tasmin

hi guys
just wondering if any of you are dealing with this.

since being in a crash last year my head has been all over the place,

i'm in councling and acoa/alanon and here, and have posted b4.

but since the crash there are loads of things coming up that i havent thought of in years.

like the fighting that went on in my home when i was a kid and being made to lie....load of things.

i've always been classed as a very strong person because i've had a lot to deal with and i've always succeeded in dealing with them and over coming them...
or so i thought in dealng with them....but all this is coming back up and my theripist says that i just buried, not dealt with these things in the past.

some really bad things have happened since the crash and there has been no reaction out of me to these things.

one of them being my dad dying, another is my bro trying to kill himself.
thi drives me crazy...not having reaction to things that i should have.

has this happened to any of you?

i feel like i'm empty, like the lights are on but no one is home.

:yelling <<<< this kinda looks like what i've been like all day

tasmin

Morning Glory

I know how you feel tasmin.

The stuff that's coming up is probably doing so because the accident put a little hole in the dam. You sprung a leak and can't plug it back up. Childhood issues are put aside if they are too much to cope with at that age. It is dealing with it, but not enough to put it aside for good. It's just up on a shelf until you are in a place to take it down and face it completely.

I've also been in that place where I don't feel and have little reaction. I'm still in that place in a lot of areas. My daughter and I both went through trauma and sometimes we laugh and tell each other we love each other with our minds, but the hearts are not here right now.

When my father died I cried really hard for one day and then I was finished. He was very important to me. That was 6 years ago and I never cried another tear. I don't understand it myself. Did you grieve for your father before he died? I think that may be what I did.

Hugs,
MG

tasmin

hi morning glory,

my dad was in a nursing home for 3 years b4 he died, this was something i took really hard, and kinda gave up on everything for about 8 months.
parties until all hours and paid no bills, i just didnt care.

everyone knew i was acting out except me, i just couldnt reconsile myself to my dad not being at home and in a nursing home.

then a year and a half b4 he died, he had a major stroke that left him unable to speak,eat,walk,move....
but god love him he could still understand what was being said...
this just tore the heart out of me!
( i traveled 2 hours every day to see him) even when i was sad and upset i would go down to see my dad, and put on a happy face and joke with him about why he had 2 blonde nurses in hs room, he would laugh his head off and tried to reply but all that came out was babble.

there have been many of things i have had to deal with and by far this was one of the hardest.

my theripist thinks that i have shut down the pain because i dont want to let go, and maybe shes right, i still have my dads ashes in the house and wont spread them yet.

did i greive? i dont really know, all i know is that it broke my heart when dad went down there and when he had the major stroke i wished for his sake that he would be freed from the body that trapped him...
i was glad he died...being like he was must have been pure torture for him, he loved a chat, a smoke,and giving out about everything and was always active...
just thinking about what when through his head day after day for a year and a half must have been unbareable.

thankfully i am getting well to some degree, but i've still a long way to go.

i'm sorry this is so long,
sometimes i start typing and forget to stop lol.

tasmin

Morning Glory

eileen,

You don't have to stop typing. I think I shut down a lot because I don't talk about things. I can cry in a heartbeat when a topic is brought up and I talk about it.

I have memories of my father that are hard for me. When he was sick I saw him cry for the first time in my life. I saw him afraid for the first time. It was all very hard.

I also had childhood memories that I had buried that started coming up. I spent 5 years of working through one after the other. It was like a volcano blew and the lava started flowing. There was nothing I could do at that point to stop it. It was very hard, but at the same time it was like a miracle watching myself heal when I had nothing to do with what was happening. I was forced to look at what came up and then I could let it go. Then we moved on to the next one. It finally ended right about the time I thought I was stuck in the Twilight Zone.

Hugs and prayers,
MG

tasmin

thanks morning glory

for giving me hope, and making me realise that this will eventually go away
and my life will be happy again.

early 2004 i thought i'd never smile again...and like you said it was like a volcano,
with all kinds of empotions coming up.

thankfully in aug 2004 i wandered into alanon chat and started to to heal with the help of the ppl in there,
i think if i hadnt got on to the 12 step program i would be dead today.

but thankfully i was directed in there by an alcoholic of all ppl lol,

he could be the only alcoholic that has ever did something positive for me.

or maybe it was god working through him, i dont know, but i sure am grateful for bumping into that guy who ever he was.

all the best,

take care.

tasmin.