I Want To Use!!!!!
still moment by moment
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: on my way back to me
Posts: 83
I Want To Use!!!!!
I am seriously, seriously considering a short, well planned relapse into hyrdocodone land. WTF???? I can't believe it. Like I am forgetting what I have been through and what hell it was to get off? And what hell it was to be on. I have heard that once the thoughts start rolling around in your head you have lost the battle. I hope not - because I have had the thoughts everyday during the last 33 days that I have been straight.
I am thinking. Well, i just got that big fat federal tax refund. What if I just spent a smidgen... For what? Old time's sake? What am I thinking? Am I going to be using forever? Sometimes I think... well... I have more time to quit.
I used to be so much smarter. I can't believe that I am so close to the edge right now.
Cross your fingers for me. I am trying still. But what a battle!!!!!!!!
I am thinking. Well, i just got that big fat federal tax refund. What if I just spent a smidgen... For what? Old time's sake? What am I thinking? Am I going to be using forever? Sometimes I think... well... I have more time to quit.
I used to be so much smarter. I can't believe that I am so close to the edge right now.
Cross your fingers for me. I am trying still. But what a battle!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
What's gonna get better if you do?
I mean, aside from getting high and feeling good, what's going to change?
Battle lost 'cause you have using thoughts?
Doesn't have to be. Not one bit.
But it might be time to examine a few things.
Like... How much of this dependancy on chemicals do you accept?
And how much denial about having a problem still exists in your heart and mind.
You don't have to use.
You don't need to use.
But you gotta focus.
I mean, aside from getting high and feeling good, what's going to change?
Battle lost 'cause you have using thoughts?
Doesn't have to be. Not one bit.
But it might be time to examine a few things.
Like... How much of this dependancy on chemicals do you accept?
And how much denial about having a problem still exists in your heart and mind.
You don't have to use.
You don't need to use.
But you gotta focus.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Im glad you are posting this before you use instead of after.Are you involved in NA? Insanity is making the same mistakes over and over expecting different results.You know nothing will be different this time.Allthough it could be worse.You may not even make it back.I had a girlfriend whos mother was a school teacher and addicted to Oxy-Contin.She finally died on the stuff.It can happen to anyone.Just keep thinking about how things were right before you got clean.It can only get worse cause I can assure you it wont be any better.Im sure if you sit down you could probably make a list of ways to spend your refund that would be a lot better.
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
That battle between ego and spirit....our bodies are weak , our spirit is strong, draw on that strength!!!! The one you feed wins the battle, you've come this far!!!!!Awesome and the fact that you are sharing about it takes some of it's power away! I don't believe we lose the battle until we are dead, this disease is devillish and he's trying hard to succer you in, beat the crap outta him!!!!! I have faith in you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
You want to use...I want a Tanqueray&Tonic...I've played the tape to the end and know what will happen, so I don't drink...not because I am that strong, or that smart, but because I know what to do when all other tools aren't helping...it's real simple...I talk to God..."God, I don't know what is going on right now, why I want a drink so bad when things have been so good, but regardless of why I want one, I do. Please help me not drink...and thanks."
At least for me, it is just that simple...not easy, but simple.
BubbaBob
At least for me, it is just that simple...not easy, but simple.
BubbaBob
still moment by moment
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: on my way back to me
Posts: 83
You know - sharing it DOES take some of the power away. I just noticed that I missed the 12 noon meeting that I sometimes go to. Bummer. I should have gone.
I am not in denial exactly - I KNOW I have a problem. What I don't really understand is how serious it is. Sometimes I know that it is - but sometimes the disease tricks my brain into thinking that it wasn't that bad. I haven't really accepted that I'm sick I guess. I guess I still think that somehow now that I am not using - that the whole problem will go away and just take care of itself. OR that it isn't THAT big of a deal and that I could still use for fun once in a while..... DUH!!
