Why I Couldn't Get Better
Dancing To My Own Beat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Why I Couldn't Get Better
I finally found out why, after all the years I have been in Al-Anon, that I reached a plateau and couldn't get any better. I still had terrible, overwhelming incidents where Mr. Magic, or someone not ever related to alcoholism, would trigger what I now know as "flashbacks". I have complex PTSD from childhood that I don't remember.
I wasn't raised in an alcoholic home. My family appeared to be better than normal. In fact, many of my friends would tell me they wished they had my parents. The fact was, I wished they had them, too. Behind the scenes, it was awful. My mother was raised in an alcoholic home, where my grandfather abandoned my grandmother, my mom, and my uncle. He left and didn't contact or visit them. He started a whole new family somewhere else. Of course, this left my mom emotionally and psychically damaged. But even that didn't explain my nightmare childhood that no one saw.
Recently, after another crazy episode, I sought the help of a great therapist. I have been to therapists before, who skimmed the surface, but didn't make any real progress. This therapist asked me to write everything I could remember from my childhood. It took me about 1 1/2 months, but I did it. I was surprised how faulty my memories of my own childhood were, but I wanted to do this. I am tired of feeling like a mental case.
The therapist read it, then we read it together. He then told me that I had been raised by a narcissistic father and suffered from emotional neglect and outright mental abuse from him, and my abused mother, stayed with him, and even assisted in the abuse. My brother was also abused, but he was the favored one, and his abuse was different than mine. His was to be made totally dependent on them, and expected to be the protege of my father, without any of his own personality, wants, likes or dreams considered. I was the scapegoat. All the family problems were projected on me. I was the "bad" child, who couldn't successfully complete anything, was hounded mercilessly with criticism, and finally dumped in a mental facility for drugs and alcohol as a teen, even though they only caught me drinking once. They had accused me for a long time of doing drugs, which wasn't true, but bolstered their story for the treatment facility. I was there 9 months (good insurance) locked up. My father looked like the doting, caring father who had tried to save his daughter. If I told the truth, I was accused of lying.
I went to AA for over 16 years, met my husband, and ignored the facts, believing that if a bunch of doctors, specialists in alcoholism, said I had a problem, I must. This was a big clue that I might have had some psychic break at that time, believing the unbelievable. I later found out that narcissists are experts at "gas lighting" which is making someone believe a lie about themself.
The therapist I have now has found that I have "flashbacks" to a child-like state where fear, self doubt, self criticism, and shame, that was taught to me by my mother and father, take over when triggered, and turn me into a babbling, shut-down pile on the floor. I revert to a state where I can't communicate, and can only hate myself and see others as a threat.
This is the meat of it. It is only a short description of what happened. The more I read about being raised by a narcissist, the more it all fits. Classic symptoms fit my life. I have cut off all communication with my immediate family until I can recover. There is a good chance I may never be able to communicate with them again because of the abusive nature of our relationship. They, of course, don't see it that way. The narcissist father, who can't see me as a real person, an adult, keeps trying to contact me, even though he has said he will respect my wishes to not communicate during this time. My mother, who has also been abused by him, continues to carry out his wishes and in turn abuses my brother and I. My brother, who was pitted against me in competing for love and attention, has no relationship with me at all. Being dependent on those two, he can't risk being seen as "siding" with me.
I am sharing this because it was such an awakening, and gave me a basis for recovery from an invisible wound. I wanted to share this because someone else might be suffering, and not know why. If you think you might have the same situation, check out some of the articles and blogs about being raised by a narcissist. Also, John Bradshaw's On the Family, and Healing the Shame That Binds You are great for some hopeful recovery reading. If you find that this fits, find a therapist who knows about this area. It is really important to find someone who knows about narcissistic personality disorder, and how it effects those around it. Most of all, you are not crazy, you are not the problem, you are not alone, and you can get better! Love and Hugs Always! Magic
I wasn't raised in an alcoholic home. My family appeared to be better than normal. In fact, many of my friends would tell me they wished they had my parents. The fact was, I wished they had them, too. Behind the scenes, it was awful. My mother was raised in an alcoholic home, where my grandfather abandoned my grandmother, my mom, and my uncle. He left and didn't contact or visit them. He started a whole new family somewhere else. Of course, this left my mom emotionally and psychically damaged. But even that didn't explain my nightmare childhood that no one saw.
