JD

I'm looking for others experiences with depression and anxiety after getting sober. I've suffered mostly from depression with some anxiety since my teen years. I started just about daily drinking in my 20's and I'm currently 57. My drinking pattern has been heavy, 4 to 6 beers after work and more on the weekends, but never a binge or all day drinker.

I started doing mindful meditation about three months ago and that's helped a lot with the anxiety but the depression continues. I've been on many meds over the years for depression but have currently been off them for about a year. I'm currently 82 days sober and giving myself to 90 days and then evaluating whether I should go back on meds or not. Right now I have about 2 good days a week where I don't feel the depression and 5 where I do. It's not debilitating but just not a good way to live life. Also, I'm not expecting the depression to magically go away in sobriety.

I'm not looking for medical advice but just others experience.

biminiblue

I think depression has often been a part of my life. I tend to hold on to things for way too long.

Since I got sober this time (21 months) I've spent a lot of time reading and thinking about how to maintain a positive attitude and how to protect myself from negative thinking. I've filled my mind with scripture, positive affirmations, empowering thoughts. I pray a lot. I try to be mindful of what thoughts I am having and how I physically react to those thoughts.

Is there anything I can do about XXX? If so, I try to do it.

Am I ruminating about the past? Well, that's not helpful - the past is over and done. Move on.

Am I worrying about the future? Is there some particular thing I'm worried about? Do I really have any control over it? If so, work toward resolving it one day at a time.

Am I over-thinking? Stop! ( I mean, I literally say, "Stop!" - out loud if necessary.)

Am I angry or resentful about something someone else has done? I pray for release from that resentment and pray for that person's success and happiness.


There is a lot that can be done to switch off the negative thinking. Keep searching. My life has done a 180 since I started mindfully paying attention to my thoughts.

LiveInPeace

My experience has been very similar to biminiblue's experience. I'm going to try hard to just share my experience and strength and not my opinion, because I've been sharing way too much of my opinion on SR. :-(

I've suffered from depression and anxiety since childhood. I've been in and out of therapy, on and off meds, since my 20s. I found that working the steps in AA along with a therapist who pushed me when I was finally ready to get real, was synergistic. It's what worked for me. I tried external stuff--exercise, eating right, changing jobs, changing careers, reading self-improvement books, but it wasn't until I started to learn more about how to be aware of my thoughts and not try to run away from them, that I started to get a handle on my depression and anxiety.

I still struggle with figuring out how to stop trying to neutralize my thoughts, but I'm working on it with my therapist, who is also an addictions specialist.

Here's an example: Last night, I went to a music concert by myself. My husband had a work deadline so I knew when I bought my ticket that he wouldn't be able to go. The old me would've gone right into self-pity, self-wallowing, depression over this, as well as anxiety over figuring out where this place was, finding parking, what will people think of me that I'm going to a show by myself, I hope I'm dressed okay, is that lady on the bathroom line staring at my worn out boots, I'm such a loser, poor me, poor me, pour me...

Instead, I connected with my higher power (this is what works for me) and decided that I was going to enjoy the music and not care about anyone else's opinions around me. I wasn't going to worry about things out of my control, like traffic, parking, lines at the bathroom, etc.

I read Step 10 and 11 in my purse-size big book in the car once I parked and that helped too. Again, just sharing my experience, I know not everyone here does AA. It's great there are other programs that other people find helpful.

This way of thinking is so new for me, and for the most part, it works. My depressive and anxious thoughts were all I knew; all I lived. It was my normal; I knew no different. When I started to learn how to become more aware of my thoughts, and how to respond to my thoughts and not feed into them, things started to change.

I still take meds because whenever I try to go off of them, my neurological system malfunctions. I can't control the side effects when I'm on them, so it's no use getting more anxious over them or over what could happen long term. For me, the benefits outweigh the risks. I try not to focus on how much I hate being on an SSRI and just deal with it.

When I try to live in the present moment, that helps my anxiety and depression greatly. It hasn't been easy for me to do, but I notice when I do meditate or do meditative hobbies, my thoughts can come in and float out without my getting attached to them. I don't meditate nearly enough as I should, though. Also, practicing mindfulness has helped greatly too.

I spent my life utterly consumed by depressive and anxious thoughts. I had no idea just how much, until I felt clear-headed after my Step 5. Now I am just trying to work to hold onto that present moment living.

My therapist told me that stuff is still going to happen. I used to think that in sobriety, my life would be blissful and everything would be wonderful. But it's been all about learning to eb and flow with stuff. Not easy for me to do, but I'm taking baby steps, although I still have fear being around people now, and getting out and living again, authentically, without all my defense mechanisms.

Last year I went to a going away party with an open bar. I didn't even know how to order a sparkling water with lime so I stumbled on that a bit (I didn't know the brand name people order it by or do I order seltzer or what) worried what the bartender thought of me for not ordering a drink, but let that go. It was the first time I just sort of took everything in and observed, and was okay with that. It was peaceful. I wasn't seeking attention; I wasn't "on". I was just there in the present moment. Depression and anxiety don't seem to exist for me in the present moment.

