Hopefloats

I usually post over at nar-anon. My daughter is the addict in my life.

Short version. I live upstairs from my mom who has alzhiemer's. I prepare her meals..I do not leave food in her home, afraid she will attempt to cook. I DO leave drinks, ensure and snacks.

My AD comes to visit my mom..and occasionally spends the night. There is never food for HER, and I never know when she is coming. Less is better because it upsets my mom's schedule (long story there)

Anyway..I know my AD spends trades her food stamps for money. Be it for drugs...or whatever..I don't know. BUT she never comes to my mom's with food for herself.

My problem is this..with all the work that I have done, I did not rest well last night when she came knowing she was probably hungry. She is not speaking to me right now. My bf went downstairs and brought a big bowl of popcorn and 2 sodas...I always make mom a snack, and sharing it with AD is just fine.

BUT I cannot relieve myself of the guilt, that my AD is probably hungry....and should I be offering a meal? I posted over at nar-anon saying that I would feed a stray cat or dog, for God sake!!!
I cannot imagine providing food as enabling..or IS it? For some reason this just bothers me terribly and I am already thinking about getting Dunkin Donuts for everyone for breakfast!!

Any advice is WELCOME...What would be your point of view. Nurturing should be a given, and I am very uncomfortable about this. I feel like I should be making sure she eats when she visits my mom? Is this codie?? OR is it the kind thing to do....
What mom sleeps well, thinking her child is hungry..addict or not??
thanks SO much for listening...
God Bless!!!
HOPEfloats

DesertEyes

Hello Hope :-)

I'm sorry to hear you are going thru so much pain. Know that I am praying for you and your family. Your love for your Mom and your Daughter is admirable. Here's my suggestions.

Take a look at your boundaries. What behavior from your daughter is acceptable to you, what is not? Is it ok with you if she show up intoxicated / under the influence? Or do you need for her to be clean and sober when she shows up? What about her attitude while in the house? What about smoking and passing out and setting fire to the place?

Anything that you give your daughter, whether it be love, food, shelter, money, will reward her behavior. If she shows up loaded and you feed her she will continute to show up loaded. If you tell her that she cannot enter your house unless she is clean and sober then you are rewarding her for being clean and sober. Then you can offer her food and shelter, but only if she is clean and sober.

I cannot imagine anything more difficult than turning away your own child. However, by turning away your daughter when she is loaded you are doing a far more loving and kind act than you would by enabling her. As difficult as it must be, in the long term it is the best thing for your daughter, for your Mom, your b/f and for you.

My prayers are with you

Mike :-)

Hopefloats

Mike..thank you for taking time to answer this..I really needed guidance on this one. I am sorry to get back to you so late. I have worked this out..and again..thank YOU so much!!!!
HOPEfloats