Want to work 12 Steps, but meetings don't help.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Want to work 12 Steps, but meetings don't help.
I have been a marajuana abuser for over 16 years. I have spent the vast majority of this time stoned. I would smoke when I woke up, continue throughout the day until bed, and even wake up in the middle of the night to get high. I was spending at least $1000 a month on my habbit. Of course it affected all aspects of my life and eventually lead toward the loss of my employment, loss of my wife of 11 years, bankruptcy, and attempted suicide. I think it is safe to say that my life had become unmanagable. I have been to treatment twice with little success and been hospitalized for depression twice as well. Over the last couple of years I have attended well over 100 NA meetings in hopes that this may help me. At one point I attended over 50 meetings in a row. I have shared in some meetings, have listened in others. For the most part I have found them to be not helpful at all. I don't really identify with most of the people at the meetings. They are all nice enough, but beyond having a drug problem, I don't really have much in common. Here is my question. I think that I could probably benifit from "working the 12 steps." I would at least like to give it a shot. However it has been my experience that a "sponsor" insists on regular meeting attendence in order to work together. I am just not willing to take over 2 hours out of my day, every day, to attend meetings that have just not proven helpful at all. There are only 24 hours in a day. At least 8 are spent sleeping, 9-10 spent working, and I like to make the best use of the remaining ones. I'm sure there are those who will say that I "just want to work my own program," or "am not willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean." Staying clean is really not an issue. I have been clean for over a month on my own. I finally reached a point in my life where I reconized what a mess I've made of everything and really have no desire to return to that life. The only place that life will lead me to is death. If I really want to kill myself, there are much faster and less painful ways to do it. However, I do feel that great emptiness in my life. I think the 12 steps my help teach me how to fill that void. NA says that it gives "suggestions" and that a person should "take what helps and leave the rest behind." It also says that the defination if insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Why must I attend meetings when they are of no help to me? I guess I wouldn't be opposed to going to 1-2 a week, but every day just isn't going to happen. If this is required to work the 12 steps then I guess I need to find another option. I would like to hear any advise or opinions anyone has. I'm at a point that I'm not sure what to do. I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post as that is certainly not my intention. I have posted this on both the NA board and Substance Abuse board. I hope that is not a problem. Thanks in advance for your advice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
For the most part I have found them to be not helpful at all. I don't really identify with most of the people at the meetings. They are all nice enough, but beyond having a drug problem, I don't really have much in common.
In my opinion... it's working the Steps that lifted me out of the muck.... and following the principles of the program.
In meetings... I relate to what people are doing around their addiction. It's like a mirror to me to see how the addiction is working in my life. That's how I relate.
An oldtimer said to me once... when I was lamenting once again that I just couldn't' "get it"....
"you'll stop using when the pain of using is greater than the pain of not using."
That statement made me look at just what I was giving up to use... and made me aware of how I lie to myself so that I don't have to face what's going on in my own head.
Spending time on this forum was a huge wakeup for me... as every aspect of the addictive personality is covered. Codependency is the root of all addiction... so if you can't deal with your addiction head on or in meetings... you might want to attack it from the side.. by understanding what is driving you to use in the first place.
You can be free.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
The only requirement is the desire to stop using.
Maybe you are not finding meetings helpful because your are looking at the differences, not the similarites to others in the room.
There is no requirement that says you have to go to a meeting everyday to work the steps with a sponsor. In my experience, every sponsor is differnt. I would suggest that you ask at meeting level if there is anyone in the room available for sponsorship. then meet with the person/people and discuss this with them. If I met you at a meeting and you told me all this, I would say okay do 2 meetings a week and we will start to work the steps and see how you feel after you get into working them.
Remember it is your recovery, a sponsor is just someone to guide you.
But understand that some sponsors have different requirements than others, so you may have to talk to different people. For me I suggest the amount of meetings depending on the person, their life, etc. I have a sponsee with 3 kids, asking her to attend a meeting everynight would overwhelm her between the kids, homework and all that stuff. What works for her is 2 meetings during the week that are in the day and 1 at night that her kids like to go to with her.
