erino134

All these things that I have heard and read make more and more sense as I get more days under my belt.

When I started on suboxone to free myself of the intense physical dependency on vicodin I felt amazing. I couldn't believe it - I was free from those pills and I hardly felt bad at all. The first week I just walked around with a clear head feeling free and amazed that I wasn't tied so desparately to those drugs. After the first week I even worked up the courage to flush my secret, secret stash.

My doctor kept telling me I had to go to meetings, I had to go to meetings, and I really didn't want to. I wanted to get on with my life and have this problem be over. I was perfectly happy... so it seemed.

Well, now it has been 3 weeks.

I'm starting to forget already how bad it was. I'm starting to forget that it was ruining my life. Odd isn't it. I am also beginning to think about using again. I'm not having those cravings like I used to, more of an "idea" about using again. "Like wouldn't it be good to get rid of this headache today so I can get my housework done..."

Interesting. I am going to meetings now.

It is happening just like all those people said it did for them..... How they went through it several times before they really accepted that they had to stay stopped forever.

Maybe I really should listen and take notes from all these stories. Maybe I could go into recovery NOW and stay there instead of going through this cycle for another 10 years and losing more self respect, maybe my family, etc.

Maybe I really should just get it right the first time.

I don't know, still so undecided. BUT, so much of what people have told me is coming true. Like they really do know what the heck they are talking about. How about that!!!

What a bummer that they were so right. I miss my drugs so much sometimes.... I find that I have to listen to them because I know in my heart that if I don't - I'm going to be a big bad mess.

Such a battle - sometimes hourly huh.

Wood Faerie

One thing you said struck me - "Maybe I really should just get it right the first time." Like most of us, you are being pretty tough on yourself. We strive for progress, not perfection. Sounds to me like you ARE making progress. You are having a rough time, and you are posting about it. You are being honest in sharing your cravings, and that can help take the power away from them. You are going to meetings - YAY!!! Sounds like you are suiting up and showing up, whether you completely feel like it or not. And that is progress. Keep doing it! Things will get better than you ever imagined!

ChrisMan

Erino,

Glad to know you are going to meetings and posting here. For me, maintaining that connection is so very important for my own sobriety.

Stay sober, buddy, and good to hear from you!

ChrisMan

hopeful2day

Erin,
I could easily have written the same words, and probably should have. How quickly we forget the pain of addiction and the the hell of withdrawal. It is scary-weird.
No hydrocodone today; I can do that.

Evanna

Hey Erino,
It is normal to have cravings. It is normal to miss your drugs. It is a grieving process. The important thing here is what you do to keep you safe. You have listened and made the decision to go to meetings. That is great. Through NA you can realise all you can be.

Warmest wishes
Evanna.

Anna

Hi Erino,

It sounds like you're learning a lot. And, lots of us don't get it right the first time, including me. But, maybe you can do this.

Anna

Jane63

Hey Erino,
I really can relate to your post! I'm pretty sure by now that I got it right the first time {been 7-months now off Vicoden} and sounds like you are well on your way to that as well!
Yes, the "honeymoon" might be over, but we can still pat ourselves on the back each day that we are one more day without putting drugs into our systems and that we were strong enough to stop!
Keep hangin' in there!
Jane