wshall

I'm having a real hard identifying what the hell is wrong with me. Without going into everything I'll make it quick. I am for sure a alcoholic/drug addict. That was the whole reason I joined this forum. I've struggled with depression for a very long time but not truly felt it's effects until I got sober. My addictions had a very large part of destroying my marriage but was not the whole story. There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with that phase of my life and I understand it's a trigger. But it's been two years since we separated and I got sober so I'm pretty sure it's not the whole problem. Looking back in my life, I was always prone to depression. I always got drunk/high to cover it up.

So I've been battling it off and on but mostly on. These last few years have been torture. I've been on meds and off meds. At one point I was on four different types and it made me actually crazy. The last eight months or so I've been dealing with it on my own. But last month I filed for divorce and it has thrown me into the pits of hell. She was being very verbally abusive at the time of me filing so I didn't think it would effect me the way it is effecting me.

For some reason I will always love her very much but I'm fully aware that we can't be together. So why am I having such a hard time letting go? We have a son together but share custody and he is a very happy boy. He is also a daddy's boy and we have a unbelievable relationship. I'm going to school to become a substance abuse consoler. I have a great job that I've had for the past seven years. So why am I so miserable? I can't identify the problem and I'm the type of person who NEEDS to know why.

Astro

I don't have an answer for why, but I know that recovery is a journey and a long process for me. After 11 years of sobriety the answers to why are still coming and new questions arise too, I'm sure they always will. It's a puzzle that although sometimes painful, I enjoy working on, and I have the fellowship of AA and a loving God to help me through it.

Carpathia

Hi wshall.

Sometimes when I'm feeling miserable and I don't know why, but it just feels like everything is tangled up inside me, I sit down and write a question that seems to address the problem. I type it right on my laptop, right in front of me so I can see it.

I use MS Word. But any sheet of paper or word processing software does the trick; whatever works for you.

And then I wait for my inner self to answer it. I just start typing the answer, trusting that the truth will come out.

This sort of feels like - I don't know how to describe it - almost like breaking myself open.

Most of the time I find what's inside the tangled misery is sadness, loss.

And I allow myself to write what the sadness and loss is about. It's important to articulate the sadness even if, at first, it doesn't make sense, or it seems dark or mean or whatever else seems unacceptable to you. Keep writing. The truth eventually comes out.

And then I might have to stop writing and wail, I mean really sob hard.

But I always feel better afterwards and I have insight.

wshall

I never thought of that. Thank you

Soberpotamus

I, too, found that sadness was at the root of a lot of my unhappiness, misery, anger, and mixed-up feelings. I was incredibly sad about some things in my past. A lot of it was grief.

It takes time to unravel things. Trust the process.

advbike

I have been sober 3 years. I have codependency issues, along with shame and guilt, and worried for years about my ex gf after we separated. This despite the fact that she continued to drink, is often stuck in the victim role, and is verbally abusive when upset or drunk.

Knowing she wasn't good for me I chose to move on. It was very difficult though, because I blamed myself for her problems (as did she, lol), and it took the help of a therapist to see that it wasn't all my fault, was abusive behavior on her part, and not healthy for me.

advbike

Point I was trying to make is a good therapist, especially if knowledgeable about addiction, can be extremely helpful.

wshall

That sounds eerily similar to my situation. I've actually started looking for a counselor. Thank you