I go to meetings several times a week. (someone told me that wasn't enough - that I should go every day.) I am not in therapy - no good reason why - just haven't got around to it I guess. I think I need to do more though, because I do NOT have this whole recovery thing down.
I appreciate your help very much.
I stopped because I felt like it was time and because I stumbled into help from a good doctor that really helped with the horrible detox. Sometimes I don't know if I really want to quit. I mean I want to, but I don't want it to be hard I guess. I want to not want it anymore (THEN... I'll quit.)
Actually THAT IS IT. - I keep thinking that maybe it will be easier to quit LATER. HA, when I put that in writing it seems really pretty stupid. Like it is going to get any easier. I already have 30 some days straight. I think though sometimes - that I'll really be ready later on. Like I'm not quite ready.
My life isn't going to be better - I know that - but I'll just feel really good for a little while.... And it will be easier to do all that regular stuff I had to do everyday. But all that is stupid.
I'm going to write down all the bad stuff that comes with using and maybe keep it for easy re-reading when I get ancy again.
Thanks guys.
Erin
I am not in denial exactly - I KNOW I have a problem. What I don't really understand is how serious it is. Sometimes I know that it is - but sometimes the disease tricks my brain into thinking that it wasn't that bad. I haven't really accepted that I'm sick I guess. I guess I still think that somehow now that I am not using - that the whole problem will go away and just take care of itself. OR that it isn't THAT big of a deal and that I could still use for fun once in a while..... DUH!!
I go to meetings several times a week. (someone told me that wasn't enough - that I should go every day.) I am not in therapy - no good reason why - just haven't got around to it I guess. I think I need to do more though, because I do NOT have this whole recovery thing down.
I appreciate your help very much.
I stopped because I felt like it was time and because I stumbled into help from a good doctor that really helped with the horrible detox. Sometimes I don't know if I really want to quit. I mean I want to, but I don't want it to be hard I guess. I want to not want it anymore (THEN... I'll quit.)
Actually THAT IS IT. - I keep thinking that maybe it will be easier to quit LATER. HA, when I put that in writing it seems really pretty stupid. Like it is going to get any easier. I already have 30 some days straight. I think though sometimes - that I'll really be ready later on. Like I'm not quite ready.
My life isn't going to be better - I know that - but I'll just feel really good for a little while.... And it will be easier to do all that regular stuff I had to do everyday. But all that is stupid.
I'm going to write down all the bad stuff that comes with using and maybe keep it for easy re-reading when I get ancy again.
Thanks guys.
Erin
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Erin,Im glad to hear you are going to meetings.Do you have a sponsor yet? Make that list you were talking about.Get to a meeting tonight.Staying clean and sober when you are having these cravings and urges will make you that much stronger when they come around again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Akron, Ohio
Posts: 94
I know how you feel. I have 36 days sober today and for the past week, my brain has been telling me, "Just drink one night. Get good and wasted and then the next day, you can start sobriety again." I hate it! I have the same thoughts sometimes about having a few more relapses before I'm so far gone I can't drink anymore. I think I'm still young and have at least 10 more "good" drinking years before I really screw up my life. It's just our sick brains telling us things. We know we are sick, we are alcoholics/addicts and our lives are unmanageable while drinking/using, so why do we still get these thoughts? Well, I'm going to hit an AA meeting in about 15 minutes, so hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Erin, Those thoughts of using are a part of recovery. Why wouldn't it be? For myself anyway it was my life for years. Although they get further apart, I still get urges after almost 2 years. I've also heard of others with longer sobriety talk of them. You can't control that part of your mind, that out of habit, will seek the false relief it always did. The difference now is how I act on these thoughts. Thinking won't get you high unless you let it build. Already you are taking action against these thoughts by speaking out. I can tell you my experence when I didn't take the correct action. During the 80's I had put 5 years together. About year 4, I started having more than normal thoughts of drinking. In silence I fought these for about a year and a half. I had made sure to keep myself in places I couldn't act on these urges. I met this woman, and little by little I exposed myself to drinking. She didn't drink but, some friends of her's did. Then we were going to get married. Then someone rented a Limo that was going to have champagne. For 2 months all I could think of was that bottle.
