Don W

Today I made the call to a new Therapist. I'm getting close to the end of the program of random tests. I've decided to replace these test by going through my Employee Assistance Program. I held the number for a few days concerned with meeting with someome new. I explained my situation and they found someone to match my needs. This will be a good addition to my group meeting at the VA Hospital. Although I've done well, I'm not done recovery. They stopped for awhile but, new memories have surfaced. Many of you have shared your memories and have helped me identify some feelings and actions. Thankfully like some have, and some will find out God gives me a break at times. Being an alcoholic, I can also overdo my recovery.
Hope you understand? Anyway, I'm ready to move on and forward. Those that are new, take heart in the fact that the lessons your learning now will make things down the road not easy but a little easier. I'm going to meet her a couple of times so we can get to know each other. Then we'll decide on maybe once a month or something for a grouth check. I told the woman from EAP that gender didn't matter but, I'm glad it is a woman. I don't know why but, I have problems opening up to men sometimes. Although it is embarrassing telling some stuff to a woman, I've been able to be up front and open. Not sure, but could be some lingering past teaching from my father and for that matter my generation. You know, men don't talk to men about feeling. Men must always be stong and hide their weekness. Anyone else have this issue? Then again once the woman counselors help pull these secrets out, I then have little probem talking about the things I mentioned to other men. Hey, I'm sorry. It took me a long time getting used to holding hands and hugging other guys at meetings. OK, I'm still a little uncomfortable but, getting better. Don W

Morning Glory

Good luck with your new therapist Don. I have a hard time opening up with anyone anymore. I just think I have no clue what's left to deal with so I don't even know what to talk about. I know I have things to deal with though. I guess I need some triggers to bring it out.

I know the memories are tough to deal with. I'm glad you get breaks. I also overdo recovery. It's really hard when I'm at a dead stop and my brain keeps spinning endlessly with nowhere to go. I wish I could just turn off my brain at those times.

I hope it goes well for you.

Hugs,
MG

1Marty

Hello, I know what you mean Don. I was brought up that men only talked about macho stuff with other men. Like cars or tools or sports. Thats why when I started to go to AA, it was kind of a shock to see men talking about feelings and stuff with other men. I still get uncomfortable when another male AA member hugs me. Like MG mentioned, I also have trouble opening up to anybody. But I'm trying. Or at least trying to try!

Don W

Thanks Marty and MG, My meeting is on Thursday with new thersapist. I've gone back and forthin my mind. Almost called up to cancel, I was even going to do it by calling late at night and leave a message. One thing I'm concerned is opening up old wounds. Will I lose what I've gained? Then, I feel that if this opens old wounds then they were not healed to begin with. Maybe, there is a side issue that is related to the old issue that I might be able to work on. After all this worry, I've decided to put my faith in what I believe is the path God has chosen for me. Not sure you know what I mean but, there is an inner desire that has prevented me from derailing this new path. I guess it is still some of the control issue I have. Trying to understand that if I feel right about something to trust my feelings. Sort of like with blind faith, remembering God hasn't brought me this far to lead me wrong. Hey, if it dosen't click, I can stop. However, I'm the type that if I don't check it out, I'll always wonder if I missed something. Maybe, that one piece of the "Don Puzzle" that will lead to a complete Don. Make sense? Have a great night. Don W

Don W

I didn't go to my appointment. I just couldn't get the courage to go. I got up early and called to get a machine. I started to leave a message and she came on. I lied and said I had to go to work early. Then I felt bad for lying and wasting an appointment someone else could have used. I've used every excuse here and to myself to not go, Fact is I'm afraid and ashamed to open up to a new person. I am still afraid that if I'm honest this person will hate me. Like when I post some really private and terrible things from my past. I go between being afraid I've been to open and they'll be a nasty post. Then log on prepaired to read how you all think I'm evil.
This dosen't happen but, until I read the supportive response I worry. Because she answered I had to reschedule for next Thursday. My plan was to leave a message I'd get back to her to reschedule and never call back. The hardest route to take is the route I must take. This is contacting her with the truth. Telling her I was afraid and lied. Great way to start off what is suppose to be a trusting relationship, don't you think? What if she don't understand and tells me to get lost. She sounded young on the phone. I have no idea what difference that makes. Fear and shame fueled my actions. Any ideas? Experence? Why put myself through this? Am I better enough? Do I take a chance on be embarrassed and ashamed, but feel even better for it? What about guilt, guilt for lying on top of guilt from past. The sooner the truth the better, I hope. Here goes. Don W

vanhoutte37

I know how you feel. My first appointment with some one new is next week. The closer I get the more nervous I become. It has been a long time since I have opened up to anyone. But, it is the only way I can get somewhat better. Not sure how much but a little is better then none. I have to do it for myself and also for my son. Thats whats keeping me from loosing it when I think about it. I hope I can do it and I am trying to keep poistive on the subject. Calm yourself down and try to relax, deep breathes, and try to get your mind in a poistive place like at the beach listening to the tide or what ever is a relaxing place for you. Try to keep poistive and try to make it to your next appointment. This is not easy sometimes it takes a couple of times pushing ourselves before we move to the next steps. Thats ok to do and ok to feel. Just don't give up. Jamie

Don W

Thanks Jamie, After I posted I called the Employee Assistance Program. The girl I talked to before wasn't there. I was able to talk to this very nice person. She is going to have the other woman call me. In the mean time she listened to me confess my actions. She understood and said it isn't strange to have these feelings. Anyway, I feel a little better not having to carry this with me the rest of the night. Don W

Morning Glory

Don,

I called because I couldn't find an anti depressant that would work. They told me I had to go see a therapist before I could see the psychiatrist for a med review. That woman wanted to know how I felt in high school. I actually got into an argument with her that I didn't want to talk about my past. I am set up for another appointment and I'm going to cancel it. I wasn't comfortable with her. I got in to talk to the psychiatrist and she was great and easy to talk to.

You are in control of your appointment. You don't have to say anything you don't want to say. You can get up and walk out any time you want to. If you're not comfortable talking then don't talk about anything personal. Just talk about anxiety or something the first time so you can see if you like her.

I hate talking to new therapists. My first thought is that it is none of your business. Can you imagine going to a therapist and saying that when she asks her first question?

Go check it out Don. You never have to go back if you don't like it and you can walk out any time you want to. I promise no one will hate you.

Hugs

vanhoutte37

Thats right MG. If you are not comfortable with her then you do not have to stay talking or go back to her. But keep trying to find one that you are comfortable with. Its hard to alot of times but if you do find one you like it does a world of difference. When I was a kid and teenager I was very comfortable with my therapist but it took going to a couple before I found her. But now I live 1400 miles from her so I have to find someone different. Keep trying thats all we can do, do not give up. Jamie

:hugehug

Don W

Thanks, Thought it over and much of what you say is true. I think it is more that I might need to see someone rather than the person. The old alcoholic part of me, " I can do it alone" is poking through. I need to remember I'm getting better, I'm not better. Again, in the past I had problems with not going to AA after I started feeling good. That is why they need to tell people to take all their medicene. I have not taken all mine. I've heard notyhing but good things about this theraphyst. Also, by talking to the Employees Assistance people I've removed the guilt part. My own mind is a difficult place to be sometimes? Don W

Morning Glory

I know how that is Don.

I can guarantee that no one will hate you or think bad of you. You're just too nice of a person for that to happen.

Hugs

indigo

Don I have only just seen this thread, I think you were very courageous by telling the truth and I as well as the others would like to reiterate that people won't hate you for speaking the truth. Hold your head up Don we're on your side.
hugs indigo