MidnightBlue

Hi, secular friends.

I am 3 years sober. Tired. And on feel like on the verge of nervous breakdown.

I've decided to whine here, because if someone out of good intentions will advice me to "try to turn to Jesus because I seem to have anything to lose" or "to be grateful for what I have" I can't guarantee I will be able to keep my cool. I do get it about being grateful - my logic gets, my heart doesn't. Let alone my nervous systems doesn't care a darn about who's' in worst place - it doesn't bring consolation, it adds up sadness. I got my share of s*** in life, big time. I just want a break.

It's been extremely hard year for me, preceded by a stretch of not less stressful and hard years.

This year, among other things - total financial breakdown with no money to buy food, banks on my back, chicken pox, dental issues with constantly bleeding gum and no money to fix it, and so on. 4 months ago I finally got a job and every day I am afraid to get fired - just because I am hell scared I won't be able to buy food again.

And all this time a rare thought occurred to me that all this may be taxating on my nervous system. That it is by far not normal way to live.

Today I made a mistake at work (nothing big) and it threw me out of balance, and when I came home I crashed.

I feel apathetic. I am torn apart between not moving forward in my life and lack of inner fire to ignite my power to achieve my goals.

Sometimes I think that taking it very easy will be the best way to start - but I don't know how to do it. On weekend I can decide on this, but workweek starts - and here I go freaking out again. My job implies my regular communication with bosses, and I have to be ready for this, including to look at least ok, and sometimes I am so depressed and drained out of energy that I just don't care how I look. And if I have to face the boss like this , I feel like sinking through the floor.

Sorry for this hectic whining. It's' late, I am tired and afraid to wake up tomorrow - because I will start beating myself up for skipping workout, eating comforting food and watching moovies instead of doing something productive.

I just can't stand myself vs. myself anymore. I am lost to where give myself a kick in the arse, and where to cut slack. I am whipping myself to the state when I collapse on the ground and can't move any more. And then promise I will be kinder to myself. But once I recover the circle repeats.

I am not sure what kind of advice I want to get (if you have some ideas - they will be extremely welcome).

I just want to let it out. Because sometime it's damn hard to be strong.

Thank you all for listening.

And have a great weekend .

beautifulpines

I know well of what you describe -

Time2Rise

Have you ever tried Mindful meditation Midnight? It's simple to learn and start. I've been dealing with some similar issues financially, and the meditation helps me to keep from worrying too much about the future, and it has helped me to find some emotional balance. Also, if you knew me, you wouldn't think I'm the type of guy to meditate, but I was so sick of being an emotional basket case, I was willing to give it a try. I'm glad I did.

I'm new to the practice myself, but this is the article that I used to get started: Five Steps to Mindfulness - Mindful

And feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Dee74

When I look back at how I used to treat myself, it was abusive really. I berated myself for every little flaw and every little 'failure -' it's an exhausting way to live.

A counsellor set me on the right track by suggesting I should start treating myself like I treated other people.

I forgive other people, I cut them slack, I have patience if they mess up...but I also give the straight truth if I need it.

That's been a pretty good model for treating myself over the last few years.

Overcoming Perfectionism in a Culture That Promotes It

D

brynn

MB....I don't have any great advice but I want you to know I hear you and I can so relate. It's a miserable way to live. I know this from first hand experience.
Thank you so much for your honesty. Im Looking forward to hearing others suggestions.
Xoxo

topspin

Hang in there MidnightBlue,

Like Dee describes , I was over-the-top with high self expectations and always beating myself up over the weeks, months, years with perceived failure.

the idea of treating myself with the same empathy I treated those around me seemed like a groundbreaking idea the first time actually " hearing " it.
( to the point it actually resonated with me )

What I accomplished before work yesterday was laughable ,.......
,...filled in a hole with dirt I'd been meaning to get to for a couple years !??

I think there may be a lesson in there for me somewhere, but have no idea what it is exactly !?!
.....

take care, ....and you have a good weekend too ,....productive, ...or getting some restorative rest. Or hopefully both.

MythOfSisyphus

I can understand how you feel to a degree, MB. A little over ten years ago I hit the skids financially, too. I'd been fired from a job for the only time in my life and it really threw me for a loop. Since I had money saved up I didn't even look for a job for almost six months, and then it became really tough to find one. My financial situation got perilous for awhile. The fear of being broke stuck with me for a long time once I got back to work. It was probably a year before I stopped putting every spare cent into my savings account.