While in the Limo, someone poured some into small glasses. I took a sip, nothing happend. I swallowed the rest turned to get some more. Her maid of honor, decided the glasses were to small and poured the rest into a water glass and drank it. I wanted to kill her. I was off to the races for 20 more years. Don't go that route, Please, give yourself a break and fight the urges. Don W
While in the Limo, someone poured some into small glasses. I took a sip, nothing happend. I swallowed the rest turned to get some more. Her maid of honor, decided the glasses were to small and poured the rest into a water glass and drank it. I wanted to kill her. I was off to the races for 20 more years. Don't go that route, Please, give yourself a break and fight the urges. Don W
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: COLORADO
Posts: 3
You mean...your 30+ days sober and dont have it all figured out yet?? OMG ...I'm TOTALLY screwed! I'm coming up on 19 years and dont have it totally figured out! This is not a math problem or some simple equation, this is life, and life is FAR from simple.
First, give yourself a bit of a break. Really, you need some credit for getting this far. Sure, youre in a bad place, but you CAN get out. You are smarter, stronger and have more control then you are giving yourself credit for. Get to a meeting if that works. Get out of the house, say the serenity prayer, go for a run, pace the house saying one word with each step, focus on your breathing, feel LIFE moving through your body.... I've done these and so many more when I was in trouble. Try to change your focus.
I use the fact that I would loose so much if I relapse. I would loose a life I have worked very hard to get. This did not work at first. At first, I used the words 'You'll never make it...you cant live without your drugs!' which was what a "friend" told me when I first got straight. He PISSED me off so bad, I vowed there and then to make him wrong! He called me weak, I proved I am strong. ...not that I always feel this way.
but that's for another time.
Embrace your strength! You are strong and smart and deserve health and drug free happiness!!
Stay clean
gbz549
First, give yourself a bit of a break. Really, you need some credit for getting this far. Sure, youre in a bad place, but you CAN get out. You are smarter, stronger and have more control then you are giving yourself credit for. Get to a meeting if that works. Get out of the house, say the serenity prayer, go for a run, pace the house saying one word with each step, focus on your breathing, feel LIFE moving through your body.... I've done these and so many more when I was in trouble. Try to change your focus.
I use the fact that I would loose so much if I relapse. I would loose a life I have worked very hard to get. This did not work at first. At first, I used the words 'You'll never make it...you cant live without your drugs!' which was what a "friend" told me when I first got straight. He PISSED me off so bad, I vowed there and then to make him wrong! He called me weak, I proved I am strong. ...not that I always feel this way.
but that's for another time.
Embrace your strength! You are strong and smart and deserve health and drug free happiness!!
Stay clean
gbz549
Jeri N
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Abita Springs, LA
Posts: 24
Hi Erin,
Just browsing posts and wanted to thank you for your honesty. I have seen first hand what hydrocodone, etc. etc. does to a person's life. I am in recovery 5 years from drugs and alcohol. I have been married for 24 years to a HC addict. He has attempted recovery many times and his disease still has him fooled into thinking that it "isn't that bad". It also has him believing that he is somehow "unique". The Big Book calls it "terminally unique". It's great that you can take some of it's power away by talking about your thoughts here. The alcoholic/addict in me has even said "hey, maybe you should try the HC and escape some of the s**t you are going through". What insanity? We have been separated this time for 6 mths, will probably lose our home, he doesn't see our children and is most likely very close to death from this disease. He loses hours, days. He doesn't remember anything. He has used every friend and family member we have. It has to be hell. I remember going through the same thoughts and feelings many times. IT IS HARD. I can say today, though, that my sobriety is well worth the struggle and that my HP makes my struggle and my burdens much lighter. I like the advice already given. Play the tape all the way through, get to a meeting, read the Big Book or the NA Basic text. Feed your recovery. It won't ever go completely away, but it will get way better. I still want to escape sometimes. But I don't. I experience life as it is, do what I can to change what I can and surrender to God for the rest. Don't let this disease fool you into believing that you'll get clean "later". My AH almost died last year during detox. He refused to get medical help and had a sponsor detox him. He lied to his sponsor and did not tell him he was shooting up. He had convulsions and seizures during detox and easily could have died. Active addiction is a slow, progressive death No matter what the disease tells us. I am praying for you now. Feel it, share it and let it go. You can do it.