Recently, after another crazy episode, I sought the help of a great therapist. I have been to therapists before, who skimmed the surface, but didn't make any real progress. This therapist asked me to write everything I could remember from my childhood. It took me about 1 1/2 months, but I did it. I was surprised how faulty my memories of my own childhood were, but I wanted to do this. I am tired of feeling like a mental case.
The therapist read it, then we read it together. He then told me that I had been raised by a narcissistic father and suffered from emotional neglect and outright mental abuse from him, and my abused mother, stayed with him, and even assisted in the abuse. My brother was also abused, but he was the favored one, and his abuse was different than mine. His was to be made totally dependent on them, and expected to be the protege of my father, without any of his own personality, wants, likes or dreams considered. I was the scapegoat. All the family problems were projected on me. I was the "bad" child, who couldn't successfully complete anything, was hounded mercilessly with criticism, and finally dumped in a mental facility for drugs and alcohol as a teen, even though they only caught me drinking once. They had accused me for a long time of doing drugs, which wasn't true, but bolstered their story for the treatment facility. I was there 9 months (good insurance) locked up. My father looked like the doting, caring father who had tried to save his daughter. If I told the truth, I was accused of lying.
I went to AA for over 16 years, met my husband, and ignored the facts, believing that if a bunch of doctors, specialists in alcoholism, said I had a problem, I must. This was a big clue that I might have had some psychic break at that time, believing the unbelievable. I later found out that narcissists are experts at "gas lighting" which is making someone believe a lie about themself.
The therapist I have now has found that I have "flashbacks" to a child-like state where fear, self doubt, self criticism, and shame, that was taught to me by my mother and father, take over when triggered, and turn me into a babbling, shut-down pile on the floor. I revert to a state where I can't communicate, and can only hate myself and see others as a threat.
This is the meat of it. It is only a short description of what happened. The more I read about being raised by a narcissist, the more it all fits. Classic symptoms fit my life. I have cut off all communication with my immediate family until I can recover. There is a good chance I may never be able to communicate with them again because of the abusive nature of our relationship. They, of course, don't see it that way. The narcissist father, who can't see me as a real person, an adult, keeps trying to contact me, even though he has said he will respect my wishes to not communicate during this time. My mother, who has also been abused by him, continues to carry out his wishes and in turn abuses my brother and I. My brother, who was pitted against me in competing for love and attention, has no relationship with me at all. Being dependent on those two, he can't risk being seen as "siding" with me.
I am sharing this because it was such an awakening, and gave me a basis for recovery from an invisible wound. I wanted to share this because someone else might be suffering, and not know why. If you think you might have the same situation, check out some of the articles and blogs about being raised by a narcissist. Also, John Bradshaw's On the Family, and Healing the Shame That Binds You are great for some hopeful recovery reading. If you find that this fits, find a therapist who knows about this area. It is really important to find someone who knows about narcissistic personality disorder, and how it effects those around it. Most of all, you are not crazy, you are not the problem, you are not alone, and you can get better! Love and Hugs Always! Magic
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Wow Magichappens. That is quite the story.
Although my story is quite a bit different, I came from a relatively good family that left some wounds. It has taken me decades to acknowledge these wounds.
Please let us know how you continue to do.
Although my story is quite a bit different, I came from a relatively good family that left some wounds. It has taken me decades to acknowledge these wounds.
Please let us know how you continue to do.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Magic, your story touched my heart and I am so glad you are getting help to work through all this.
My childhood issues are few and small and yet I remember how uplifting it was to face them and acknowledge the damage I needed to repair.
You have a lot to process but I think the very fact that you are facing it head on and processing the pieces as best you can is a very good sign that healing cannot be far behind.
Hugs
My childhood issues are few and small and yet I remember how uplifting it was to face them and acknowledge the damage I needed to repair.
You have a lot to process but I think the very fact that you are facing it head on and processing the pieces as best you can is a very good sign that healing cannot be far behind.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Thanks for sharing this, Magic.
I still routinely have dreams about growing up in our alcoholic family.
My parents are dead, but they live in my dreams.
My reality doesn't include them or alcoholic or abusive behavior.
That's my past, not my present and, i hope, not my future.
I still routinely have dreams about growing up in our alcoholic family.
My parents are dead, but they live in my dreams.
My reality doesn't include them or alcoholic or abusive behavior.
That's my past, not my present and, i hope, not my future.
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