Everyone is different, dont' give up.
Maybe you are not finding meetings helpful because your are looking at the differences, not the similarites to others in the room.
There is no requirement that says you have to go to a meeting everyday to work the steps with a sponsor. In my experience, every sponsor is differnt. I would suggest that you ask at meeting level if there is anyone in the room available for sponsorship. then meet with the person/people and discuss this with them. If I met you at a meeting and you told me all this, I would say okay do 2 meetings a week and we will start to work the steps and see how you feel after you get into working them.
Remember it is your recovery, a sponsor is just someone to guide you.
But understand that some sponsors have different requirements than others, so you may have to talk to different people. For me I suggest the amount of meetings depending on the person, their life, etc. I have a sponsee with 3 kids, asking her to attend a meeting everynight would overwhelm her between the kids, homework and all that stuff. What works for her is 2 meetings during the week that are in the day and 1 at night that her kids like to go to with her.
Everyone is different, dont' give up.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Over the last couple of years I have attended well over 100 NA meetings in hopes that this may help me. At one point I attended over 50 meetings in a row. I have shared in some meetings, have listened in others. For the most part I have found them to be not helpful at all.
That emptiness you feel ..... just a shot in the dark here but it's self centered in nature.
If you want your emptiness to go away try helping someone else. Sponsorship isn't just about what the sponsee gets out of it, it's a 2 way street.
No offense intended...
Learning to love me.
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: on my way
Posts: 617
Tyler,
Hi I'm Roxann and I'm an addict. I am a mom of 2 young active boys, and married to a man who works 2 jobs so that I can afford to stay home with my boys. Going to a meeting everyday is absolutely impossible for me. I have it worked out so that I attend 2 meetings a week one week, and 3 a week the next. I go to the same meetings everytime, and one of them is my home group where my sponsor goes also. I also enjoy catching an online meeting here when I can, which isn't often.
ON the weeks I go to 2 meetings, my sponsor comes over here after I take my son to kindergarten and we read the Basic Text and work in the 12 Step Workbook. I call her everyday, and sometimes more than once. It's a good situation for both of us.
I'm sure that you can work something out that will work for you. Good luck Tyler.
Hi I'm Roxann and I'm an addict. I am a mom of 2 young active boys, and married to a man who works 2 jobs so that I can afford to stay home with my boys. Going to a meeting everyday is absolutely impossible for me. I have it worked out so that I attend 2 meetings a week one week, and 3 a week the next. I go to the same meetings everytime, and one of them is my home group where my sponsor goes also. I also enjoy catching an online meeting here when I can, which isn't often.
ON the weeks I go to 2 meetings, my sponsor comes over here after I take my son to kindergarten and we read the Basic Text and work in the 12 Step Workbook. I call her everyday, and sometimes more than once. It's a good situation for both of us.
I'm sure that you can work something out that will work for you. Good luck Tyler.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Originally Posted by tyler
I was spending at least $1000 a month on my habbit. Of course it affected all aspects of my life and eventually lead toward the loss of my employment, loss of my wife of 11 years, bankruptcy, and attempted suicide. I think it is safe to say that my life had become unmanagable.
I think that I could probably benifit from "working the 12 steps." I would at least like to give it a shot. However it has been my experience that a "sponsor" insists on regular meeting attendence in order to work together. I am just not willing to take over 2 hours out of my day, every day, to attend meetings that have just not proven helpful at all. There are only 24 hours in a day. At least 8 are spent sleeping, 9-10 spent working, and I like to make the best use of the remaining ones.
Why must I attend meetings when they are of no help to me? I guess I wouldn't be opposed to going to 1-2 a week, but every day just isn't going to happen. If this is required to work the 12 steps then I guess I need to find another option.
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Hey Tyler,
Long time pothead here too. Smoked 24/7, even waking up at night and smoking just to go back to sleep. As far as meetings and the steps, I'm just the opposite. I find them helpful to feel connected but don't have a clue what to do with the steps as a nontheist. Anyway, there's no reason why you can't work them. I believe there are workbooks and like others have said, sponsors vary as do meetings. There's also MA too, if it is in your area. Thanks for sharing.