While it's easier said than done, try to allow yourself to enjoy it. If it's possible financially start putting aside a 'rainy day' fund. That will maybe make you feel better about money. The meditation sounds like a good option as well.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, guys. You are best.

Time2Rise - I absolutely agree about meditation. I used to meditate regularly and benefits were obvious. But at some point I fell out of habit and still can't back on track. I suffer from high anxiety and keep stumbling over first couple of minutes when worrisome thought start flooding and I want to get the hell away from this torture. But I have to do it. For my own sanity. It's not even an option now - it's necessary. Non-negotiable.

Dee - very sound advice here. It's surely not the first, second or 10th time I hear it, but for some reason it still doesn't ring a bell. The first moment I think about putting it into practice , my immediate thought is "Oh, but those people have another story. They HAVE RIGHT to do this. I don't". I think I have to start putting this "reasoning" on paper - I bet it will be record-breaking ridiculous stories.

Topspin - Lesson about hole and dirt? I think that lesson here is that humans are likely to put a man on Mars soon, and yet keep doing some useless manual labor. I mean - it's high time to start manufacturing some cheap robots for these stupid things and make people some time for reading and doing things they love) Going to make it to boxing today - both restorative and productive)

Myth - Saving money is what I struggle most with. I still fail to balance it out. I am from very poor family and with time being lack of money became strongly associated with humiliation. As a kid I was ridiculed for clothes I wore and so on. So now I just can't come to terms with this inner child who throws tantrum and rejects to go on "save mode" anytime when she gets a chance. I've tried lots of tactics, tricks, and so on. But inevitably I have a "relapse" somewhere once a week which swaps out all the efforts. Probably my best bet is to earn more and spend the energy and willpower in finding new ways for income rather than wishing a day to come to end faster because I am afraid I will spend some beyond-money budget. What's the point in living, then? Easier said than done, though. Anyone knows some sound saving technique for people allergic to saving?

Brynn - Hugs to you.

I've been just thinking about chores I have to do and procrastinate, which adds up and up pain. Why procrastinate? Because everything seems to cause pain.

I have to re-issue my debit card and can't bring myself go to the bank. Why? Banks remind me of debts and their harassing calls. It takes willpower but my willpower well is dry.

I love my gym but the mirrors are ruthless - my cheating on diet and skipping workouts both because of health issues and lack of motivation are right there, reflects back to me.

I have a roof over my head, but I experienced lots of miserable moments under this roof, and memories are revived every time (several times a day ) when neighbours slams their door (no idea why every time they choose to slam it rather than just close). A few years ago, back when I lived with my ex some woman tried to break in (she had keys) late at night, and I prevented it by blocking the door. I then spend the whole night awake, with lights on, and still every time I hear neighbours turning their key next door, my heart rate jumps up.

Job. I like it , but feeling of inadequacy kills it all.

Birth family.... Don't even get me started...

Care for myself... I hate my body and my reflection to the extent that it's an ongoing everyday battle to force myself into shower because I disgust touching myself.

And so on, and so far.

You know, by biggest challenge is to find a thing - even one tiny thing will do - that doesn't hurt. Anything that doesn't explode a pain charge inside.

Dee74

Change was painful for me tho, MB. It was bound up in a lot of other things - fear, anger, resentment - and like any bandage on a bloody wound, all those things hurt when you rip the bandage off.

I think drink and drugs were my way of stopping them from hurting.

What I found instead was that things didn't hurt anywhere near as much, or as long, as I was afraid they would?

D

Soberpotamus

MB, I can see you are in pain, and I know what I say probably won't help much, but I do want to mention about the body image - I've been there. When I got sober I went through some sort of latent/delayed stage where I was coming to terms with all things to do with physical appearance, which was happening at age 35-36, at the moment when aging kicks in I know you are around my age (I think!), and so I can relate so well to this part of your story. And the perfectionism in general! Anyway, it took me well over a year to come to grips with what many people probably dealt with in their 20s or early 30s. I'm guessing because of the drinking that's why I never dealt with mine before? I was close to having body dysmorphia, probably not enough to be clinical, but close. I was running, lifting weights, dieting, etc. It all culminated in me collapsing in the bed for about two months. I was down, literally, for two months, in the bed.

