nimeton

Not really sure why I'm even writing this. I suppose I just want to vent. Overall things are going well, but I'm just getting so damn bored. I used to drink too much and pass the time that way. Nothing better than feeling drunk, nothing kills a day better than sleeping off a hangover and watching the clock until you can drink again at 5.

I started drinking when I was 14 because I was just generally unhappy. I got sober over three years ago, seeing a therapist, exercise a lot now, I'm in much better shape and usually much happier, but I can't shake the feeling that is this it? I'm going to be taking meds for the rest of my life? Sober forever. Sometimes I idealize just getting totally loaded on something really powerful, like heroin maybe, just to have a rush again and not have to think about anything for a night. I've never even done heroin before and don't even know where I would buy it, and I would lose my job, so and and so on. It's a fantasy.

I don't need to be talked down from my tree. I don't miss the hangovers, or being out of shape, or how unhappy I was before I got sober. I'm not on a verge of a relapse. I have self-control, overall things are much much better, but sometimes I really miss the rush. Not knowing what will happen. Not caring because life is short so screw it, let's get drunk.

I was on oxycodone for a little while after I had an extremely painful cracked tooth. I missed it for months after the prescription ran out. I never asked for more, don' t worry, but my point is this desire always going to be there in the back of my skull. Waiting forever for me to screw up...

Can any long-term sober people relate?

Soberwolf

What your describing is AV I don't miss one thing about drinking

Have you got a hobby ? I like to read among other things

dox

nimeton, forever is a long time to be waiting . . .

and yet, if your desire or your denial is going to wait that long, surely that's a good thing.
My desire left me during my first year of sobriety, as a consequence of working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
But my denial seems to be lurking still in the back of my mind 11 years later.

So, I remind myself what it was like, with the help of others such as yourself.

I sometimes think that I'm not alcoholic -- was simply "self-medicating" a pre-existing mental illness.
Those of us who suffer from other mental illnesses sometime forget that, if we drink enough for long enough, we create another problem for ourselves:

alcoholism.

And our alcoholism seems to take on a life of it's own -- cunning, baffling and powerful.
At some point in our struggle to be free we need to start living life; rather than constantly wrestling with that which would kill us.
When I hear, or read here, people who were once in a hopeless state, and now have a positive outlook on life, they all seem to have one thing in common:
They have adopted a programme, or formulated a plan, for their recovery; not just abstinence from their drug-of-choice, but progress and growth as complete human beings.

I chose the programme of AA.
You can read about other recovery programmes here as well.
Or, you can come up with your own plan.

If we simply put down our chemical crutch, we have done nothing to change the person who picked it up in the first instance.
If I hadn't changed, I have no doubt that I would not be here to type this response . . .

Both of my mental illnesses are potentially fatal.
I have heart disease as well.
The old me would have thrice wallowed in self-pity over my state of affairs --
wallowed until I sank in that mire.

The new me is grateful for three recoveries.
And when you think of the alternative(s).
Gratitude is the best response.

It's not easy to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, if you are bored or depressed.
I know from experience.
It takes work to learn new ways.
But, my goodness, is it worth it?

Find out for yourself.

Like most things in life, we only get out of it what we put into it.

Recovery:
when work for it,
we find that we are worth it.

dox

Oh, and like soberwolf says: hobbies, or interests besides recovery are important too.

All work and no play make for a dull existence.

I'm just about to get back into motorcycling, after a 15 year absence.
Got me a fixer-upper.

It helps to have something good to look forward to.

Hope you can relate.

Jsober

I can relate. The mundaneness and routines of life do get old sometimes. I too have fantasies of blotting it out with substances. However I'm with you in that it is just a fantasy. It is not something to play out.
I think acceptance helps. That is what I'm working on along with gratitude. Being grateful for all I have and that I am sober. The alternative is no way to live for guys like me.

nimeton

Yeah, it's better today. My will is strong and, to be honest, until recently I hadn't even thought about this in months. I try to stay busy and exercise, etc.

One thing I didn't mention is I ran into an old friend from my former life recently. It was good to see the person, but it also reminded me of a lot of stuff that I didn't want to think about. It was like ripping off the band aid of an old wound.

I guess I still have more demons to face than I realized.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Bekindalways

Yipppeee demons. Now there's some excitement for you. Irk, just kidding . . . kinda . . but not totally. I seem to have an entire hoard of those guys. I figure that at least they keep me company.

Your post posed some really good thoughts and questions. I'm a codependent depressive so I can't completely relate but I do find life quite the grind specially when the depression is bad.

Here's a bit of a brainstorm. Take it for what it is worth: volunteer, get a dog/cat, take a class, try a new sport, set a challenging goal.

nimeton

Yep, those demons... It was genuinely cool to talk to this person and just because I had a problem doesn't mean they did, so it's not their fault. But it was a trigger of sorts.

"Remember when we did that?" Yeah, that was pretty cool, but you just reminded me of 100 things I'd forgotten.

But perhaps this has a silver lining. Can't run from your past forever, and I'm stronger now than before, so I can deal with it better. It still caught me off guard though and is a reminder that the ****** life I had is only a six-pack away.

But to be honest, some of my drunken times were pretty fun, or I wouldn't have done it. I was more careful around harder stuff, because, you know, that's addictive. I think that's how alcohol sneaks up on you. It took years before I finally woke up one morning and said, "Enough!"

Anyway, it's good to know I'm not the only one like this.