Paul J (Day 2)
Long time pothead here too. Smoked 24/7, even waking up at night and smoking just to go back to sleep. As far as meetings and the steps, I'm just the opposite. I find them helpful to feel connected but don't have a clue what to do with the steps as a nontheist. Anyway, there's no reason why you can't work them. I believe there are workbooks and like others have said, sponsors vary as do meetings. There's also MA too, if it is in your area. Thanks for sharing.
Paul J (Day 2)
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Originally Posted by Gooch
doorknob .. Couldyou help me out with a definition for "nontheist"? I can't seem to find an entry in a dictionary.
Paul J (Working on day 3)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Way to go on day 3!
ok .. makes sense to me.. I do know many who attend 12 step fellowship meetings and work the steps who fit that description.. Some of them have helped me come to my own understanding of God. The important aspects of the God refered to in the steps is that it's a power greater than ourselves and that we are totally free to develop our own understanding and relationship with that ultimate reality that is comfortable for us.. You don't have to agree with my understanding or vice versa for "it" to work for us. The important thing is that we share the hope of freedom from addiction and our experiences coping with our emotions and challenges without dope.
I've taken aspects of many different theologies and quantum physics and combined them in a manner that works for me. Narcotics Anonymous is truly a spiritual not religious program. If you feel as though there is some interconnectedness between mattter and energy that may explain some of the "coincidental phenomena" that occurs in your life I would interpret that as spiritual enough to work the steps.
ok .. makes sense to me.. I do know many who attend 12 step fellowship meetings and work the steps who fit that description.. Some of them have helped me come to my own understanding of God. The important aspects of the God refered to in the steps is that it's a power greater than ourselves and that we are totally free to develop our own understanding and relationship with that ultimate reality that is comfortable for us.. You don't have to agree with my understanding or vice versa for "it" to work for us. The important thing is that we share the hope of freedom from addiction and our experiences coping with our emotions and challenges without dope.
I've taken aspects of many different theologies and quantum physics and combined them in a manner that works for me. Narcotics Anonymous is truly a spiritual not religious program. If you feel as though there is some interconnectedness between mattter and energy that may explain some of the "coincidental phenomena" that occurs in your life I would interpret that as spiritual enough to work the steps.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Tyler
I commend you on wanting to recover.
My suggestion would be to obtain some willingness.
Willingness to do things different this time
Willingness to do something that doesnt feel "comfortable"
Willingness to listen to others who have found peaceful sobriety
Willingess to do what those other do in order to obtain peaceful sobriety
Self-will is a power enemy in the fight of addition. Try giving yours to someone, something in exchance for a higher powers will...."HIS" will will guide you to that recovery that feels so good.
Good luck
I commend you on wanting to recover.
My suggestion would be to obtain some willingness.
Willingness to do things different this time
Willingness to do something that doesnt feel "comfortable"
Willingness to listen to others who have found peaceful sobriety
Willingess to do what those other do in order to obtain peaceful sobriety
Self-will is a power enemy in the fight of addition. Try giving yours to someone, something in exchance for a higher powers will...."HIS" will will guide you to that recovery that feels so good.
Good luck
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Thanks to everyone who replied. I appreciate your time and concern. I have discovered several 12-step alternatives which I think may be helpful. I think I will investigate these further. I am not going to get into specifics as this is an NA forum and I don't want to start yet another *issing contest about who's program is better. I have not given up on the 12-steps, I just think it may be time to look at some other options. Thanks again for everyone's opinions and suggestions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Sharing our experience, strength, and hope about what has worked for us in our recovery should never depend on promotimg our program of choice through bashing someone elses.
I appreciate the respect you demonstrate for Narcotics Anonymous.
Here's hoping you discover the combination that proves succesful for you.
I appreciate the respect you demonstrate for Narcotics Anonymous.
Here's hoping you discover the combination that proves succesful for you.
