minneapolisgrrl

Why is it when I'm so close to finally being comfortable (or something like it) with my sobriety, I want to sabotage myself? I want to put myself in situations that are slippery, that are dangerous. I dream about acting out again. I dream about falling backward into those addictions and letting them just swallow me up.

I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored. I'm trying to find some pleasure in boringness. I just can't bring myself to get all excited about stuff. Where's the real highs and the real lows that made life thrilling, huh?

ouch

hey girl, i just wanted to say i can totally relate, and i don't have the answer, so maybe somebody with some substantial recovery time can help you out. right now, at this very nanosecond, i'm trying to stay clean and sober, although the temptation to drink is very strong .... aaaaaah!!! but if i drink (because I'm stressed over school) then I won't study, which will only lead to more stress ... see, it doesn't make any sense to drink, yet i want to do it, anyway!! i understand self-sabotage. good luck and hang in there!!

HopeandNewStart

Hi,
I'm in this boat too. I was sober for 9 months (due to pregnancy), then started up again after our twins were born 6 weeks ago. A few days ago I was at my worst-again. When I was sober during my pregnancy, dh and I were really happy, now the alcohol has gotten a grip on us again and I could just kick myself for starting up again after a wonderful time without it!!....but it's day 2 again for me without the drink and I'm just grateful for it. Please, try to stay strong...it's so worth it for everybody involved. I'm so scared that I'll sabotage myself again but I have to keep trying...

minneapolisgrrl

I can't do this anymore. I don't like being continually tested.

HopeandNewStart

Try to hang in there, please. You can make it through this day. Don't worry about tomorrow yet! I know I will be very happy when I wake up tomorrow morning-sober. I'm tired of the hang-overs and remembering what a horrible person I was the night before...
So, we have to keep trying...and be tested...but it feels so good when you've overcome another test!

nutz

I have the same problem.
It's a very nasty character defect becuase the cycle dosn't
happen over nite. IT takes years sometimes.
As a recovering addict/alcoholic, I have short terms memory.lol
After doing my 4th step the first time. I reconized it.
This is why its imperitive that we stay plug into the program
no matter how much time we have.
A daily repreive or one day at a time.... makes more sense.
Try relaping after 11 years of recovery.
Our dis-ease is cunning, baffling, and powerful
But it's not that, It's me. The drugs and alcohol
amplifies the defects and feeds on it and takes it to
another level of self destruction.

I was doing this long before I came into recovery.
As a child I remember putting toys together.
It would take me hours or days.
As soon as I get done, I would stomp on it or break it.
It was like a rush to break it or destroy it.
As an adult, good god.......relatonships, careers ,and ect.
When the S@#*T hits the fan, we self medicate.lol

Fear of failure and fear of sucess. No, thats not it for me.
Fear of CHANGE or GROWTH.

When we get to almost the top of something, we subconciously know
the end of that cycle is near. Our old habits sabotage things
so we can stay in the same situation or re-build the samething
over and over again. People, places and things might changed
but we're still doing the same thing.
This keeps us in our comfort zone. As messed
up as it is, we've became comfortable with it.

Letting go...starting to make more sense.
We'll either trade up or trade down......decisions, decisions.lol

Thats what i think i do anyhow

ChrisMan

Minneapolisgirl,

Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. When we are gentle with ourselves, we can remain sober.

I remember reading somewhere in a recovery book, "after living life on the edge for so long, real life seemed so lifeless."
It won't always be this way. Things will change. It will take a while.

But I can certainly relate to what you have been saying. Being sober for me seemed so flat and lifeless and first. I was looking for anything...excitement, crisis, tragedy, anything...to give my sobriety more "life."
Things are better now, but only with the passage of time. Stay connected. Keep posting here. Keep going to meetings. Things will get better.

Anna

Hi Minneapolisgirl,

You're talking to an expert at self-sabotage here. Every time I was sober for a few days or a few weeks and things started to look good, I got nervous. It felt uncomfortable. I was so used to feeling bad and failing and all the rest of it, that the idea of succeeding scared me.

Talk to yourself and tell yourself that you do deserve a good, peaceful, happy life. Be kind to yourself.

Love, Anna

nosenhodge

hey minneapolisgrl, I know the feeling of which you speak. I've been sober for 9 months now.. One thing I've come to realize is that dealing with the after effects (hangovers) from my drinking and drugging made it pretty hard to think about too much else. Most of my energy went into functioning with the obstacle of a hangover. The accomplishment came then not from how well I was able to perform my business and personal duties but that I was able to perform them at all in the face of feeling so sh--ty.I took pride in the fact that despite the fact I had stayed out until 4 AM and woke up completely hung, I could still drag my ass out of bed and do what I had to do. When I quit drinking, suddenly the bar was raised a little higher. I actually had the mental capacity to assess my life honestly and realized I hadn't been as productive as I had thought. This was a little scary. I was very tempted to go back to the drinking and my pattern of tearing myself apart at night and then keeping my day time life held together by a thread. It was what I was comfortable with. There was this huge dramatic arc built into every day. The highs only felt so high though in contrast to how incredibly low the lows were. I've really come to appreciate living without those super lows. It took some time but my life is infinitely more satisfying now. And it's still a work in progress. Good as I feel these days, I still have that proverbial devil on the shoulder whispering in my ear ocassionally to just say F it and go get messed up like the old days, but I'm able to ignore him.
Hang in there....

A Screw Loose

((((minneapolisgrl))))

Someone once told me that if you get to the point of self-sabatoage it might have a little to do with reservations. I've got a little time under my belt and hon I still have dreams of getting high. In the beginning when I first had these dreams a few of them I wanted the staff members where I lived to test me, that's how powerful my addiction is. As long as you take it one day at a time and not act on those dreams they will remain only dreams. Just don't make them a reality. There was one time that I was in the middle of my work and that d*** urge crept up on me. I actually stopped what I was doing, picked up the phone and called my sponsor. Even though I was at work and knew in my heart that I wasn't going to use at that moment, my head and senses were telling me different. So keep strong, go to meetings and share what you're feeling. It always helps.

A Screw Loose

nodope

Hey, This is my first post here. I jumped right on it because I can empathize. There are some really profound thoughts on this. It helped me.

I kinda think this is like when they say "You picked up before you picked up". Another words you're thinking about putting yourself in those situations so you can pick up.

Personally I feel too that I'm wonderful at being a screw up. That's what I do best. It's EASY to pick up. The hard part is hanging tough, and allowing yourself to be successful. Fear of the unknown.....also comes into play. Like well now I'm going to have to be like the rest of the "normal" world, and I know I'll fail at it. I dodn't know how to be good at anything else.

Wishing you all good things. You can do this. Thanks to everyone who posted because it sure helped me.