On the Science of Happiness
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On the Science of Happiness
From The Times Magazine, 26th February 2005.
Dr Feelgood
On The Science Of Happiness.
If our attempts to please others by our actions lead us to neglect our true values and strengths, we can pull ourselves badly off course and thereby jeopardise our own wellbeing. This thought is related to last week’s proposition that shyness and showing-off were two sides of the same coin, both reflecting an over-anxiety about what other people might think of us. While the shy person adopts the strategy of keeping out of the limelight, the show-off thinks they have to shine in it. This week, I suggest that when we are so eager to please that we don’t care what it costs out heart and soul, we’re making a similar strategic error.
The person we’re trying to please might be a much loved parent, alive or dead, and our behaviour will most likely be workaholic, as we strive to measure up to some impossible yardstick. Whatever form it takes, there are few lives that haven’t experienced such an episode, in which we were dutifully doing what someone else wanted, rather than what would have felt right, and we made ourselves unhappy and ill by our misjudged appeasement.
One manifestation of what I’m describing was termed “the disease to please” by American psychotherapist Dr Harriet Braiker, who shrewdly discerned the self defeating fear of confrontation that was driving some people’s smiling subservience to everyone else’s wishes. But, in my experience, our motivation can equally be the fear of being ignored or rejected, so we set out to do whatever we think might make the other person love us, or at least win their nod of approval. Yet someone else’s approval or pride in our achievements are not true signs of their caring, not if they disregard our essential make-up. Genuine, selfless love only wants us to be happy and to progress, and the best way that each of us can do that is to help our skills, experiences and passions work harmoniously. When we are respectful of ourselves like this, it’s as if we’re hitting a ball in just the right place on the racket. That “sweet spot” reflects the idiosyncratic mix of strengths that are born of both our joys and adversities, and we play at our best when we are true to them.
Doing so is all about recognising the intrinsic value of fostering our own profound happiness on account of it being the most fertile source of positive energy, productivity, open-mindedness, physical health and goodwill. If we appreciate that happiness can only be a product of positive actions but also their initiator, we can see that our lasting happiness is not to be sacrificed for someone else’s selfish, aggressive, or misguided demands on us.
Giving of oneself to bring joy to another is one of life’s great pleasures, but such actions should nourish the giver just as much as they would benefit the receiver. This would explain why the Harvard Study of Adult Development found that personally satisfying altruism was one of the hallmarks of the most healthy, happy and accomplished lives. However, such altruism should not be confused with the urge to self-sacrifice that comes from a shortage of self-worth. If we wish to be a force for good, we must be good to ourselves first of all. The more we can recognise and respect our own centre and sources of wellbeing, the more we will respect those of the people around us.
Dr Feelgood
On The Science Of Happiness.
If our attempts to please others by our actions lead us to neglect our true values and strengths, we can pull ourselves badly off course and thereby jeopardise our own wellbeing. This thought is related to last week’s proposition that shyness and showing-off were two sides of the same coin, both reflecting an over-anxiety about what other people might think of us. While the shy person adopts the strategy of keeping out of the limelight, the show-off thinks they have to shine in it. This week, I suggest that when we are so eager to please that we don’t care what it costs out heart and soul, we’re making a similar strategic error.
The person we’re trying to please might be a much loved parent, alive or dead, and our behaviour will most likely be workaholic, as we strive to measure up to some impossible yardstick. Whatever form it takes, there are few lives that haven’t experienced such an episode, in which we were dutifully doing what someone else wanted, rather than what would have felt right, and we made ourselves unhappy and ill by our misjudged appeasement.
One manifestation of what I’m describing was termed “the disease to please” by American psychotherapist Dr Harriet Braiker, who shrewdly discerned the self defeating fear of confrontation that was driving some people’s smiling subservience to everyone else’s wishes. But, in my experience, our motivation can equally be the fear of being ignored or rejected, so we set out to do whatever we think might make the other person love us, or at least win their nod of approval. Yet someone else’s approval or pride in our achievements are not true signs of their caring, not if they disregard our essential make-up. Genuine, selfless love only wants us to be happy and to progress, and the best way that each of us can do that is to help our skills, experiences and passions work harmoniously. When we are respectful of ourselves like this, it’s as if we’re hitting a ball in just the right place on the racket. That “sweet spot” reflects the idiosyncratic mix of strengths that are born of both our joys and adversities, and we play at our best when we are true to them.
Doing so is all about recognising the intrinsic value of fostering our own profound happiness on account of it being the most fertile source of positive energy, productivity, open-mindedness, physical health and goodwill. If we appreciate that happiness can only be a product of positive actions but also their initiator, we can see that our lasting happiness is not to be sacrificed for someone else’s selfish, aggressive, or misguided demands on us.
Giving of oneself to bring joy to another is one of life’s great pleasures, but such actions should nourish the giver just as much as they would benefit the receiver. This would explain why the Harvard Study of Adult Development found that personally satisfying altruism was one of the hallmarks of the most healthy, happy and accomplished lives. However, such altruism should not be confused with the urge to self-sacrifice that comes from a shortage of self-worth. If we wish to be a force for good, we must be good to ourselves first of all. The more we can recognise and respect our own centre and sources of wellbeing, the more we will respect those of the people around us.
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