Something's working, because my husband has pointed out times when I am not reacting in anxiety, that I used to react in anxiety. I do feel more calm and level-headed when I try to focus on me and my reactions and responses to life.

The other thing that's helped me, although it's been moving at a snail's pace, is my therapist is trying to help me label my feelings, and feel them. I am struggling a lot with understanding how to do this. The other day, I was frustrated about something, and my husband kept asking me "What are you feeling about it?" I have to say, that was new for me, and our conversation took an entirely different feel, and it was actually helpful. Instead of just verbalizing what the person did, I was able to verbalize how it made me feel. My entire tone of voice changed, and the feel of the conversation shifted.

Lastly, the best thing that's helped my depression has been in developing a belief that God loves me, He is my parent who loves me unconditionally, forgives me, wants the best for me, doesn't want me to have low self-worth, and is there for me when bad stuff happens to carry me and give me strength. Sorry if the God stuff offends anyone, (it used to offend me, I get it) but this has been key for me, what can I say.

I needed to learn that all the negative tapes from childhood that I was "programmed" to believe, were from sick parents, and God is my healthy parent. That's what works for me. It helps me to think of God as not a punishing God, and one who doesn't want bad stuff to happen to anyone. Well that there is my opinion, but it's been my experience that having that opinion has helped me not feel depressed, if that makes sense.

For anxiety, The Serenity Prayer (letting go of what I can't change, realizing that the only thing I can change is me and my responses to life) has helped me tremendously. I think once I figured out that no matter how anxious I get about something, that's not going to give me any more control over the situation, I was able to let some of that anxiety go.

Lastly, it's been my experience that people who really get how to "just be", don't seem to suffer from depression and anxiety.

I wrote a lot--I'm not very good at putting my thoughts together concisely. :-( I hope this post is still helpful.

~RIP Scott Weiland~

Soberwolf

I'm 33 and I only tried meds for the first time this year my experience is of the last 6 months I'm a lot better than I was

I started on setraline & I didn't like the effect of it so under strict supervision from my GP & lots of talking about it I changed to Venlafaxine which was a nightmare from the off I was getting constant migraines neckaches which made me grumpy & irritable & after a couple months I spoke with my Dr & explained she asked me to try another month which I did

No change so now I'm on a low dose of celexa (10mg) which seems to be working well 3 weeks in

I'm also doing cbt which is basically goal setting & breaking cycles

Today's cbt wasn't easy but I got through it & know it will help I have a good therapist my instinct tells me she wants to help me

Keep up the good work Jd

Bekindalways

Thanks for the thread Jd.

Bimini, I like what you said about trying to do whatever it is that helps. However this is hard for me as I am a sluggish kind of depressive so exercise helps but getting my butt off the couch/bed/chair is difficult.

Liveinpeace, I'm with you on the God thing. Personally I believe in God 'cause it helps me; this makes me a poor evangelist. I usually counter the God-is-crutch argument with, "I am not nearly that healthy; God is more of a wheelchair or stretcher for me."

Okay, I'm going to draft off of you good people and take my dragging butt for a 10 min run. Keep thinking, trying, and doing folks!

biminiblue

BeKindAlways, One day at the gym I saw a lady's gym bag wit this printed on it, "Move and your heart will follow."

Bekindalways

Yes!!!!!

JD

Thanks everyone, and I hope this thread continues.

As I stated in OP I'm kind of evaluating whether I should go back on the meds. And I guess the reason I'm hesitating is I've been on many different ones over the years. They work for awhile and then don't work as well. Though, with that said, I was also drinking to self medicate and I'm sure that didn't help. My hesitation is the side effects. I've suffered sexual side effects, insomnia, and restless legs depending on what I was on. I also didn't like the withdrawal from them. Right now I'm sleeping great and changing that is probably my biggest fear.

To help stay sober and hopefully help the depression I'm also:

• Exercising 6 times a week, 3 cardio and 3 weights
• The meditation I mentioned
• I'm pretty introspective and work on my thoughts, cbt type work
• I usually run through a gratitude list before I go to bed
• And, I'm working on loving myself more

But with all that said the depression is there. And I know, I'm very early in sobriety so maybe it's a year or two of work to do and then, maybe, I'll see some results.

Sorry, I'm really just thinking out loud here. I'll probably continue to do that as this is good as any place.

biminiblue

I've taken meds in the past and I'm not willing to live with the side effects, plus I have some genetic metabolic issues that make antidepressants and/or SSRIs not an option. Benzos I won't take again because I think they gave me that feeling of drinking and I picked up after 18 years sober just a few months into taking a prescription benzo, so not going back there.

I don't know how much sober time you have, but my depression gradually went away by working through the thoughts I have, as I stated on my first post in this thread. My depression was fueled by negative thinking of all sorts. That can be changed! It's been really cool for me. At about one year sober I felt really stable and capable of handling life again. I wish that for you as well. Definitely keep talking and keep writing. It all helps.

Bekindalways

Jd, I love lists so thanks for posting this one.

Congrats on getting that kind of exercise into your life. That is tremendous.