Just browsing posts and wanted to thank you for your honesty. I have seen first hand what hydrocodone, etc. etc. does to a person's life. I am in recovery 5 years from drugs and alcohol. I have been married for 24 years to a HC addict. He has attempted recovery many times and his disease still has him fooled into thinking that it "isn't that bad". It also has him believing that he is somehow "unique". The Big Book calls it "terminally unique". It's great that you can take some of it's power away by talking about your thoughts here. The alcoholic/addict in me has even said "hey, maybe you should try the HC and escape some of the s**t you are going through". What insanity? We have been separated this time for 6 mths, will probably lose our home, he doesn't see our children and is most likely very close to death from this disease. He loses hours, days. He doesn't remember anything. He has used every friend and family member we have. It has to be hell. I remember going through the same thoughts and feelings many times. IT IS HARD. I can say today, though, that my sobriety is well worth the struggle and that my HP makes my struggle and my burdens much lighter. I like the advice already given. Play the tape all the way through, get to a meeting, read the Big Book or the NA Basic text. Feed your recovery. It won't ever go completely away, but it will get way better. I still want to escape sometimes. But I don't. I experience life as it is, do what I can to change what I can and surrender to God for the rest. Don't let this disease fool you into believing that you'll get clean "later". My AH almost died last year during detox. He refused to get medical help and had a sponsor detox him. He lied to his sponsor and did not tell him he was shooting up. He had convulsions and seizures during detox and easily could have died. Active addiction is a slow, progressive death No matter what the disease tells us. I am praying for you now. Feel it, share it and let it go. You can do it.
still moment by moment
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: on my way back to me
Posts: 83
I still don't know what I am doing
I am still clean, and still crabby. I was so crabby on Friday night in fact, that my poor husband thought I was using. I told him - Nooooooo this isn't me using... this is me NOT using. I actually told him that I was a better wife/mother when I was using.
He just burst out laughing. I couldn't help but smile at how incredibly stupid that statement was.
I wonder why my poor husband gets all my crap. I am pissed at myself or nothing really - so I turn on him. He's smart though - he told me that as long as I don't use, I will get better.
Chrisman - thanks for the prayer - I think it helped.
I didn't know what else to do all weekend, so I just prayed and prayed. I prayed that God would help me figure a way out of this hole I was in AND that he would help stop me from being such a complete bitch.
I missed my noon meeting today again already and I need to make sure I get there. Missing meetings makes my problem seem like it is more under control than it is.
So thanks everyone. I have made it over this hump. Thanks for listening. I made it all weekend crabby but straight. I don't feel so crabby today and I am still straight.
So there!
He just burst out laughing. I couldn't help but smile at how incredibly stupid that statement was.
I wonder why my poor husband gets all my crap. I am pissed at myself or nothing really - so I turn on him. He's smart though - he told me that as long as I don't use, I will get better.
Chrisman - thanks for the prayer - I think it helped.
I didn't know what else to do all weekend, so I just prayed and prayed. I prayed that God would help me figure a way out of this hole I was in AND that he would help stop me from being such a complete bitch.
I missed my noon meeting today again already and I need to make sure I get there. Missing meetings makes my problem seem like it is more under control than it is.
So thanks everyone. I have made it over this hump. Thanks for listening. I made it all weekend crabby but straight. I don't feel so crabby today and I am still straight.
So there!
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