Dee74

Part One is here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2015-a-20.html

D

Applekat

I'm back. I don't know why I torture myself. Day 1 and I need to get a couple days back under my belt before Saturday because I don't think I can make it through then - hosting a surprise milestone bday. I feel like I need the drinks - pre-party drinks - just for the energy. Did anyone else drink for the energy sometimes? So stupid - most people will joke that a glass of wine makes them so sleepy (ha.ha.). But I could clean my house and fold laundry and go go go with a few glasses of wine. Ugh! Again, the torture. Sometimes I feel like I am punishing myself for some unknown...

Dee74

Welcome back Applekat

It helped me to think of things this way - maybe it will help you too?


I realised that what I was calling energy was actually me - the addict - getting my fix.

It wasn't a good thing that alcohol 'gave me energy' - it was a very bad thing because it showed graphically how far my addiction had progressed....

without alcohol I was becoming more and more like a limp rag.

You need to fight this applekat - give it all you have, ok?

D

SleepyDots

Good to see you, Applekat. I myself am back on Day 3. I have had that surge of energy when drinking but for me it only lasts an hour or so then I totally crash and lose all motivation and completing the smallest task becomes like trying to scale Mt Everest. Then I don't sleep well that night and am exhausted and irritable all the next day. It's definitely a steep price to pay for a fleeting burst of energy. Even now at just Day 3 I feel so much more motivated to do what I need to do, yesterday I was checking off items on my To-do list like crazy. And drinking really scrambles my brain so I feel like I'm mostly just running around like a chicken with my head cut off, when sober I feel much more calm and capable.

Highwind

Day 5 today, hopefully that means all alcohol fully out of my system now. Have a good sober day all.

Applekat

Thanks Dee, Sleepy.

I felt different last night/this morning. Very close to crying about this roller coaster, which I haven't done. I didn't over do it, nothing special...I'm just sad and disappointed in myself.

I hope this is a shift in the right direction. I hope I can skip the vino at Saturday's party.

hpdw

I hope you guys Applekat and Highwind get stronger each day .

I have work issues at the moment and yesterday felt angry and resentful at my employer for using their power to bully us by not paying us bank holiday rates over Christmas / new year . I am rostered on 23 24.25.26 Dec , then 31st Dec ,1,2,3 Jan .
I am so very much a Christmas person but will be working the thought of which was making me sad enough but now they dropped the bombshell yesterday saying they wont pay us x2 normal rate .
I had a rotten sleep because I went to bed thinking how much I hated them , the powers that be .
I don't like myself when my emotions run haywire like this as I am normally quite forgiving . I just don't like bullies or smart arse HR managers .

I kind of take things too personally at times , I feel a feeling of hurt and self pity like that lost little boy and know its irrational .

Sorry if this is negative , I know this feeling will pass .

T

Neverthought

I absolutely drank for the energy. It would pick me up and make me think clearly. I'd be sharp.

My last big party "a class reunion amongst old-close friends was November 27th". I brought a bottle of Jameson. One of my friends was taking shots at me and sort making jokes that I brought a bottle (he's a dick anyway). I drank 1/2 of it in 8 hours. I was the only one making sense at the end of the night. The majority could hardly talk. I was sort of laughing to myself thinking "now, look at you people". Though I realize that is childish and I realize the repercussions on how I got to that point which is really kind of sad.

But where I grew up, that's what we did and that is what they still do (I moved away and started a family, and I'm so glad I did)

So, that is just some insight how I've learned how to cope and drink without ever getting hammered. I don't black out, I actually learned to control it. I've also learned to take 2 to 3 days off during the week. But there is always that one day about (1) to (3) times a month where it would catch up to me. And they are time(s) when I realized, I'm going nowhere and fast. Plus, I felt the toll it's taking, mentally and physically.

But to answer your question, YES, Alcohol (good whiskey) has a unique effect on me and apparently you as well. But in time and I know from experience we will get that confidence and energy back naturally!

Personally, I think it's very difficult to quit for me, you and many others that fall into this category. But rest assured it is all smoke and mirrors. My wife said to me last evening, "boy you're funny today and in a good mood". Look just we don't need it!!!

ubntubnt

Thomas is that legal?

Neverthought

I just read what you wrote after reply to Applekat.

As you can see Dee very similar pattern with me too. Thanks for sharing.

Neverthought

I would say it is HW. I always have that same question. OK, I'm free and clear. Also, not having any empty bottles in the recycling been is a great feeling too.

Right now, I'm free of both and soon you will too.

ubntubnt

I hear you AK. With the holidays coming up, is it time for you to back up a little and rethink your sober strategy. See where it is breaking down and what is missing? I used to drinker energy all the time but its like withdrawing cash when you are already overdrawn, it just puts you further into the red.

Applekat

Thanks NT, UBN, everyone.
Throwing this surprise party plus getting Christmas together for three little kids and all family is EXHAUSTING. I don't sleep at night as it is, with kiddos. I have to find ways to be kinder to myself.

SleepyDots

Thomas - Ugh, that is maddening. It's not irrational at all just know that drinking won't make the situation any better, you know? My husband's work owes him a pretty hefty chunk of change from this summer that they are taking their sweet time paying out and it's infuriating. When I think about it honestly it does trigger me to want to drink b/c alcohol is pretty much my only coping mechanism to deal with frustration and anger but I have to figure out other ways to deal with my emotions.

Applekat - My starting over wasn't due to anything crazy either. I had one glass of wine two nights in a row. All while doing it I felt that inner voice yelling at me not to do it but I did and I feel really disappointed in myself. We can't change the past, however, we can only move forward. I know you can get through the party sober and think about how good you will feel about yourself once it's over!

hpdw

ubntubnt , Sleepydots Thanks .
We are going to find out if they can do this .

I cant have my mood going down near the break which is actually between Christmas and New year .

I think the alcohol has left me with a feeling on not being so on top of the situation like I used to .

Upwards and onwards though ,I'm not staying in this low mood as I know if I do it will feed other unwanted thoughts .

Looking at the bigger picture I at least have a job and i'm sober .

SleepyDots

Applekat - I totally hear you! We have so many things going on with our house - renovations and issues that keep coming up in an older house, plus everyday life with 3 kids - meals, appointments, activities, birthday parties, then add onto that Christmas.... My husband is frequently gone so I feel like pretty much everything falls on me and it is completely exhausting! I just wanted you to know that I can completely relate.

ubntubnt

You also have 4 days off in between. I will be in China where there is no xmas and my family in Ireland. You are doing fine....make the most of it and stay sober. I am fine also. Lets stay positive and celebrate what we have.

CuteNGayYay

Hello everyone. Just checking in Day 9. Work has been keeping me busy. Glad to see people who fell off come right back. Stay strong today class.

hpdw

ubntubnt your a Star , i,m delighted your doing well .

You are fine , I am fine

Life is fine a day at a time SOBER .

julesonya

my doctor said that the sugar in alcohol is what gives us that energy spike. He also encourages eating whatever to take that sugar craving away, even if its candy. It makes sense, we drink, our body metabolizes it & the dopamine hits the roof. Its no wonder when I have a drink I cant sleep. So then I drink more to pass out so I get some sleep. So stupid