Aldama

I feel like I'm letting soo many down...I have a very hard time getting out if bed...I feel paralyzed. Found out recently my father has cancer...my 10 year relationship I can't stop obsessing over and the loss of a long time friend. I'm really good in crowds, talking with people and all of that but become paralyzed when alone. One thing in the aftermath of this mess. I told my friend/ sponser it feels like an electric fence up around me now, just deep enough to keep everything shallow...(not that I do no enjoy people, I do). But I also have severe memory problems, especially when stressed. I met her at a small meeting a perched out front and parked my motorcycle there so she would know I was right there. I had ditched out on an obligation with another AA member and my father...I dragged myself out because I told the AA member I'm sorry, and I didn't put in a front anymore, told him exactly why and he responded with kindness saying,"no bullshitting if you really want to talk, want me to come by?" and the fact I had crumbled earlier in the day, he understood and offered to show early so we could talk really touched me. So, instead of being Ms.Strong all the time and I'm feeling suicidal from letting people down, I took a leap and said yes. It was really good for me. All the while though I perched where I thought was noticeable at the stairs and entrence somehow my sponser/friend didn't see me..So, in the end she showed to a meeting she hates for me but neither of us saw eachother....

I was getting VERY annoyed at the constant you have to be WILLING.

I AM and I'm working it as hard as I can...She's the only one I trust. I know my memory and my cycles...I want OUT of it.

I understand her perspective too but it's not the case....

I'm on the very edge of saying **** AA.....

I want to process these malfunctions of thought and also maintain my own thoughts so I can hear a response.

I feel like I have no energy for true and deep friendships anymore....

I (selfishly) feel jipped because her first sponser spent soo much time with her and worked uniquely with-her-...now with her second sponser who's very traditional, as if I am supposed to lead life exactly like her . I told her I want to do a ALL of the steps....
But now with so little energy , can't focus , identify feelings....

I see her side....Mine sounds like an excuse , but I'm literally living week to week in a mentally warped groundhogs day....she feels upset and ditched and due to my memory has a right to also. She knows my whole story...she was -there-. And after a full day if feeling ****** for letting a lot of people around me down because of my mental state/situation...she's not one I wanted to....I've been screamed at by friends...

Whatever is affecting my cognition so is not only embarrassing but life shattering....I feel like it's letting everyone down and my instinct wants to withdraw from everything...

emme99

Hi Aldama and Welcome
I am sorry I don't have a lot of advice I just want to say I am sorry to hear about your father. I am in a similar situation with my mom and I know it is hard. Wishing you the best.

teatreeoil007

Hi Aldama and welcome...It sounds like you are really suffering. Sorry to hear about that. We're here for you and we care.

Astro

Hi Aldama, I'm glad you've joined us on SR and hope you find this site a useful recovery tool. Many people including myself find AA to be life changing and saving, but it's not the only way. We discover what works best for us.

Recovery is a long process and you've got many added difficulties you're working on, I'm sorry to hear about your father and I hope you both find comfort and peace. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I hope you continue to reach out for support.

january161992

i fired a sponsee once

because ... well the reason was my lack of acceptance

my sponsor told me i should not have stopped working with him just like my sponsor never stopped working with me

i was wrong

what i have done right is go to a meeting (almost) everyday and always stay in service