chardis

Hi everyone.

I've been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and suspected DID a couple of years ago.

Just found this particular section and i guess it's the right place.

(I've been a member here for about 3 weeks and have mainly posted in the newcomer's section and in the chat room)

I have been 'clean and sober' for 633 days today.

I have a sponsor,
a therapist,
and give service twice a week.

(I chair at my home group and have another literature service position.)

I think my higher power wanted me to have these positions.

(i can honestly say, i don't know the difference between my higher power and myself)

I am on step 4.

I am finding it very difficult to follow my own guidence and help myself at the moment.

A thousand voices in my head, repressed emotion, and indecision.
Blew my f u c k i n g top with rage a couple of nights ago. Felt really good.
I'm full of mucky s h i t energetically in my mind and body.

I'm holding onto sobriety.

Mental/emotional health really bad.

Really angry, confused. Crying. F u c k e d up in my head.
__________________

Coldfusion

Hi Chardis!

I think this is why you need to find a higher power greater than yourself. What is the force in the universe that makes you want to be sober?

For myself, I have determined that the quest for a higher power is an on-going journey.

chardis

I'm just exhausted emotionally.

Think i'm empathic. A 'sensitive'. An intuitive.

A thousand voices. They're all part of me.

Current symptoms:
dissociation,
relationship with myself not good therefore really unstable with others,
too much emotion / severe emotional imbalance and post-traumatic stress as a condition.

Just exhausted. Finding it really difficult to help myself.

chardis

Omg so true about ongoing journey of higher power.

If i don't have my head, what do i have? I need 'me' in my recovery. So i equate my higher power as part of me.

chardis

Fed up. Angry. Confused.

chardis

The universe itself coldfusion.

Is that just where my head is at and my spiritual beliefs / who i am

or is it a form of a mental disorder.

Perhaps both

For me i don't think I feel a step 2 until i have cleared my step 4.

Soberwolf

Chardis have you tried meditation it helps me to calm the 1000 voices

Jeni26

Hello Chardis. Congratulations on your sober time and on all you are doing to take care of yourself mentally and spiritually.

I have also been diagnosed with PTSD and DID. I saw a therapist who specialised in addiction and childhood trauma and worked through a lot of stuff. It wasn't easy and took a long time. My main problems were flashbacks and nightmares and 'lost time' when I would be so dissociated that I literally couldn't remember large chunks of my day/week/month. My counsellor taught me strategies for dealing with that, and the nightmares faded in time.

I am so much better these days, less anxious. I still have insomnia but it troubles me less. I have taken up exercise and healthy eating which has helped too.

I'm so sorry you are struggling, but I'm glad you reached out to us.

chardis

Childhood trauma, family dysfunction, emotional turmoil.
Co-occuring disorder, dual-diagnosis.
Relationships /aspects of self keep repeating themselves in different forms.

It is myself i need to heal - me energetically, my soul, my psyche, my mind
- but i am blaming everyone, anger, jealousy, rage, hatred.

chardis

Have been on different forums and have tried to open my heart towards 'the other person/ other people'

- i've ended up in a worse place and recognised my co-dependent issues, taking on their problems, being dependent. I stopped trying to care about others as i cannot even take care of myself.

Need to maintain distance for my own sanity.


Why the f u c k am i going through this mess?

Jeni26

I used to be like that too. I was consumed with bitterness for all the hurt done to me, and blamed all the adults in my life.

But things changed slowly. Keep doing the things you are doing, stay with the therapist and stay sober. That way you are giving yourself the very best chance to heal. Meditation helped me too.

Jeni26

Codependency was a problem for me too. When I listed the issues I had, together they seemed too many to ever get past. But I slowly chipped away at them. I've been a member of this forum for 3 and a half years. That's how long it has taken me, and I still have problems. They just don't overwhelm me any more very often.

chardis

My mind (thoughts/emotions) were spinning.

I read part of the big book.

Feel a little better.

chardis

....that probably " no human power could have relieved our alcoholism " / addiction.

( God is working constantly )



"you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink"...

( i'm thankful for the support and encouragement on here )



.......
( "you can lead a man to knowledge but you can't make him think"
. ) ........



"I pray that I may rest and abide in the presence of the unseen God."


( I can connect to God through reading 12 step recovery literature - primarily the AA book, as all 12 step recovery comes from this )



Literature reading. My strongest source of a higher power.


I'm .
so .

f u c k i n '

angry.

Soberwolf

I'm sorry your angry vent away if it helps chardis but you could right now practice breathing exercises to calm your system

5 Yoga and Breathing Tips to Conquer Anger Issues

chardis

Thank you soberwolf. I appreciate that.
And I'll bookmark it.

chardis

Everyone leaves chat room, one by one when i enter.
Thanks to the one who stayed for a while and chatted with me.
I'm not a nice person and have difficulty making friendships.

Jeni26

I notice you are on step 4 Chardis. This is often a time when people give up because it stirs a lot of emotions.

Keep going. You are doing all the right things. The steps were a huge part of my recovery.

Hugs

chardis

Jenny, Coldfusion,

Thank you both.

Much love in sobriety.

teatreeoil007

Sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time, but we are here for you and do understand.

I am pretty sure I am an empath too and it is truly a blessing and a curse...sometimes we feel and 'sense' too much...it can be overwhelming and weigh us down like heavy burdens...

I think I realized this about myself a while ago and at times I have been more vigilent than other times about keeping it in 'check' in such a way that I don't necessarily put others' needs and emotions first. In other words, sometimes I simply need to put my needs and my feelings first and take care of them or it can catch up to you.

If you really are an empath...those thousand voices in your mind might be related to taking in so many emotions...including negative ones...I would think that taking in too many negative emotions would hard to deal with...therefore, I've been made aware moreso within that past few months that I need to surround myself with positive things as much as possible...and it's a work in progress...but it's getting better...I need the positives to couterbalance the negative things that do come along...

Are you under a Dr.'s care? If not I would encourage it.

take care....

Blessed Be...