I write a Done List everyday. This forces me to look at what I have accomplished everyday and alters my self-perception.

teatreeoil007

I've struggled with depression off and on starting in roughly 2004. There's times when it's better and times when it's worse. I don't rightly know if it's connected to drinking or sobriety as the first time it hit bad, in 2008 I wasn't drinking at all...!

So, in 2008 I FINALLY went to my Dr. and just told him, "I'm depressed and I need help." Why is it so hard to say that and ask for help? I don't know, but I am getting better at it. I have to say that in my case medication (anti-depressants) was VERY helpful, but I also did other things in my life to feel better such as exercise and just doing something I enjoy. The thing about depression that can be so debilitating is that the person no longer receives much joy in their life; they cannot seem to "see" the bright side....they don't derive joy and satisfaction from things they once were passionate about.

One thing about sobriety and depression and here is a thought I had: Perhaps it is that when a person becomes sober they are finally able to take a clear-headed look at how they REALLY feel MINUS mind-altering substances.

Anyway-thx for starting this thread. IMO it is an important issue/topic.

Bekindalways

I've struggled with depression for almost 35 years; I'm 52 Unfortunately/fortunately, (I'm not sure which) it doesn't seem to be affected by drinking or not drinking. My depression is treatable with an SSI but apparently not curable. Someday science may develop something.

I remember reading that Bill Wilson of AA fame was a depressive. His depression continued for some 15 years after he got sober. He spent a lot of time walking when things were bad for him.

I do hope I am not discouraging any of you. It is quite the burden to carry. Over the decades I have acquired many tools to deal with the bad days and I am grateful for this. Different things work for different folks. Counselors have not helped me much and I think I've seen some good ones. Medication and exercise seem to be the most successful treatment available for depression.

JD

Well, the depression still continues and I'm going to take the next step and look at going back on the meds. I have an appointment next Wed to see the doc.

One thing that I'm continuing to get better at is mindfulness. At most times I'm able to separate the thoughts and events from the feelings and emotions. This has been very helpful during stressful times, mostly work related. But I still have an underlying down mood that I can't get to. It doesn't seem to be directly related to anything specific. Or maybe it's something buried so deep that I haven't found it yet.

For anyone considering mindfulness, I highly recommend it. It really does work. I've been doing daily mindful meditation for about 3 months now. Usually 15 minutes, once a day. It does take a bit of practice to really start to see the benefits.

There are apps (free) out there for your phone or tablet. Most of them have about a 10 day practice routine that talks you through the meditation. The one I have also a timed meditation feature where you can set the time length. That's what I use now and it also has sounds of rain on leaves. All the apps want you to buy their service but I have yet seen the need to do that.

EternalNow

My doc just changed my meds but none of them has ever worked for me. My depression has always been with me, drinking or not drinking, meds or no meds, never better never worse. I like that line in the Mel Brooks movie "Life Stinks" where Leslie Ann Warren, a depress d homeless woman, goes off on the 'advantages' of depression as a state of mind, because "you can count on it". Oh well, it's another day.

teatreeoil007

There are some things in my life right that I sort of consider my "lifeline" for sanity. Helps with depression and other issues. Helps to cope with stress.

It seems like to me : the same things that could 'drive a person to drink' are the same things that can feed into depression. There is also the genetic component of addiction and depression.

I watched my dad stop drinking in his forties, but never FULLY dealt with all the issues. He functioned pretty well; worked and provided and took care of things and he was there; he was there. But despite all of the above, there was still that underlying depression which showed forth mainly in the form of irritability, grouchiness and sometimes agitation. The agitation part may have been part of his aging brain as he got older, but I do believe it was also part of the underlying issues that plagued him for much of his life.

How HE coped: Well, he would never even THINK of taking medication. It was against his "code of honor", which means a person just toughs it out and makes the best of things.

From what I could tell, he COPED by doing things he enjoyed; things he got JOY from. Family, music, outdoors, reading. He also loved good food and sweets, but never had a weight problem. He also eventually surrendered to God and that brought him PEACE. Did he continue to struggle? Yes, until the day he died.

I'm not writing about my dad to steer people away from meds. I am in favor of meds, personally. But I do realize there are people who will not take meds; my dad was one of them.

LiveInPeace

Soberwolf, what is cbt exactly? Sometimes I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere in therapy and have no set goals there. I wonder if something like cbt would give more organization to therapy sessions?

LiveInPeace

How do you do this?

EternalNow

Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I have lots of questions about this.

JD

Sorry I missed this until now. Look into mindful meditation. There are apps for your phone or tablet and many you tube videos. These all have some instructional meditations that talk you through the meditation.

Mindful meditation teaches you how to just observe your thoughts without giving them any weight or thinking too much about them. Once you learn this you can being to see thoughts as just that and not (or at least less) put the feelings and emotions to them. It'll take awhile of practicing the mindful meditation.

I do 15 minutes of meditation every morning and have been doing it about 4 months now.

Soberwolf

Hi LiveInPeace CBT can be arranged through your GP if your uk I don't know if you sort it out with Dr's in other countries

here's a link

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) - How it works - NHS Choices