Cleansing

I tend to say I don't see myself coming, but I actually do, and go ahead and self-destruct. My very first sponsor used to tell me I can't tell the help how to help me.

So I was pretty controlling in the relationship with my most recent sponsor, and I crossed his boundaries twice, he had enough and cut off communications with me. I'm basically telling my psychiatrist how to treat me and what to prescribe me. I don't have a homegroup because I don't feel comfortable in any particular group. I make meetings all over the city, but I only made two meetings this week.

So a lot of family and associates in NA tell me I am doing great and look healthy, but I don't feel like I'm okay. When I look at what the recovery entails, and what I actually do on a daily basis, I often wonder how I am even clean.

When my parents health started failing past three months, and a close friend of mine shot himself in the head (clean and in recovery), I started to doubt that things will be okay. I don't know if i'm being negative, but those situations really threw me for a loop.

I feel like I'm manipulating the doctor to lower my meds because I don't want to have a mental illness anymore, especially not schizoaffective disorder. I'm may be setting myself up for some imbalance and stress. I'm having doubts about this decrease in my meds I'm starting tomorrow.

I don't feel like I'm using the fellowship properly or if I'm able to ask for help. Do not even feel like I need help. But I'm isolated. I feel fine, but loneliness, doubt, and hopeless creep in still. I don't know what I'm supposed to be talking about sometimes.

I'm at where I'm at based on the work I've done. All my needs are met. Holding on to some gratitude. Grateful addicts don't use.

In NYC, they make a big deal about anniversaries, and I celebrating my year clean this week. Sort of nervous about sharing. I need to share the hope, but i'm also in need of help.

Treerat66

Sounds like you have all the answers. May be you're not asking the right question.

Dee74

Hi Cleansing - good to see you again

I'm not a doctor of any kind but not wanting to have a mental illness anymore reminds me a lot of not wanting to be an alcoholic anymore.

I spent a lot of years in that dead end.

Recovery for me has meant accepting all that I am...and it's meant letting go of the reins a little too.

I'm much happier not being the General Manager of the Universe.

Congrats on your upcoming year - I figure there must be some things you're doing right

D

Bekindalways

You've ruined a relationship (or more) by crossing boundaries . . . irk . . .come pull up a chair next to me.

I'm another one that doesn't want to be a depressive but the more I accept this as my reality the better I do (better may never mean I'm doing great but I'll take better)

dox

Some of your issues may ease as a result of the 12 steps.
Maybe you just need a different sponsor.
Fortunately, for me, my sponsor had very few rules.
It was up to me to set the pace.
And I upped the pace when I accepted that the steps were the easier softer way.

10 years of Psychiatry didn't help me much.
That's probably because I had not, yet, learned the importance of honesty.
Aside from monitoring my meds, he did tell me that I shouldn't drink or use.
But, I wasn't ready to listen -- especially to that.

My controlling nature, manipulative behaviour, unrealistic expectations and self-centredness diminished as a result of the 12 steps.

I wanted more.
Don't we all?

So, I finally read a suggested book:
Drop the Rock
It helped me to let go of my old ways even more.

So, Cleansing, how's the med reduction working for you?
Or, is it too soon to ask?

Cleansing

Thanks to the forum for sharing.

Problems were piling up and I went through an imbalance for a while when I jumped into Stepwork. Paranoia, anxiety, difficulty with hygiene, and eating. Made it through the other side and this past two weeks I've been doing great. Most of my problems might be solved, I put in the footwork, but don't control outcome.

Doctor says it's just resentments and anger past month. Therapist says my defects are popping up. Most people agree boundaries were crossed by sponsor and myself. It wasn't a healthy relationship.

First day of Latuda decrease I only got 4 hours of sleep, and didn't feel tired at all. Could have been excitement for my anniversary and the fact that my father was rushed to hospital in the same 48 hours. Second day of medication change I got 8.5 hours of sleep, no symptoms of any kind. Saw therapist today, See psych next week.

I know there is an imbalance often, I just want to right treatment. I'm weary of anti-psychotics, and being over-medicated. I'm convinced through recovery, I can be at healthy level of medication. I came into recovery on four psych meds. I'm down to three, and the Latuda and Depakote were sort of high at one point.

Bekindalways

Keep at it Cleansing. It sounds like you are working hard.

