Roxann

I read in another post somewhere that someone threw themself down stairs in order to get pills at the ER.

What's the craziest/dumbest thing you did? Something you can't believe you did?

I once hit my wrist bone with a hammer (repeatedly) in order to "bruise" it enough to make the ER think I needed pain pills. In all actuallity, I broke it, needed a cast for 6 weeks and the pain was much more intense than I ever imagined. Of course being an addict, the pills that I did get were gone in hours and I was truly miserable for the next 6 weeks. And I now have the constant reminder, as when the weather changes, it aches. WTF was I thinking?

I can't believe I did this, and had forgotten about it until this morning.
I never want to be in that place again.

cj.

Lied. Cheated. Stole. Conned. Manipulated. Sold Possessions. Sold Myself. etc......

I only ever believed it after I got clean.

Peace
cj

Phinneas

A better question for me would be, what didn't I do?

Ya know?

It's an ugly, ugly disease. Thank god I don't have to do that today.

jojo

storm81

[B]I love to finally look back and think wtf was i thinking, to be far enough away from it, to realize how ugly it is, and know i never want to revisit! Lied manipulated and stole, all to protect my addiction, finally i realized my addiction was lying, manipulating and steeling from me!!

Glad to be clean

Dannielle

xojaded

I know this is not exactly what your looking for but....for my love of pills I have given my memories, my pride, my sex life, every dime i've ever been able to save, my health...I am going to be 33 and I live with my sister for Gods sake. I have a good job but borrow money form my mother who has nothing because I spend almost everything I make on pills. I work ten hours a day plus side jobs and have a hard time buying gas to go get my daughter for "parenting time". I feel like the biggest loser and I am so sick and tired of PILLS controlling me and MY life. Sorry, I need to vent I guess. Day two without pills and I am so emotional.

Roxann

Jaded, you will be okay. You aren't a loser, you're a winner for wanted to recover. I know it's rough. I'm on day 1 all over again, and trust me the slip wasn't worth this. Be as emotional as you want, doesn't it feel good to "feel" something again?

Hang in there. I promise it will get better. I'll say a prayer for you today.

Cathy31

Jaded
Good on you for a great start! 2 days is a REALLY good start!! WHen you get through this (try NA it REALLY HELPS, I know because AA really helps me) you will be as removed as some of the people here - you will be able to look back and see that distance. My DOC is alcohol, but what I used to do habitually was make up 'good news' for my husband so that we could go and eat and "celebrate" (ie get drunk) Things like a special raise in salary usually...which, um kind of didn't then materialise and of course I had to then make up a further story about that and perhaps use that to get drunk on! (ie those bastards! Down another glass of wine!)

It makes me feel sick to think about it! I hope I don't go back to being like that.

Cathy31x

xojaded

Thanks for the reply Cathy and Roxann. It does feel good to feel something comming from within me and not cause I dropped some painkillers. I've been through this before but It's been a long time and I am scarred to death of failing this time and I know how easy it is to "fall off". It must have been an act of God for me to want to try to get straight. Thanks again and sorry for messing up your Thread.

Roxann

You didn't "mess" up anything honey. Keep posting here, it really helps. ((HUGS))

UeyNC

I guess I would have agree with the person who said " What Haven't I done?" But One of my all time low points in my life was about ten years ago when I received a call from my younger sister. She was living with my sick grandfather and slowly watching him die from cancer. She called to ask me to come over because "Grampa" had passed away. She contacted everyone else but I was the first one to get to the house. When I got there I didn't ask how she was, what I could do to help, or how exactly did he pass. I asked about his medications. It was her job as the C.N.A. to dispose of the morphine, Diladid, and what ever else was there, but I thought it was my job to convince her that I needed them. ( What the F$#@ was I thinking) My grandfather lay there dead and all I can think about is getting high. What a piece of SH&%# I was when I was using. My sister finally gave in and let me "dispose" of the drugs so we could take care of the necessary things in his passing.I think she really didn't care about the drugs, she was much more concerned with the tasks at hand, But I remember this as an all time low. How could I have done that. I didn't even care about the fact that he had passed. All I could talk about was the drugs. I'm very ashamed with myself for this but I've since made ammends with my Grandfather and sister (she didn't even remember that about that night).But this goes to show what lows our addictions can take us to. I've been clean this time for about 6 months and I'm more serious about this than I've ever been. And when ever I think about using, I think about what kind of person I am when I'm using and that I don't want to be that person ever again. I have to do this ONE DAY AT A TIME, and I will. God rest your soul Grampa.... I love you!!
Mike

Roxann

Mike I just wanted to you.

ashley80

Had surgery on my left wrist that I didn't really need...lied to more ER doctors, ortho doctors and family docs than I can even count...spent countless dollars...wasted an incredible amount of my LIFE that could have been spent LIVING...(my biggest regret)...took pills from my terminally ill mother...(and cleaned out her stash when she died, of course...)...stole pills from friends, relatives...um, let's see...guess that's enough, but I'm sure there's more. Wasted thousands of dollars buying pills online...risked going to jail for having multiple rx's at different pharmacies....Made my daughters worry and cry and hate me....alienated my friends and my husband....screwed up the best job I ever had and got a demotion (lucky not to get fired)....sat at both my kids' HS graduations (three years apart) feeling dopesick....got hepatitis C from IV use years ago...stayed in abusive relationships because the drugs dulled the pain...

I guess I just could have said, what haven't I done? I haven't killed anyone, I guess, although I almost killed myself and my spirit.

GG733

I cashed in all the bonds my grandmother worked so hard for, that she wanted me to use for college or for a car...and up my nose they went.

Here4Him

My only brother cut his own throat in solitary confinement in jail...dopesick...because he knew they would have to give him morphine if he lived through it.
That just breaks my heart

WNY Addict

Well put

I'd have to say the same thing.

na4today

I did so many stupid things to get pills but one that comes to mind is when I worked in a cleaners, I shut my hand in the press so I could get them and even at the cost of my boss who paid for all of them.

namommy

I am with the others who said "What didn't I do". During 21 years of active addiction you come across alot of desperate measures to get 'fixed'.

One horrible thing that comes to mind is I convinced my mother (who was 64 years old at the time) that I could die from heroin withdrawl and I was feeling so sick that she would have to get me something. I sent her (alone) into the bad lands of Philly to cop me a bag of dope and a set of works. I stayed at her house 25 miles away too sick to care at the time. She was scared to death.

I am just grateful that today, I can do things for her to make SOME amends for my past. Nothing can EVER change the way I feel about doing this to her, so Just for Today, I know the greatest amends to her is for me to stay clean.