Riverbird

I have what I feel like is one of my biggest amends left to make, and I feel ready to do it, but the people involved aren't interested in hearing it. It's not that they don't want to hear from me. They've already approached me and said they're impressed with the change they've seen in me and they want to reconnect. The problem is that whenever I try to bring up the past they say that they're just glad I'm here now and ok, so let's not dredge up the past anymore. To me this still feels like the great big elephant in the room whenever I'm around them. It's the main source of my guilt and shame these days. I really want to talk about it with them so I can move past it. But if they've stated that they're not interested in hearing it, then it becomes selfish for me to continue to ask them, right? They've said that what's important to them is that I'm here with them now, but it's very hard for me to be with them without being able to talk through the past stuff. So what do I do? They're very important people in my life and I definitely don't want to risk losing the relationships again.

least

If they've made it plain they don't want to hear it, I wouldn't bother them with it now.

Tommyh

I would suggest leaving it as it is for now and one day try again when you feel like it is time.Apparently they are ok with you being sober and they want you back in their lives now.Give it time

Gottalife

The Big Book says something like "they will be more interested in a demonstration of your new way of living..."

Amends is about them, not us. We ask forgiveness and what we can do to set matters straight. In this case it sounds very much like they have forgiven you and consider that if you stay on this path, that will be adequate amends. A living amends if you like. (It is really up to them what the amneds shall be).

If at some future point they feel it would be benficial to them to go over past events, you can always hold yourself ready to do that. But in my experience, most people a very forgiving and genuinely pleased when one of us manages to turn our life around.

DoubleBarrel

It's not supposed to be your "thing". It's about making amends to THEM. You should have no preconceived notions about how it's going to go, and it's not for YOU to feel better. It's about them and how your behaviour affected them. If they say leave it alone, leave it alone.

stevieg46

Seems like you want to do it your way , they seem to have accepted you and your new way of life in the past , your deeds and behavior , if not satisfied with this then write them a letter pour it all out if that makes ''you'' feel better ,but it is not all about you . take care .

Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

sugarbear1

"They're very important people in my life and I definitely don't want to risk losing the relationships again."

Be the best friend you can be for them. Don't make it about you anymore!

Riverbird

Thanks everyone. What you're saying makes sense, but I have a couple of questions. First, how do I get rid of the guilt and shame from what I did? With my other amends, that happened when I was able to honestly clear the air and give a genuine apology. I get that the amends are for them, not for me, but in a sense they are for me because the book says repeatedly that clearing up the past is a part of staying sober. It's not that I think I'm going to drink over this, but as it stands now it feels like it's still hanging over me. Maybe this is less step 9 related, but how do I move past this and let it go.

Also, do I just take them at their word that they're not interested in hearing it? They're the types of people that will say, "Don't worry about it" to spare someone else's feelings. I know I have no say in how someone else feels, but if they're still holding on to this on some level I can see it coming back to bite me later. But maybe that's me being overly worried or over-thinking? (Or imagining that everyone else thinks/acts the way I used to...holding on to grudges for forever to pull them out when angry about something else...lol).

stevieg46

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Hi Riverbird .

Maybe I see the 12 step program a bit differently ? once I discovered what I was suffering from (doctors opinion ) and admitted and accepted step 1, I came to the realization that I could not manage my own life especially with old ideas Step 2 , 3rd Step was difficult for me but it worked for me when I finally looked at God in a Spiritual not religious manner .

My take on the 3 rd Step is that in making a decision to turn over ''entirely every single thing in regard to my thought word and deed and do so 100% '' firstly alcoholism is an illness I took it and it took me and alcohol in me contributed in causing other folks harm in one way or another , it is not an excuse to say alcohol was responsible or played a big part in causes and effects , it is a fact

3rd step meant I handed over all guilt I carried it was to be a ''new beginning '' I now had a new ''Managing Director and I was his Assistant '' GOD as I understand Him forgives us, that is what is meant to happen when we turn ''everything over '' it also gave me the ability to forgive myself for my actions and to forgive others for what I had against them . These are not excuses that is how the program works .

3rd Step (if taken in this manner ? ) is the ''KEY '' to the entire program , it removes all fear and gives us blind faith and confidence and trust in God ( no human power can relieve our alcoholism ) it sets us up for to be fearless and thorough in Step 4 , it gives us the ability strength and confidence to share ''everything '' in Step 5 , we find our Defects and Shortcomings in 6 and 7 , it gives us a list of amends to be made in 8 and 9
Directly or willingness to make amends to others except when to do so would injure them or others , it matters little if our amends are not accepted by others it is our ''willingness '' that all came from handing over ''Everything in 3RD Step '' .

Ask yourself why cant you forgive yourself ? God forgave you in 3 rd Step ''if done in the manner I have explained .

This is my experience and it bore fruit which eventually led to an ''Awakening '' maybe you see it differently ? but whatever way you see it ?it does not seem to be working out , we can start again anytime why not revisit Step 3 , my two cents is that you seem to be running the show ? that ''did not work for me '' take care .

Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

Gottalife

Well, there is the bit about being hard on ourselves and always considerate of others. Prayer seems the obvious solution. It looks like you've done your part as best you can. The outcome was always in God's hands, and, as amends go, this one went pretty well. There's no need to beat yourself up.
If God thought you should be suffering, He would have arranged something.

So what is His will for you? Maybe, and I'm only guessing, its to carry on living in steps 10,11 and 12, and be an example of His power in the lives of those around you.

God bless

tomsteve

forgive yourself,riverbird.

Usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit.

There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could.


It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let by-gones be by-gones.

they have decided to let by-gones be by-gones. now you have to.

is it your will or your HP's will your trying to do?
let it go and turn your thinking to something more useful.

tomsteve

"I know I have no say in how someone else feels, but if they're still holding on to this on some level I can see it coming back to bite me later."

IF theyre holding onto it, thats their problem. you have done what you can so the only way it can "bite me later" is by you allowing it to, which youve done what you can. they dont want to hear what ya want to say, its not on you anymore. you have done what you can to sweep off your side of the street.