BrendaChenowyth

Usually I find it helpful to talk about my thoughts and feelings.. That's how I work through things, I find out that someone else can relate and that I'm not a terrible person for feeling this way.. But I can't talk about some of the thoughts that I have.. And I have no way of alleviating them, figuring them out, or finding a remedy because I can not talk about them.. So I'm just trapped..

Mattq2

Hi Brenda,
I think I understand what you mean . Sometimes I just have to go to a quite place and run things around and around in my own brain. Sometimes it takes days but eventually I resolve things with myself. I'm not really a social person anyway so it comes natural to me. Hope you get it worked out.

Astro

If I find that I cannot confide in another member of my church or AA (and that's usually me feeling trapped inside myself due to shame) I find it helpful to take it before my Higher Power (Jesus Christ) through prayer, a running conversation, and meditation.

I wish you the best as there is always someone able to listen when I have the willingness to open up.

BrendaChenowyth

I had a super, super rough night last night.. I haven't felt so bad, in terms of withdrawals and mood swings and obsessive thoughts, since before I quit back in August.. As ashamed as I am about the specific thoughts I was having, I am more ashamed that I have let myself lapse back to this state. The only thing I had to do was stay away from alcohol. I had fallen in to a depression since December, but never the state I was in last night.. it was behind me, I was better.. til I drank.

You are right, God is the only one I can turn to.. Alcohol prevents me from letting Him in.

Maudcat

Deep breath. Today is a new day.
P.S. Journaling in longhand helps my clarify my thoughts.

biminiblue

I agree with journalling. I've done it during a few really dark times in my life when something just wouldn't let go of me. I do mine on my computer (in a private file). I also set a time limit, with a timer...15 minutes max a day, at the same time of day. Any time the *thoughts* come up during the day I defer to the worry session, "Okay, I'll deal with that in the worry session." Seriously. And then when the 15 minutes is up, I have to drop it until tomorrow. Free-flowing worry allowed to run rampant is really destructive. Some boundaries have to happen. That is one way I broke my obsessive worry.

The other thing is - write about this drinking episode. Get it out. I'm glad you did here, I need the reminder that it still sucks. I've heard it said that AA will ruin drinking for you. Ha, I think that goes for SR too.

Ease up on yourself, K? We think you're worth it.

BrendaChenowyth

Eh.. it's not worry.. that would be an improvement.

Steely

There is some stuff Brenda that I don't even know HOW to talk about. One day.

I'm banking on greater sobriety, actually following through on the plans that I know will help as the way to gain the words I need, and their expression.

biminiblue

Okay, but it is obsessive ruminating over the past or fear of the future or whatever you are obsessing over. Anxiety, then. Depression. It's all being caused by what you are allowing yourself to dwell on.

If you can't change your own thinking, then I would ask - who can?

Have you thought about therapy?

MicroMacro

Why can't you talk about some of the thoughts you have?

BrendaChenowyth

Because they're universally considered immoral.

ScottFromWI

That is not a reason to not share or at least talk about them with a therapist, quite the opposite actually.

Bekindalways

Hey Brenda, I'm glad you are at least talking about not talking about them.

Most of us have a running mental commentary that is not appropriate for family viewing. Can you write about it?

Personally thoughts tending towards homicide, suicide, violence, lust, rage, and a lot of the so called deadly sins I can relate to . . . at least at some point in my life . . . never quite understood the drive to make obscene phone calls but heck perhaps in my old age it will become a hobby.

I hope I don't sound too flippant as you do sound like you are suffering and I don't make light of human suffering for anyone.

BrendaChenowyth

I'm gonna regret saying this because I always feel like I overshare.. but all I want... all I want, is to get to a place where I love myself enough that I would never, ever entertain the thought of ending my own life.

Dee74

If those thoughts are serious and persistent ones please bookmark this link Brenda - there's a lot of crisis numbers and pertinent reading here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

If I've overstated your case, thats ok someone else might get benefit from the link

D

BrendaChenowyth

It came to my attention that I need more social contact in my life.. Being busy and talking with people definitely took my mind off.. things.. temporarily.

Wholesome

I really hope you feel better Brenda. We all have highs and lows and crazy thoughts sometimes. Keep your chin up and if it gets bad make sure you reach out for help. You are worth it.

SoberCAH

When I have depression or anxiety, which is rare due to the efficacy of the meds I have been taking for those problems for many years, my thoughts and my feelings don't always paint an accurate picture of the reality of what's happening in my life.

In other words, my thoughts and feelings sometime lie to me.

Whenever I have been in those depths of feeling lousy, I usually have an epiphany in which I realize that how I feel and what I think are not accurate barometers of reality.

And I can't trust them.

We love you very much, BC.

We hope you come back out into the daylight soon.

Bekindalways

Brenda, I have posted this before but it is worth putting here again.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Jellaludin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

Although, depression for me often feels like having a hurricane flatten The Guest House of Me. Still, keep feeingl those feelings/thoughts and let them go . . . .if you are like me, they will come back . . . again, again and again.

Thoughts of ending my life started when I was 18. I'm 54 now and still have these thoughts. I think, "Hello old friend. How are you. What do you have to say today." Distraction is a help too but I see this ugly-unacceptable part of me as the cross I carry in life. I didn't choose it but I choose not to act on it.

I have found tools that help. Meds have helped me. Accepting myself has helped. Exercise also helps. None of the above cures me but it helps.

Caramel

Bekindalways - thank you for posting "The Guest House"; it's helping me put into perspective a few things I was finding difficult to deal with.