sicosecrets

Maybe someone has been in this boat before. I have been using cocaine on and off for 7 years, not daily but recently my use picked up tremendously. The high I used to get was not there anymore and when I use now I get so depressed it's unbelievable. I have been suicidal a few times when high on cocaine. I am wondering why this happens now and if anyone else has ever been there? I also find that because the drug controls me I feel such guilt when I use because I let it win. Does anyone else feel this way with coke?

Hadenuff

uhhh, my use of cocaine brought me to my knees time after time. There were times I thought I was going to die, and times I wished I would die.

The longer I used the worse things got for me. I'm an addict, I don't use recreationally. I can't do a little and just stop and be happy and its been that way for a long time. I'll never get those highs back when I first started using and it was fun. Never.

yeah, and as so many say...for me to use is to die. And though I can't predict the future if I start using again I can say for certain I'll probably wish I was dead in a very short time and I'd put money that.

I just had 2 years clean the beginning of Jan and I don't forget the hell my life was for so many wasted years.

the way I feel about it coke is evil.
H

namommy

We always remember that first high and then start chasing it from there. We will never find it again. For me, it was a combination of drugs including coke, that brought me down.

My husband often shares "I thank God for Cocaine, It brought me to my knees quicker than any other drug, without it I may not have found recovery" That statement pretty much sums it up for me.

Try to get to a meeting, surrender, don't fight anymore. If you stop fighting, it can't win.

sicosecrets

Okay...Thanks for your posts. I know it's not fun to dredge into the past and I appreciate your honesty. For my own wellbeing I do not want to forget the pain cocaine has brought to my life and my self. I am scared, however that I will one day forget and go back. So far I have been clean from cocaine for 20 days!! Of course I am still using other things that I can not let go of. I am cross addicted. Is there a way to keep those painful memories from fading for the sake of my sobriety?

Roxann

Congratulations on staying clean from Coke for 20 days!! May I ask what else you are using that you can't let go of? That's awesome.

The memories will always be there. They will fade in time, and after while, you'll appreciate that they are in the past. Just leave them there, and learn from your mistakes.

I wish you well in your recovery, Keep posting, we are listening.

namommy

Sorry Roxanne, I have to disagree. Keep your last run right in the front of your memory. Remember how bad it felt, remind yourself daily so it doesn't fade. Each time you start to remember the good times, and start glorifying using, play that tape (memory) all the way through to the bitter painful ends. THEN, be grateful that you never have to feel that way again. Be grateful that you have found a better life. The best way to recover, is with the help of other gratefully recovering addicts. Get to a meeting, get a sponsor, and get clean from ALL mind and mood altering drugs. Complete abstinence is the ONLY way I know to keep myself from waking the dragon and running back to my drug of choice.

Roxann

Laurie, I stand corrected. I completely misunderstood the post. Where's the bag on my head smilie when ya need it?

wantneeda

i can totallly relate, cocaine is my worst enemy,no I am my own worst enemy!
coke took me down big time, I wanted to escape reality and mostly escape myself. I started thinking that my daughters and my family would be better off without me. Well suicide is not an option for me today, neither is coke or any other drug.
May be i should say instead that it is always an option but today i CHOOSE not to!
I started drinking at 14 then introduced pot etc and years later coke found me. Whenever there was no coke around i always went back to drinking or pot. Needless to say I am a drug addicted alcoholic, and the only way to LIVE for me is drug and alcohol free. One is too many and a thousand is never enough, for me that is so true!
I should have been dead many times over but know for sure today that God must have a plan for me, because I'm sitting here today working on my 242 day!

I too must play that tape to the end and believe me it was a pitiful bottom! I can never forget that last day or I would for sure return to the crazyness.
Today I know that I am needed, my girls and i are starting to get closer and to look baxk now to those crazy thoughts of suicide were only the drug talking. Death is the ultimate bottom. Today I don't want to die. I want to live!
congrats on 20 days, keep on keepin on, it will get better.