Honestly, I think it just had to run its course. And I had to live to tell about it I'm ok now, and sometimes I can catch myself avoiding mirrors (or looking too hard!) and then I have to sort of distract myself away to something that actually matters

I guess what I'm saying is that ... life is short, and we can choose where we place our focus, and where we place our values. And after realizing I was placing my values so much on physical appearance, well, it was a poor choice of placement, because ... we age Ha! It won't last. And whatever flaws I found in myself, no one really cares. It was just me. I cared, and I cared too much.

So, I had to figure out what I could focus on at that point, and I chose to unearth my old passions for reading and writing, and new ones - my dogs, and so on...

But, I must say, the pic you posted of your arms and back sometime last year - you are in incredible shape!! You looked great, and I could tell how much work you've put in with the boxing and weights, and diet.

Another thing, I think saving 10 - 15% of income into a small savings account for an emergency would really help ease your mind. Or whatever percent you can manage. Just knowing you have a little extra helps greatly. I did this, and even though we really couldn't spare it, I forced myself to do it. I don't regret it.

Keep talking your way through this We are here for you.

xoxo

topspin

MB,

The "trick" I used to start saving money was a kind of physical one ,...

It sounds like something an elementary kid would do,...
I would take a 10 bill and put that day's date on it , ..or if it was twenty ,...that day and the next day,....and stick it in an envelope labeled for that month.

Somehow not having it mixed in with any money in a checking account seemed to help. After 3 months I figured someone would eventually find my hiding place and jack it, ...so was able to open a savings account ,...but kept on with that stuffing envelopes because of the physical act of it,.....

Just wanted to share that, .... like you, had a heck of a time getting started to saving any money.

It's so.oooo true money can't buy happiness,

....but my experience is , not having money caused extreme ...unhappiness from time to time ,

....it wore me down eventually. I was freelance , ...so the inconsistent cash flow was always a factor too.

beautifulpines

MB -

Dropsie

Midnight Blue,

I do not have any words of wisdom, but I do of love of which fear is the opposite.

My two goals in life are to have peace of mind and to experience and give love. That is it.

Sounds corny, but its really hard because I like you, are overcome with fear, and fear kills both.

So my heart is with you.

Dropsie

I was also just thinking just yesterday is that while its true that money does not buy happiness, not having it sure does bred unhappiness because it causes fear.

I had never had money issues in my life, and the fear is completely debilitating to where it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

Not sure the answer but I can so relate to the problem.

MidnightBlue

Hey, guys.

Thank you a lot for your answers and support.

This week has been very tough emotionally. It all started on Sunday when I went to Bank to re-issue my debit card and just lost it. I never paid attention to the tension I experienced when dealing with things which trigger negative memories in me. I always treated them like just "I am working myself up" or it's just in my head. I pushed it deeper and deeper. But I couldn't do it any more. On Sunday I felt so bad, even my muscled ached. I walked back so slowly because it was hard to breath. It felt like my blood became thick with stress. I even felt uncomfortable crossing the road because my peripheral vision felt shut. I got home , crawled in bed and cried to release tension.

WTF?

I started meditating again, allocating 5 minutes. But it's still too hard. The biggest issues it's next to impossible to gather myself up to do a good thorough, let alone, creative work at job, and I am worried - though my probation period is over I am still new there and not yet vital to major operations.

I try to focus on now - it's the only way to keep sanity. But, my, it's tough.

I also started to write my thoughts and it revealed many forgotten memories which explain some patterns of my behavior which seems to be just "inborn" for me. But it makes me sad - how much pain can be hold within one person? I open layers and layers of pain - and don't know how to deal with it. It's unbearable to keep it in the dark any more - it breaks to the surface anyway, but it comes to light it doesn't dissolve in the light either. And I don't know what to do.

Tomorrow is Friday. And I will have a weekend to lick my emotional wounds.

See you all.

silentrun

Hi MB

Big hug to you. I don't have any practical advise. I am not surprised you find yourself a bit jumpy with the job after what you have been through. I hope you start to feel more secure as time goes on. For me I had to get to a "safe place" before I could let go of the defense mechanism of minimizing what I had lived through. I say that because of the conversation you had with yourself in the bank. I find the part of me that remembered the pain wasn't going to let go until she had been heard; shushing her lead to big problems for me. I recommend a snot bubble cry followed be giving yourself some credit. You quit drinking (not easy), gave up sugar (not easy) and undoubtedly have what it takes to come through this. I think you have earned some trust.

beautifulpines

I believe in your strength.