Kristoff

Olympic champion at letting thoughts swim round in my head and scoffing at the 'simple' things suggested, like doing gratitude lists........well, that didn't work overly well....and I know, from some serious recent thought about why things aren't really improving for me, drinking or otherwise, that my thinking and particularly how I relate to those thoughts, needs to change....I know I'm a historically, discontented pony and I know it would help me if I got some more appreciation......so here goes in the quest to (i) establishing a new habit of memorialising gratitudes and to (ii) genuinely gaining some appreciation and gratitude

1. waking up and not worrying about whether I've pissed the bed.
2. melon (with lemon juice squeezed over it Spanish style) and royal gala apples with Peruvian Funki coffee beans for breakfast
3. laptop and tablet and phone so can connect with this forum
4. for my true self being more dominant in my thoughts and actions of late and that my AV's persistent goading that "it'll be alright mate, you can have just a few" has quietened, not gone, but definitely quieter.
5. for elderly parents, who remain supportive, even if confused and challenged by this condition and what it has done.
6. for my bikes and that the spring/summer chain gang with the cycling club starts up again tonight.
7. for a genuine love of cycling hard in a group...and the bond it engenders.
8. for a friend, who despite some of my drunken insanities, remains there....and for my recognition/compassion for him that he (and me) is struggling with how this condition is having to redefine how we relate to each other and need to figure out how this friendship looks without the pub and other 'in drink' jolly japes.......that there will be no 'jolly japes' for me anymore, just further erosions of that friendship
9. for a nice feeling upon re-reading this post prior to posting.

Wishing everyone who reads a contented day

PhoenixJ

kristoff, a brave, courageous and sincere post. Well done. Thanks and welcome.
I pretended I did not drink, until it had to be 'high functioning alcoholic' which became functioning which became alcoholic which became dead- literally.

When standing in the middle of a packed sports arena, naked and painted bright purple, it is hard to deny this when some one says'you are standing naked in the middle....'.
It leaves me no where else- but up. Every one knows, so nothing left to hide. Do you do all the stuff? A plan, see a doc/counsellor/meetings/journal?
Lots of info in the sticky's. Support to you. PJ

InASilentWay

Thanks, Kristoff. This helps. It's not a particularly easy thing to do. I am still struggling with this. On another note, I love cycling too but haven't ever done it in a group. Worth a shot I guess

Vinificent

Thank you for sharing your list Kristoff. I have found K I S S (Keep It Simple Stupid - I'm the stupid here lol) to be the most helpful tool...don't drink, and be on SR as as much as possible have been the two most helpful tools. Gratitude is way up there too. Thinking about what is better now vs. When you were actively drinking and being grateful for it really keeps it green.

Kristoff

PhoenixJ,
I have been going to AA for three years on and off....serial slipper is probably as good a description as any as to how it goes with me......I have got to the point where I know it's all over for me though as far as the drinking is concerned.....this disease/condition/illness, call it what you will, it matters little for present purposes, but it has doubtlessly progressed......if I choose to drink, it's unsafe. And in the last few weeks, I did that on a few occasions, but it was sad......I only drank in the hotel and tactically bailed out when I could sense the onset of blackout and managed (as planned) on each occasion to then parachute myself to my room and go to sleep (or pass out...pass out being the more accurate way of putting it). I got lucky, it could so easily, like enough times previously, have gone a million more messy ways. My true self knows that the upside of a few hours (the length of time is shortening) of being nicely 'buzzed' is not worth the effort/battle/planning. The day after low and the sneaky, indirect checking with others I was with as to whether I'd made a tit of myself or said anything untoward was quite pathetic. Its not really what a 'holiday' or any other day for that matter should be about....if it's causing that much hassle, the game's up.

Its about staying stopped for me....I've had decent lengths of sobriety (4-5 months max) .....but it needs to be made permanent.

'Naked, purple, sports arena' ? Presumably a metaphor ?

Kristoff

In a silent way
Cycling in a group I find to be very helpful.....not just the camaraderie but the commitment to doing it (5 times a week for me) helps as its simply impossible to do that if I'm hungover. Also the commitment to doing it early doors Saturday and Sunday mornings helps me to deal with my two real 'reward myself' nights of Friday/Saturday.

I have to be careful on the cross-addiction thing....I know that's what has been going on, to some extent, but I have rationalised that to whilst I am trying to re-design my life and deal with emotional pain, better that I do it in a healthier, non drinking way than in a drinking way....its not perfect but its preferable.