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
I think that I could probably benifit from "working the 12 steps." I would at least like to give it a shot. However it has been my experience that a "sponsor" insists on regular meeting attendence in order to work together. I am just not willing to take over 2 hours out of my day, every day, to attend meetings that have just not proven helpful at all. There are only 24 hours in a day. At least 8 are spent sleeping, 9-10 spent working, and I like to make the best use of the remaining ones.
When I went to meetings I couldn't figure out things either, so I learned to ask the ones I could Identify with, there has to be someone. NA is about Recovery, not about what we used. Although we do find these things out, sometimes too much information about the using and not about the 12 steps, in my opinion. But all in all, there is someone usually that we can identify with in NA, and we can learn something from them, if we really want help, we can get that help. 1 month is awesome, by yourself is wonderful, That how you got to this point in your life in the first place. I really hope you can work through the denial in your life and believe this process can do for you what it has for many of us who live it. Those couple of hours that are so worth not f*ckin up to learn how to live, I hope you love them and can enjoy them, those are the hours that got me to having to work the 12 steps in the first place, to learn a New Way to Live....
Todd J.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: a spiritual vortex, Colorado
Posts: 844
hee heee
damn if i don't find us to be the wackiest bunch o' folk- coudn't DREAM up our various characters!!!
evertime i'm sure i've heard the last possible reason to NOT surrender, get willing, get honest etc A brand new shiny rationale pops up. I love it!!!!!
me? i'm back to basics -step one, lots of meetings, work w/ others, meditation and prayer to the gawd of my missunderstanding cause i had a real genuine scare recently and i have been watching old timers falling out of this and two are now recently deceased and so i know that MY disease will kill me.
And i know that i have been on that spiritual ride which gooch and others have alluded to, and i know that that is when i have been ALIVE - truly ALIVE!
OH yeh- and my ol sponsor KS is back in .
So
its all about learning to love myself. And sometimes my silly ol brain is the biggest obstacle to that.
mackat
damn if i don't find us to be the wackiest bunch o' folk- coudn't DREAM up our various characters!!!
evertime i'm sure i've heard the last possible reason to NOT surrender, get willing, get honest etc A brand new shiny rationale pops up. I love it!!!!!
me? i'm back to basics -step one, lots of meetings, work w/ others, meditation and prayer to the gawd of my missunderstanding cause i had a real genuine scare recently and i have been watching old timers falling out of this and two are now recently deceased and so i know that MY disease will kill me.
And i know that i have been on that spiritual ride which gooch and others have alluded to, and i know that that is when i have been ALIVE - truly ALIVE!
OH yeh- and my ol sponsor KS is back in .
So
its all about learning to love myself. And sometimes my silly ol brain is the biggest obstacle to that.
mackat
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: a spiritual vortex, Colorado
Posts: 844
Good to see you Todd, Gooch!!!!! much luv!!!!!
life has been eventful-maybe get it together to do a thread update. Suffice it to say that besides Hunter S. T. spreading his brains all over his room just up the road from me , we have had 2 OD deaths in the last month in our rooms.
both of em guys who at times really seemed to have a hold of recovery.[D's 5 yr ol son asks "is heaven close enough so's i can visit my dad?"...gulp]
So once again i am eye ball to eye ball with my disease.
Cause i know that left to my own devices, i was just as self centered as to forget that anyone else existed but me and my pain.
When i realize what i would have missed by checkin out back then.....
whew
hugs to all
mackat
life has been eventful-maybe get it together to do a thread update. Suffice it to say that besides Hunter S. T. spreading his brains all over his room just up the road from me , we have had 2 OD deaths in the last month in our rooms.
both of em guys who at times really seemed to have a hold of recovery.[D's 5 yr ol son asks "is heaven close enough so's i can visit my dad?"...gulp]
So once again i am eye ball to eye ball with my disease.
Cause i know that left to my own devices, i was just as self centered as to forget that anyone else existed but me and my pain.
When i realize what i would have missed by checkin out back then.....
whew
hugs to all
mackat
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