Cleansing

Feel lonely and like there is no help available. And I can't keep still. Narcotics Anonymous has been a waste of time. I don't belong here.

Might have had hallucinations earlier. Had desire to use Friday. Felt like F the world past three days. Want to hurt people, suicide is not my thing.

4givn

Hello Cleansing

I am bipolar which is little brother to schizophrenia
I knew something was wrong during my late teens. I remember the day my symptoms started and I was tortured by them for years.

When you said that you could hurt people I too understand those thoughts. I have had fantasies about fighting and beating up enemies like a maiden warrior.

And would you believe I am in the medical profession? What a swing of emotions. I love my job and would never hurt a patient. As a matter of fact I have been punched at by a few in my career. I don't want to go on and on about myself but I am only sharing this to let you know I have empathy with your situation. I never wanted to seek treatment because I did not want the label of mental illness.

You sound like a very strong person as evidenced by your success in dealing with your addiction.

Maybe you feel the way I do. I have a hard time with authority figures telling me what to do especially when I know they have many flaws too.
This is a big source of anger for me.

Cleansing

"Cay began taking medication. A mixture of drugs her doctor prescribed that, even now, is constantly changing. Because, she tells me, we as people are constantly changing. “I realised I had to start taking care of myself. I didn’t want to feel bad anymore. I couldn’t go out all night and party. I couldn’t be like my friends. I had to sleep. And it sucked. It still sucks. But I have to be in bed by midnight so I can take my medication so the next day won’t be a writeoff. It’s tough sometimes but life is tough and I’m making it work.”

Love that part. My sleep hygiene is terrible, and I'm glad I'm not alone with the med changes.

courage2

I get you, Cleansing. Mental illness on top of addiction is a whole concoction. Watch out for that thing about manipulating your doctor. If the meds have helped you to stay sober and keep on track until now, maybe better not to change them?

Keep checking in, here and with any/all other supports. Sometimes you have to call on help you don't normally ask for. There are midnight meetings in NYC.

Cleansing

I meant to respond in a different post about the article I got the quote from.

The medication decrease didn't go well. I'm back on regular dose but feeling very slow, and can't think about anything but death and sickness right now. I'm not suicidal, but feel like I'm dying and health is in jeopardy. My urinalysis came out off, and I had to go on diet due to gastrointestinal issues and tests need to be done. The only thing I'm doing wrong is chain smoking and abusing caffeine. I skip breakfast a lot.

I did an intake at a new clinic because my former clinic was at was a three hour travel in total. But I did one-follow up, and it's been three weeks since I've talked to a social worker or psychiatrist. I feel like I should have someone to talk to. My NA friends don't know what to say with what I'm going through.

My appointment is finally coming up, but I'm nervous as hell, because I don't trust mental health workers, and I'm new to this location. I mean to wait that long obviously there's going to be too much to address.

As for that quote I mentioned, I just remember a time when I was on ONE psych med, Lexapro, and did well, and felt comfortable in my skin. Now I'm on 3 psych meds, and don' think I'm doing well at all. If not being hospitalized is the measure for success, then yes, I'm doing great, but I'm putting in a lot of effort to show up and be responsible, and I'm tired of feeling how I'm feeling. Just disconnected, afraid, and lonely.


So what usually happens is I spaz out in these offices and threaten them, so I'm automatically labeled as angry when I'm really just fed out of being fed poison. Get me off these darn antipsychotics and I'll feel better;.

Cleansing

There's a lot of people I seriously want to hurt in Narcotics Anonymous. I did AA for two weeks and it was an even worse experience. I snapped plant of time in meetings, and it's not my mental illness, it's my disdain for the fellowship and the program. They are some of the most disgusting, lying deceitful, and idiotic people I ever met, an I've been around some people in my active days.

I'm doing great according to my doctor, but 12-step fellowships are not for me. I have to let go and let God. I hate the people, and i don't believe in the program.


It's going to be a lonely painful road, but I'll find what works for me. I'll find some people I can talk to one day.

Astro

I'm sorry you feel that way, Cleansing, and I do respect your opinion and honesty. AA is my "tribe". While I don't feel that everyone in AA is completely honest (nor anywhere in life) I've made a lot of friends and found people who love me and support me in my recovery.