Heather1222

I have been sober 5 months from drugs and alcohol. I have met some great people in the program and of all those people i really clicked with this girl named Irene. We have gone to meetings together, gone to the mall, etc. and we talked almost every day. She stopped calling me about a month ago and would only call me when she needed something like a ride or to ask me to borrow money. Now of course being an addict myself I kind of thought this was odd so I asked her if she was still sober. She said yes, not to worry about her and would rush off the phone. Well now she is calling alot and asking for money, etc and even though I have said no I feel terrible. Her mother called me this morning looking for her and thats when i found out she is back out there using. How do I deal with this when she calls? Do I tell her not to call anymore??? I am so new in sobriety myself that I dont want to jeopardize myself. If anyone has some advice it would be greatly appreciated!

Time2Surrender

Heather,first of all I am glad you are going to meetings.Do you have a sponsor yet? This is really an important part of the program.Now this is just my opinion.Save your own ass first! Your new she is not clean and calling you for money? No,I would tell her politely that you would prefer she doesnt call back anymore until she is ready to get real and be honest with herself and you too.She is trying to use you and decieve you.You never know,she could even take you back out there with her.I see it all the time.The fellowship in the program is very important to me.All my friends are from AA/NA.And I have many friends.Stick with the winners.Your early in recovery,try to hang with people who have some cleantime under their belt.People who are working a program and have it together.Stay away from your friend and pray for her.Hopefully she will get it someday.

Moontime

Hi! Heather, I'm moon and im an addict. Great suggestions by Time2Surrender, I would do all of them. Suggestions/directions from your sponsor are vital in this situation. For me my sponsor reminds me time and time again, I can only help people in that meeting. I'm not chasing after anyone, I'm not lending any money to people. Heck if they're still using, I will not visit/see/talk in person with the active addict, unless I have an another recovering addict with me. When an active addict asked me for money and I knew he was using, my sponsor asked why would I help kill another addict? This disease wants to kill me, you and all addicts, I would just be pulling the trigger for them by giving them money. I was pissed when my sponsor put it like that, but it's true.

Heather1222

Thank you both for your advice. I did talk to my sponsor and she told me I can't lend her money or chase after her, but i can talk to her if i want to. But i can not put her sobriety before my own. I am off to a meeting! Thanks to you both!

hopeful2day

Heather,
I remember watching my dear friends from rehab fall back into addiction, one by one in the months after we got out. It was hard. I would get calls in the middle of the night from people who were quite loaded. The above advice is very good. Invariably, the ones who were relapsing were the ones who were not working the steps. Step 1-3 only last so long. It is possible to learn from the mistakes of others without making those mistakes ourselves. Those that fall away also carry a powerful message: addiction is still their waiting for us if we pick up a drink or drug.

lafever chris

Don`t use, keep it simple, thats the best thing you can do to help her. Show her that your staying clean, the only whay she`ll believe maybe is if you do.

chris

Heather1222

Thanks everyone. I am proud to have 6 months April 7th!

lafever chris

So is mine.


chris

Recoveree

Next time she calls, tell her you cannot give her any money but you would be glad to sit with her at an NA meeting. The rest is up to her.

Richie

C CHARLES

Remenber That The Only Thing That Someone That Is Getting High Can Do For You Is Get You High First. You Are Weak Yourself. How Can You Help Someone Else When Your Just Learning To Help You. Remenber The First Year Is Your Hardest. Stay Away From Sticky People,places And Things.self Comes First.

Heather1222

Thank you all for such great insight. I am so grateful to have found this website. To update you all, my friends mom called me a couple days ago to ask me if I knew where Her daughter was-AGAIN. She also told me she definitely relapsed months ago but didnt want anyone to know because she was embarassed. She is out there and all I can do is pray for her. I am just glad the phone calls have ended and if she is lucky she will find her way back into the program.

Time2Surrender

Hi Heather.Glad to see you back again.Sorry to hear about your friend.Hopefully she will find her way back someday.

mackat

heather

thanks for your thread- great to hear of your recovery- being willing to ask questions and to take suggestions from those who have 'been there done that'- that is HUGE!!!!

I have been told that i can carry the message, that i can't carry the addict-

recently i lost two friends to this disease. Both died after they had been in the rooms for a while. One was a guy who i had sponsored briefly- Just as in your situation, it is difficult to get my brain to shut up and let go. We had several meetings around our responsibilities to our fellow addicts. bottom line was just what these other folk have been posting. we carry the message. we cannot carry the addict. This is about YOUR life. This disease kills. Today, you and i do not HAVE to use.
our groups have the "moment of silence for addicts who are suffering" This is the time is where i reopen my compassion, to remember where i came from.
And to remember that i am of no use to anyone if i go back out
big hugs
mackat

WNY Addict

I'm going through similar crap with a family member right now (my uncle who's 20 years older than me).

All you can do is keep your recovery first (don't pick up), share your experience-strength-hope, and maybe offer to take her to meetings. Money is a no-no... but I think you know that

The therapuetic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. That often starts by just being a power of example.

Heather1222

Thank you everyone. And mackat, what you said about carrying the message and not the addict is SO true. I never thought of it that way. I really appreciate everyones advice. Have a great day!