My Experience Carrying the Message - Speaking
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
My Experience Carrying the Message - Speaking
I was asked to speak for the first time at my home group.
Background: my step work and spiritual growth have been rather slow, but for those who know me on SR and in meetings, I've been fighting hard for my recovery this time around. I never follow through with anything, but I walked into AA this time utterly defeated and hopeless, and in my home group I saw and heard hope. So I stayed. And worked at it. And kept working at it.
It was sprung on me to speak 5 minutes before the meeting started. Miraculously, I was only anxious for a moment. I went into the kitchen and quickly asked God to help me carry the message, and that was it. I calmly asked a couple of questions to our lead guy, and I went up front.
In the past, if anyone had asked me to public speak or something, I would've been all crazy in ego. I would've been in complete and utter drama. I would've practiced what I was going to say, researched stuff, written things down I didn't want to forget, etc. I would've put all this insane focus needing to look perfect, so you all wouldn't see what I mess I really was on the inside.
This time was completely different. I brought God into it. I connected with my heart, quieting the mind. If my mind started to crop up while speaking, I was able to pause for a second and let it go. This was a completely different person up there.
Before my spiritual awakening, I lived my life in a bundle of nerves. I babbled like crazy sometimes. My stomach would get all twisted in knots. I worried about how I looked or if people thought I was smart, pretty, worthy, and all that other ego-crap. I'd get depressed telling myself how horrible I was, or nit-picking at every little thing I said or did, believing the lies my mind told me. I lived my entire life in the extremes of anxiety and depression, never in the middle; never balanced.
My sponsor told me afterward, that I was calm, happy, eloquent, and articulate. Those are words that have never been used to describe me, no matter how much in the past I tried to fake it in my daily facade that I was living in.
I was also HONEST.
Authentic.
And afterwards, I wasn't going crazy nervously asking everyone how I sounded, or apologizing for glitches or something. I was happy and calm as people came up to me to chat. I didn't critique myself or ask for someone to critique me. All I calmly thought in my heart was, "I hope I reached newcomers. I hope God is proud of me for carrying the message." It was very peaceful. My mind/ego was quiet.
Alcoholism kept me running away from myself for my entire life. Since before I even had my first drink.
To thy own self be true.
Background: my step work and spiritual growth have been rather slow, but for those who know me on SR and in meetings, I've been fighting hard for my recovery this time around. I never follow through with anything, but I walked into AA this time utterly defeated and hopeless, and in my home group I saw and heard hope. So I stayed. And worked at it. And kept working at it.
It was sprung on me to speak 5 minutes before the meeting started. Miraculously, I was only anxious for a moment. I went into the kitchen and quickly asked God to help me carry the message, and that was it. I calmly asked a couple of questions to our lead guy, and I went up front.
In the past, if anyone had asked me to public speak or something, I would've been all crazy in ego. I would've been in complete and utter drama. I would've practiced what I was going to say, researched stuff, written things down I didn't want to forget, etc. I would've put all this insane focus needing to look perfect, so you all wouldn't see what I mess I really was on the inside.
This time was completely different. I brought God into it. I connected with my heart, quieting the mind. If my mind started to crop up while speaking, I was able to pause for a second and let it go. This was a completely different person up there.
Before my spiritual awakening, I lived my life in a bundle of nerves. I babbled like crazy sometimes. My stomach would get all twisted in knots. I worried about how I looked or if people thought I was smart, pretty, worthy, and all that other ego-crap. I'd get depressed telling myself how horrible I was, or nit-picking at every little thing I said or did, believing the lies my mind told me. I lived my entire life in the extremes of anxiety and depression, never in the middle; never balanced.
My sponsor told me afterward, that I was calm, happy, eloquent, and articulate. Those are words that have never been used to describe me, no matter how much in the past I tried to fake it in my daily facade that I was living in.
I was also HONEST.
Authentic.
And afterwards, I wasn't going crazy nervously asking everyone how I sounded, or apologizing for glitches or something. I was happy and calm as people came up to me to chat. I didn't critique myself or ask for someone to critique me. All I calmly thought in my heart was, "I hope I reached newcomers. I hope God is proud of me for carrying the message." It was very peaceful. My mind/ego was quiet.
Alcoholism kept me running away from myself for my entire life. Since before I even had my first drink.
To thy own self be true.
Well done. It's entirely normal to be nervous before speaking in public. That doesn't normally worry the people who are listening in AA, though. What they appreciate is someone who's being honest and can explain to them about the changes in life that are available.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
Agreed--talking like that is keeping me honest with myself, too.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
Well done. It's entirely normal to be nervous before speaking in public. That doesn't normally worry the people who are listening in AA, though. What they appreciate is someone who's being honest and can explain to them about the changes in life that are available.
Thanks for a wonderful post.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
My speaking would have been a lot different if I didn't follow that advice. It would've been me, me, me, ego, ego, ego, ego......
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