cleanandhappy

I have been clean for 1 year on January 19,2005. But I am depressed when i think about all the things that have gone on in the past year. I am in a Court appoint program who limits the things i can do. I can move around go to different places no probation.... But the program is forcing me to look at myself and i really don't like what i see. I like the program it gives me structure. But when i really think about what is actually going on in my life it sucks. I rarely have the thoughts of using. Alot of times I get depressed and tend to want to go and seclude myself from others. For example I had a Miscarriage a few weeks ago. My boyfriend lives in another City over 200 miles away so i had to go through by myself. I am still trying to get through this. He says we can keep trying. I look at this I am 36 he is 45 we are running out of time. Also I am looking at this as in the past 2 years i have messed everything up know one positive thing that i have done i have screwed it up also. I can't get past it. I am afraid that my thouhts of being angry will change to wanting to use. In the court program i am in if i use i will go to prison for a few years. I am so confused and so scared that working my program is taking second fiddle to my recovery . In a sense i am secluding my self from people and not reaching out for help. WELL TODAY I AM REACHING OUT FOR SOME HELP AND FOR SOME ADVICE...

CAPTAINZING2000

Quick Q. Kind Of Wondering About Having A Child With A B/f Living Far Away.

First Things First, I'd Get Thru The Court Crap First. You Need To Get Past The Thoughts Of Using Alltogether. This Will Come In Time. Play The Tape Over In Your Mind U Use U Lose. Drugs And Alcohol Will Take Everything You Love Away From You.


Don't Isolate, It's Good That You Shared On Here. Have You Got A Good Sponser You Can Open Up To?

Paulie

Hi, first let me say I am sorry for your loss. Give yourself time to grieve.

Now I am confused about the above quote. Working your program is not part of your recovery? Why dont' you use the court mandated program to your advantage, use every resource offered to you. Do you have a sponsor? working the steps will help alot with the guilt that you feel. I know I have been there.

When I was in rehab I had so much quilt over things I had done when using. I made a big sign and hung it over my bed so it was the first thing I saw each morning when I work up. It said
IT JUST HAPPENED!
That is what my first sponsor in the program told. The things that I did while using are things that happened, they are not who I am as a person.

Give yourself a break, be proud of the year you have stayed clean.

cleanandhappy

I Have A Great Sponser I Think I Drive Her Crazy But She Is Always There For Me Thanks Againg

cleanandhappy

Thank You For The Incouragement. You Know It Is Hard When You Go Through And You Try To Do It Yourself But I Am Learning How To Allow People To Help Me And Reach Out Thanks Again.

Paulie

Trust me when I tell you, that you may drive her crazy, but you are helping her more than she is helping you when you open up with your struggles.

You can get through this.

In memory of miracle

I too am sorry for your loss and naturally you are depressed about it.I also haveto fight the urge to isolate when I get down.Once I stopped using and drinking it became all about changing my behaviors and attitudes.Not easy some days,but very much worth it.There always comes growth for me after a tough time.You say you cant do anything right ? Well you have been clean for a year ! I am sure you have come a long way.Like Paulie said,you are in a safe place right now,take advantage of it,it sounds like you are learning some very important,key things about yourself right now.It will serve you well when its time for you to leave.Welcome and thank-you for sharing with us.
Bless.Trish

deadflag

i agree with some of the other things posted - in addition i would say hang on to anyone you can in the fellowship-i used to just annoy the hell out of people at 18 months because i was so depresssed and had some loss to deal with but through trial and error i found a few people to hold me up- hitting several meetings a day didnt hurt either- getting out the venom of depression was good for me - maybe it can help you-

WNY Addict

You have to live in the here and now, cleanandhappy. Looking at the past and wondering "what if" will only take you back to your past misery. Looking too far ahead in the future takes your eyes off of the here and now... the today. Recovery is all about living day-by-day... it doesn't matter how long you've been clean.

Are you currently working the program? Do you go to meetings, or have a sponsor? Being sober doesn't equal recovery, and your feelings sound just like the ones I was having before I finally gave up trying to ignore my disease by using simple abstinence.

I'm a prime example of the "sobriety sucks" mindset. I managed to keep myself clean for a long period of time by avoiding the people-places-things, but I was a miserable dry-junkie walking around with a huge void in my soul. Drugs left my life, but the void that caused me to pick up in the first place has remained. It'll always be here waiting for me to slip up and let my guard down.

Life's gotten good now. Damn good. I owe that completely to The Program. Drugs didn't get me here, like most. Living sober and miserable is what finally brought me to the doors of NA... on my knees.

I finally won... when I surrendered.

Gooch

Welcome to the board Clean!

Trust us when we say there is a good life after drugs.

I'm another one who got here because the drugs weren't working to bury the pain anymore.

I figured at first that they were the problem and life would be good if I could just get up every day without being hungover, sick, or reaching for that first hit.

And at first just being clean was a wonderful feeling. I thought I was going to change the world. Little by little it became harder and harder to feel good just not using. I couldn't understand why people, places, and things still made my life so difficult. Shouldn't they cut me some slack or reward me because I was staying clean?

Believe me... I suffered and felt sorry for myself everytime I looked behind me, sometimes only back a few days and saw all the horrible. selfish ways I had.

I thought those oldtimers that were "happy, joyous, and free" knew something I didn't or had had some sort of physical change in their emotional and mental processes, ( or else they were on something ..lol) that I was never going to get.

I mean to tell you I just kept coming back with the hope that I might somehow, someday, learn how to live happy and serene.

14 years later and I still have work to do, but it's getting easier and easier to find a gratitude sammich every day and take a big bite out of it.

Keep coming back! Your peace and sereneity are waiting for you.