helpimalive

I have an issue that is only related to my drinking in that, when I drink heavily, I do this thing more often. When I first stop drinking, it goes away too.

But it's like it's own compulsion as well, I think, because now that I haven't been drinking in a little while, it's getting worse again, like to compensate I guess. Like I have to be doing something to hurt myself.

I wanted to see if anyone relates ...

The thing is this. For about fifteen years now I have obsessively picked at the skin of my face for at least a few minutes every day, but usually longer.

My face is disfigured now; there are so many scars upon scars that my whole face is the texture of asphalt.

I will never look normal again. I can pass sometimes, with heavy makeup and dim light, but that's it. A child who saw me without makeup once asked me why my face was "melting."

But I still want to stop doing it.

So I thought maybe I'd post, see if anyone else wants to join a thread maybe for accountability on stopping some form of self harm? Or am I the only one around?

Astro

I'm not sure I'd want to start a thread about it, just being honest, but there might be other members who would.

I can certainly relate to this though, it's part of my past. As a child I used to twist a pencil into my hair until the hair pulled out. I had patches all over my head. My parents took me to a doctor and he diagnosed it as a form of anxiety. My elderly father picks at skin on his arms mostly, but also anywhere else on his body. Most days he has several bandages where he's picked until it bled. He's an active alcoholic with dementia, his life gives me a daily look at untreated alcoholism.

I'll be interested to see what experience other members can share. I know that self mutilation is not usual.

grizzlybearblue

I've done that too. Mostly while I was on a lot of drugs or withdrawing, but also when I'd get really drunk. I'm definitely not as bad about it now (I used to do it for hours at a time), but I still feel compelled to do it several times a month. The damage I've done drives me crazy now. It's like natural sunlight is my enemy : ( I've managed to get a lot of things back to normal after all of my addictions, but my face will never be the same, and it really bothers me. I tell myself that after saving the money from not drinking for awhile, I can get that CO2 laser treatment. That's a long time away though...

helpimalive

Really?! You've done that? That's crazy ... I really figured I'd get no responses.

I do the same thing tho, hoping the money I save sober can get me some treatment. I've heard that there's injections now that are permanent for indented scars (which is mostly what I personally have), and that gives me hope.

My biggest complaint problem is I still do it, though. I try not to, but it's as hard for me to stop this as anything :/

grizzlybearblue

I know what you mean, it really is a compulsion : ( I've heard that's there's actually a medical term for it because it's considered a disorder, like a mental illness. It's easier said than done to just not do!
I can't figure out if other people notice it about me as much as I do. On one hand, I'm like well I fixate on it because I know it's there. On the other hand, I think yeah right, of course they notice it! I really can't figure it out, but it is something I do wonder.
I haven't heard of the injections, but I'm glad you said that! I will check into that. It's something I never bring up with anybody else because I'm embarrassed and think they will think I'm crazy, but I am so glad to know I'm not alone in this. Thanks Help : )

DG0409

I can't relate to the particulars, but I can relate with the self-harm in general.

I know for me, it was a way to deal with tough emotions- anger, sadness, frustration, feeling unimportant and worthless to the people around me, etc.

You're really not alone with experiencing this sort of stuff. But it IS possible to recover from it.

It helps me to really focus on dealing with the feelings that I have in healthy ways and doing things to cut down on anxiety and stress. A lot of it is basic stuff like healthy eating, getting exercise and sunlight and plenty of sleep, etc. And while doing those things is basic, that doesn't necessarily mean simple or easy, especially if you're feeling bad.

I know the lasting scars is a tough thing to have to deal with. I don't have any on my face, but I've got plenty elsewhere. I can only imagine how much worse that is for you. I think saving up money for repairing what you can is a wonderful idea. I too have thought about getting something done to get the worst of my scars removed- it would be nice to be able to wear short-sleeves to work! But it's been a long time and I go weeks without thinking about them or worrying about them.

How are things for you otherwise? Are you feeling a lot of anxiety or depression? What are you doing for your recovery from alcohol?

Lyoness

There are several names for this condition, one of which is dermatillomania, and it's similar to hair pulling or trichotillomania. I have this, too, ever since I was a small child. I definitely experience it as obsessive and compulsive and I do have OCD. I've looked it up online, there's lots of info and even forums dealing with this.

I have a lit of scars, too, mostly on my arms but elsewhere too. And I wonder how much people notice them, they seem way obvious to me at times and not so bad others. My problem is doubled, though, because I'm a cutter, too, so I cut then pick. Its a terrible cycle.

I haven't found much to help but covering the scabs with a bandage or gloves if it's on my hands helps. Also rubbing salve on my sores when I want to pick helps sometimes and aids healing.

You're definitely not alone in this.

There's an old thread on this topic that I started a couple of years ago, you might want to check it out too.

LiveInPeace

As a child and teen I used to pick scabs from cuts. I found it soothing and it gave me something to focus on. It helped drown out the horrendous verbal abuse that was living on taking up space in my head.

My sponsor recently had me realize what other things besides my addiction that I am powerless over.

My first thought in reading this thread was, be kind to yourself. My second thought was, treat your self-injury like you treat your alcoholism/addiction. You are powerless over it. Ask God for the power to help you.

If wearing makeup makes you feel better, than wear makeup. But I wouldn't let a comment from a child get to me. She's just a child and doesn't understand. I'd let that go. Know you are beautiful and loved just because you are a child of God.

Also I know it's easier said than done, by my sponsor taught me to realize when I am in fear of other people's opinions. I'm to ask God to remove the fear and direct my attention to His will. I am to let go of other people's opinions and know that only God's opinion of me matters and He loves me unconditionally. I hope that helps.

Lastly, I remember seeing something online about a teacher who started some a non-profit group, where teens who cut/self-injured would draw red butterflies on their wrists as reminders to be kind and loving to themselves. Maybe you can google that and find more info. It seemed to really help them. It was a beautiful story.