working & disability is, in my opinion, correct for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
Thank you, in my heart I felt that it was the right thing to do. My brother thinks moving away and getting another job is the answer, but than he does't understand addiction. We have only started talking since I started Recovery as I was too ashamed to talk to him before that. My very closest of recovery friends also agree w/you. God bless...and I am glad that I have an offical valedation..thanks again. randa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
Subject: FW: Re: IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS
Your questions are haunting. They are the things that keep me up at night. I called Tom and talked to Garret about college yesterday and between your last e-mail and this event, I had quest a restless night’s sleep.
Last night before going to bed I glanced at the computer and thought about answering your questions. I told you I would think about them. The true is, they are always on my mind. These are the things I am trying to figure out in my life.
I woke up about 3:00 AM or so…my mind just going and going. I thought about my part in my life. Things like Yvette being molested as a very young child by someone we moved in with in Oregon and how Tom and I had dropped acid and looked at the smog in the sky of El Cajon…and decided to move to Oregon. I thought about why Patty and you won’t hire me to work in Dr. Larry’s office as I thought about all my experience and accomplishments in the health field.
My bed was so messed up when I awoke…I had a very restless night.
One thing is that I will never be over my addictive behavior. My way of wanting to run away from everything and feeling are a part of my life. I sometimes feel like an onion with layers of issues that are coming to surface. I need to forgive myself for my part in my family’s problems, especially my children’s. I need to learn a better way of dealing with life. These are the things Recovery are about. Recovery is a life long journey. If I think I am cured than my head will tell me it is okay to get high one more time to relax. I will never be able to get high just once in while like a normal person. It may start out that way, but it will end up with me getting high daily and running away from responsibility and feelings.
I know life should as simple as me getting a car and just finding a job I like that will gave me enough money to not have to worry about a roof over my head or food in my belly. Maybe sometime in the future it will be that simple. But I must never forget that I am an addict.
I know I need to take better care of myself. In a way I am by going to the doctors for my Blood pressure and high lipids and for depression. Recovery is about process, not perfection.
I will forever have your questions on my mind.
Love,
Randa
Forwarded Message:
Larry,
I loved your questions. I've want to go to a meeting tonight in 20 minutes, so I will think about it and response later. Great questions thought. Love, Randa
Subject: Re: IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS
Dear Sister Randa,
Randa, "What do you want to do" about all your problems . . .
Health issues,Work issues, Old Age, Mental Illness, Depression, Drug Rehabillation, Family problems?
Health: When will you start taking better care of your body?
Work: When will you find and hold a good job?
Old Age: What have you done to prepare yourself for old age?
Mental Illness: What makes you think you have a mental problem?
Depression: What will it take to make you not depressed?
Drug rehabillation: DONE! Good for you.
Family problems: Keep loving them, but they need to take care of themselves.
----- Original Message -----
From: Randa
Subject: RE: IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS
Dear Larry,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. But I believe I am too old to wait at a bus and trolley station to get to work. I believe that I am depressed and not in good enough health to get and keep a job right now.
I have very little energy. I have had a lifetime of mental illness and its time to use what energy I have left on these issues.
If I move to Washington, I still would have to pay off the CA ticket of $391.00 to get a license but before I could think about saving for a car. So, there goes the energy thing again.
Call me lazy if you'd like. call me depressed. while I tried not to think in a negative way, my body is acting depressed. I worry about my health in regards to my high blood pressure and lipids in my blood. I tried not to worry, but something is draining my energy level.
I tried working ever sense I have been here except this last month. When I did work, I was exhausted when I arrived home and had no ene HI RANDA,
I READ YOUR MESSAGE THAT WAS PASSED ON BY SHELLY.
I WANT TO COMPLIMENT YOU ON THE WAY YOU'RE HANDLING THIS PROBLEM WITH YOUR DAUGHTER . . . YOU ARE BECOMING STRONGER!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER? I WISH WE COULD OFFER TO TAKE HER INTO OUR HOME . . . THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE (PATTY AND I) DON'T REALLY HAVE A HOME ANYMORE, WE ARE LIVING WITH MY IN-LAWS NOW AND WILL BE LIVING WITH OUR SON LARRY STARTING JULY.
IF WE STILL LIVED IN THE LA JOLLA HOUSE . . . THEN THINGS COULD BE DIFFERENT? OF COURSE I WOULD ALWAYS NEED THE BACKING OF MY SWEET WIFE.
RANDA (LITTLE SISTER):
I BELIEVE YOU CAN LIVE WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK . . . AND NOT DRINK.
I BELIEVE YOU CAN LIVE WITH PEOPLE WHO SMOKE . . . AND NOT SMOKE
I BELIEVE YOU CAN LIVE WITH PEOPLE WHO DO
Edited by Administrator to protect privacy
Your questions are haunting. They are the things that keep me up at night. I called Tom and talked to Garret about college yesterday and between your last e-mail and this event, I had quest a restless night’s sleep.
Last night before going to bed I glanced at the computer and thought about answering your questions. I told you I would think about them. The true is, they are always on my mind. These are the things I am trying to figure out in my life.
I woke up about 3:00 AM or so…my mind just going and going. I thought about my part in my life. Things like Yvette being molested as a very young child by someone we moved in with in Oregon and how Tom and I had dropped acid and looked at the smog in the sky of El Cajon…and decided to move to Oregon. I thought about why Patty and you won’t hire me to work in Dr. Larry’s office as I thought about all my experience and accomplishments in the health field.
