talldude

I have successfully completed one month of sobriety. Last time I was sober this long was Basic Training back in my late 20s.

I do not find that I am struggling so much with needing to drink as I am with trying to restructure the way I look at reality, the social boundaries.

In the bars I drank in or at the parties I attended, the social boundaries were very loose and relaxed. I found it easy to get along in such places because I could just "be myself."

Now that I'm sober, I am finding it quite difficult to establish social boundaries to give me personal space that the alcohol, and most definitely the drugs, kind of did for me. I did not have to think about social boundaries when drunk or high as the boundaries just took care of themselves.

Definitely with the drugs more than the alcohol, I was able to "feel" the space between me and somebody else and negotiate through that to establish a connection and work on deepening that connection. The sober me feels like a social moron at this point in things.

It's humiliating and scary to think that I may never connect with someone at deep levels of intimacy that I had when on the drugs or the booze. If there is a reason why I relapse, that will be the reason, not because I miss the drunks or the highs but because I miss the intimacy afforded me by the drugs and the booze.

Soberwolf

My best advice is at a month I was in the rollercoaster stage of early sobriety I had to stay focused & kept it in the day tomorrow hasn't happened but what will happen is as time goes on you will feel more comfortable in sobriety it's not overnight but trust me things change for the better

I have no time for self pity it's mental self harm & we have both suffered enough give yourself time to heal

I read a great book on boundaries by Ann Katherine called where to draw the line how to set healthy boundaries

If I can help drop a pm

teatreeoil007

Good job on getting sober. The first month can be rather intense and has likely used your energy and concentration. But you are still very early in recovery, so give yourself plenty of time to learn about healthy boundaries. You may actually find out establishing healthy boundaries is better when sober. Your perception is different and will be different as a sober person too; not just your perception about how close you get but also your perception on what is truly healthy.

talldude

Soberwolf, I picked up that book and am enjoying it. Thank you for the recommendation!

Soberwolf

It's a excellent book recommended to me by a good friend I loved reading that book it taught me a lot right when I needed it

SoberCAH

My boundaries are easy - when it comes to my sobriety, I make the rules.

No one else.

If it means I have to miss heavy drinking activities (e.g. bachelor parties), that's not a problem - they will go on nicely without me.

If you get and stay sober, you will be surprised at the real intimacy which develps, particularly by comparison to barroom "friendships".

It's not even close.

Stay with it, amigo.

kittycat3

Do you really think those feelings of connection were genuine? If you were under the influence, I'd say not. Sorry if that's harsh.

I second the above poster, true intimacy will happen if you can stay sober and work on the underlying issues that caused you to abuse drugs.

How's it going?

talldude

Been a while since I visited the board. Approaching 4 months of sobriety and am doing better with the social boundaries thing. Feeling the boundaries is challenging at times as I seem to be so focused on trying to follow the conversation that I cannot focus on what I'm feeling.

kittycat3, the feelings of connection felt real at the time, just like the first time I thought I was in love felt real too. lol I get your point though. I was bonding with the drugs, not with the people. It was a way for me and my druggie friends to stay strangers without truly bonding with each other. I look forward to intimacy although I have no idea how to get there. lol

SoberCAH

Very well put, Talldude.

I didn't have intimacy at all in bars.

I only thought I did.

geldofc

i think the boundaries you talk about when on drugs allows you to connect with fellow drug users often.