Class of December 2015 Pt 6
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Well back from my big lash out on brekky in the sun. It was good to get out in the sunshine and it did lift my mood. I was feeling pretty down.
There is a lot to be said for self efficacy. Just the doing....reading the Budget breakdown was a bit of a downer though. Can't stand Scott Morrison (our Treasurer) he makes me sick.
Good to see you back here sleepie. I'm going to start posting the positive things I have done, or trying to do, and if I make that commitment it might actually see me do it.
There is a lot to be said for self efficacy. Just the doing....reading the Budget breakdown was a bit of a downer though. Can't stand Scott Morrison (our Treasurer) he makes me sick.
Good to see you back here sleepie. I'm going to start posting the positive things I have done, or trying to do, and if I make that commitment it might actually see me do it.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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What is it with sobriety being worse and worse the farther I get?
Anxiety's worse, I am getting worse news about myself (a confirmation of LD), hair pulling disorder is worse. I mean what day do I get to see any payoff at all? I never had pink cloud or anything. Not even a temporary thing just annihilating anxiety and bad news. No great looking skin, as a matter of fact- acne now. No "light in my eyes" nobody telling me I look good. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.
This is always how it goes for me, do something that takes a lot of effort and work on my part and get zero in return. I would not be surprised to be told at my next check up that despite all this abstinence I have liver failure anyway. That would be really typical of my life.
Anxiety's worse, I am getting worse news about myself (a confirmation of LD), hair pulling disorder is worse. I mean what day do I get to see any payoff at all? I never had pink cloud or anything. Not even a temporary thing just annihilating anxiety and bad news. No great looking skin, as a matter of fact- acne now. No "light in my eyes" nobody telling me I look good. Nothing. Zero. Zilch.
This is always how it goes for me, do something that takes a lot of effort and work on my part and get zero in return. I would not be surprised to be told at my next check up that despite all this abstinence I have liver failure anyway. That would be really typical of my life.
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And it's really depressing that abstinence is no guarantee of any kind of health or good life. That documentary that someone kept posting about where some guy who was 10 whole years abstinent and then died of liver failure anyway. I will be a nervous wreck every single day for the rest of my life over that.
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I got in the same lift as ScoMo one time in a Hong Kong hotel, Steely. I edged in before him (I was after all rushing urgently back to the office, he only had to catch a plane to Shanghai for the G20 finance ministers' summit 😁
. I'd better not comment on him or Malcolm as I fear you and I may not exactly be on the same page about them.
I'm about to pick up a car and drive several hours to my dad's house in the back of beyond. Nice to be sober to do it. Over and out for a few hours, Classmates!
. I'd better not comment on him or Malcolm as I fear you and I may not exactly be on the same page about them.I'm about to pick up a car and drive several hours to my dad's house in the back of beyond. Nice to be sober to do it. Over and out for a few hours, Classmates!
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I am dedicated in my coffee research despite my renewed shut in status.
Now MissP and Steely you may be interested in this next bit.
What do I see here, but that Starbucks has a "flat white" on it's menu. So now I must investigate. My many other lovely shops have failed to produce this option.
So I will report back with the data.
Now MissP and Steely you may be interested in this next bit.
What do I see here, but that Starbucks has a "flat white" on it's menu. So now I must investigate. My many other lovely shops have failed to produce this option.
So I will report back with the data.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,524
Oh MissP I'm happy when people have a political view of any kind. Good political dialogue is great, it's how we reach solutions. Besides we are beyond politics here, something I really like, a common cause.
I dunno sleepie, I'm finding it tough at the moment and put it down to the absolute reality of my sobriety and dealing with life on life's terms.
When I was drinking I just blocked everything out and refused to look at my reality. Now that I'm looking it's not all that pretty so makes sense that I would feel depressed.....there are no guarantees in life.
Sobriety does not inure us from the slings and arrows it leaves us just as human and vulnerable as the rest of the human race. The only prize in sobriety is sobriety itself. An authentic life at least.
Trust in the bean sleeps. The bean never lies. The beans have bean there and know.
I dunno sleepie, I'm finding it tough at the moment and put it down to the absolute reality of my sobriety and dealing with life on life's terms.
When I was drinking I just blocked everything out and refused to look at my reality. Now that I'm looking it's not all that pretty so makes sense that I would feel depressed.....there are no guarantees in life.
Sobriety does not inure us from the slings and arrows it leaves us just as human and vulnerable as the rest of the human race. The only prize in sobriety is sobriety itself. An authentic life at least.
Trust in the bean sleeps. The bean never lies. The beans have bean there and know.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
The beans have bean there and know.
LOL
As for authentic living, well, if time and resource allow maybe I can be my authentic self but that is gonna take a whole lotta money, time and some very invested and understanding people. I mean on the one hand I feel I have no right to life much less a good one, on the other I feel I should shamelessly go for broke as I think I got a raw deal, and made it this far after all. In no perfect manner for sure.
What does authentic life look like for you Steely?
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Originally Posted by sleepie 
And it's really depressing that abstinence is no guarantee of any kind of health or good life. .
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Just got home from psychiatrists appointment and need to debrief. I have started to notice the 'what's the point' and 'why bother' thoughts lurking in the back of my mind, underlying everything I do. I gave been dancing around then to avoid the sleeping giant - not working out too much, cleaning too much - anything that when too much energy is expended, I start questioning the worth (or moreso the futility of it all). We are all going to die anyways so putting too much energy or attachment seems like a waste. The meaninglessness of it all. I suppose a classical case of extistential crisis, or as my psychiatrist summed up, a classic sign of depression. Funny enough, I thought I was doing ok other than the growing dance to avoiding the sleeping giant - asking questions that I don't want the answer to. Afterwards I walked back to my car, got in, and just sat there and cried. I'm not sure which is worse - acknowledging and living with the meaningless or knowing that the depression will never really go away. I have dealt with it for almost my entire life so it's not new - but somehow the acknowledgement that it is still there, lurking, has left me hopeless. Then I thought, a bottle of wine would be nice. I drove straight home - I didn't stop - so that is a win. But it seems like throwing a single stone into a canyon. I recognize the life is supposed to be like music - all individual elements coming together to make something new and meaningful. Like a music box. But I can't seem to hear or understand the music. I just keep taking apart the music box and finding nothing.
Sorry - I just needed to get that out. I'll be better tomorrow.
Sorry - I just needed to get that out. I'll be better tomorrow.
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