My bed was so messed up when I awoke…I had a very restless night.
One thing is that I will never be over my addictive behavior. My way of wanting to run away from everything and feeling are a part of my life. I sometimes feel like an onion with layers of issues that are coming to surface. I need to forgive myself for my part in my family’s problems, especially my children’s. I need to learn a better way of dealing with life. These are the things Recovery are about. Recovery is a life long journey. If I think I am cured than my head will tell me it is okay to get high one more time to relax. I will never be able to get high just once in while like a normal person. It may start out that way, but it will end up with me getting high daily and running away from responsibility and feelings.
I know life should as simple as me getting a car and just finding a job I like that will gave me enough money to not have to worry about a roof over my head or food in my belly. Maybe sometime in the future it will be that simple. But I must never forget that I am an addict.
I know I need to take better care of myself. In a way I am by going to the doctors for my Blood pressure and high lipids and for depression. Recovery is about process, not perfection.
I will forever have your questions on my mind.
Love,
Randa
Forwarded Message:
Larry,
I loved your questions. I've want to go to a meeting tonight in 20 minutes, so I will think about it and response later. Great questions thought. Love, Randa
Subject: Re: IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS
Dear Sister Randa,
Randa, "What do you want to do" about all your problems . . .
Health issues,Work issues, Old Age, Mental Illness, Depression, Drug Rehabillation, Family problems?
Health: When will you start taking better care of your body?
Work: When will you find and hold a good job?
Old Age: What have you done to prepare yourself for old age?
Mental Illness: What makes you think you have a mental problem?
Depression: What will it take to make you not depressed?
Drug rehabillation: DONE! Good for you.
Family problems: Keep loving them, but they need to take care of themselves.
----- Original Message -----
From: Randa
Subject: RE: IMPOSSIBLE DREAMS
Dear Larry,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. But I believe I am too old to wait at a bus and trolley station to get to work. I believe that I am depressed and not in good enough health to get and keep a job right now.
I have very little energy. I have had a lifetime of mental illness and its time to use what energy I have left on these issues.
If I move to Washington, I still would have to pay off the CA ticket of $391.00 to get a license but before I could think about saving for a car. So, there goes the energy thing again.
Call me lazy if you'd like. call me depressed. while I tried not to think in a negative way, my body is acting depressed. I worry about my health in regards to my high blood pressure and lipids in my blood. I tried not to worry, but something is draining my energy level.
I tried working ever sense I have been here except this last month. When I did work, I was exhausted when I arrived home and had no ene HI RANDA,
I READ YOUR MESSAGE THAT WAS PASSED ON BY SHELLY.
I WANT TO COMPLIMENT YOU ON THE WAY YOU'RE HANDLING THIS PROBLEM WITH YOUR DAUGHTER . . . YOU ARE BECOMING STRONGER!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER? I WISH WE COULD OFFER TO TAKE HER INTO OUR HOME . . . THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE (PATTY AND I) DON'T REALLY HAVE A HOME ANYMORE, WE ARE LIVING WITH MY IN-LAWS NOW AND WILL BE LIVING WITH OUR SON LARRY STARTING JULY.
IF WE STILL LIVED IN THE LA JOLLA HOUSE . . . THEN THINGS COULD BE DIFFERENT? OF COURSE I WOULD ALWAYS NEED THE BACKING OF MY SWEET WIFE.
RANDA (LITTLE SISTER):
I BELIEVE YOU CAN LIVE WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK . . . AND NOT DRINK.
I BELIEVE YOU CAN LIVE WITH PEOPLE WHO SMOKE . . . AND NOT SMOKE
I BELIEVE YOU CAN LIVE WITH PEOPLE WHO DO
Edited by Administrator to protect privacy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
Sorry about the long attachment above. My brother, Larry said he wasn't done with the e-mail about the questions and saved it and it got sent anyway.
He took me to Soc Sec office to get info on my benefits and some info on disability. I don't know what is going to happen when I go to the East Co. Mental Health appt. They seem understanding and supportive. Perhaps I can get on a temp. disablilty. I was once dx as Bi-Polar..but I didn't believe it. I still don't believe that. I do know that something is wrong with me. I have no engery, don't sleep well and have trouble with concentration and learning.
I only know that I have a serious disease of addiction and some sort of mental-emotional issues that have been with me all my life. God bless everyone and thank you for being here at SR.
He took me to Soc Sec office to get info on my benefits and some info on disability. I don't know what is going to happen when I go to the East Co. Mental Health appt. They seem understanding and supportive. Perhaps I can get on a temp. disablilty. I was once dx as Bi-Polar..but I didn't believe it. I still don't believe that. I do know that something is wrong with me. I have no engery, don't sleep well and have trouble with concentration and learning.
I only know that I have a serious disease of addiction and some sort of mental-emotional issues that have been with me all my life. God bless everyone and thank you for being here at SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
Just an update from me; I am now seeing a pyschartist and receiving therapy and meds for my systoms....and applying for SDI..disability. The doctor...just did it w/o me really asking. Boy, I am so relieved..that I will be able to stay where I am at and attended my 2 meetings of NA a week at the house (Sober living). I am so beginning to feel the blessings and miracles in my life. I am feeling proud of myself and joy and happiness are here today. Love this site and everyone who posts and those who just visit. 
Love, Randa
Love, Randa
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