Never get it right the first time
dakotaboyd
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: queensland
Posts: 51
Never get it right the first time
I am grateful that I have had the chance to start over, again and again and again and had the strength in the early days, to just keep trying.
Its funny that outside people, that don't understand addiction, never understand why we don't get it right the first time. Why we failed when we went to rehab or detox for the hundred and tenth time.
I have been clean for many years now, with my wife (also a heroin addict) but it took us many many years to get it right and for years I could never understand why.
I went to rehab many times and stuck it out. I went to N.A and did what they told me, but always found myself going back.
So I just wanted to write this for all the mums and dads out there that just don't understand to show my gratitude to others if I make sense to anyone.
When I went through detox, I first thought that that was the answer and if I could only get rid of the pain, I could do the rest with ease, so when detox was over I left and within a week I was back at square one.
The next was to go to rehab for 6 months after the detox, so I did but the same thing. One week later I was back to the start.
I did this over and over again with the same results.
I went to meetings and tried to do it outside, but always met with the same results.
I always had some success when I had to go to prison and never used when inside. When released I always seemed stayed clean, for sometimes months but only because of fear of going back I think.
I am in my mid 40's now and have been clean this time for around five years.(perhaps more) To be honest I have learned over the past errors, that clean time was never important to me because if it were, and I relapsed, it always seemed much harder for me to try again. I looked at myself as a failure and all that clean time waisted and wondered if I would ever get to that point again. This is how keeping track effected me anyway. Some may differ.
When I think about it, there were really a few different stages I had to go through, in order for me to remain clean. The first for me, was to get back some of my lost humanity. After years of swinging old ladies from their handbags, ripping off loved ones, robbing banks, stealing cars and the mile long list of horror stories, I had lost everything about what it meant to be a human. I had lost all respect for everyone, everything but most important to me recovery, ;lost respect for me. Zero humanity and humanity is a hard thing to get back. Don't look for it in friends or family because they have been burned too many times so they will give you none. Perhaps make you feel even worst. (and how can you blame them)
We lived next door to an old woman and for years I used to do many things for her. Just little things to start with and after a small amount of time I could see myself a little differently. I then started helping others the same way and tried to do it without them knowing it, so it would mean more to me and I could slowly start going to bed at night seeing myself as a better person. What I was doing was restoring my humanity. It takes time.
The second thing I had to do, was learn new behaviours and this took the longest. I had been an addict for all my life and I was very good at being one and could survive in that world with ease. However, I didn't know this new clean world at all and fell down many times learning it but always getting back up.
See this is what I am grateful for. Having the strength to never give up. Everyone around me was sick of me failing and getting their hopes up, but I had to just not think about that and just keep trying and with every fall, came a new lesson for me. A new pitfall to make sure I avoid the next time round. The funny thing is, when I look back at those pittfalls, I really had to fall down them to learn from them. I suppose most of these would have been relapses, or certainly have led to one..
So as I have said, it has been many years now that I have been clean, with each new clean time, getting longer and longer and I am loving this life I live now.
For the Mums and Dads out there, I can understand you giving up and having to protect yourself from your children's addictions. I would never suggest you do different. I would say to close your door to any addictive behaviour but don't keep it locked. Maybe one day after many failed attempts, you will hear the door bell ring and your son or daughter will be there. My Father had that happen and our relationship is wonderful. He never thought it would happen, so if you see them fall more that once, don't be disheartened. No one learns a whole new way of life in one go and gets it right. Thanks for listening
Its funny that outside people, that don't understand addiction, never understand why we don't get it right the first time. Why we failed when we went to rehab or detox for the hundred and tenth time.
I have been clean for many years now, with my wife (also a heroin addict) but it took us many many years to get it right and for years I could never understand why.
I went to rehab many times and stuck it out. I went to N.A and did what they told me, but always found myself going back.
So I just wanted to write this for all the mums and dads out there that just don't understand to show my gratitude to others if I make sense to anyone.
When I went through detox, I first thought that that was the answer and if I could only get rid of the pain, I could do the rest with ease, so when detox was over I left and within a week I was back at square one.
The next was to go to rehab for 6 months after the detox, so I did but the same thing. One week later I was back to the start.
I did this over and over again with the same results.
I went to meetings and tried to do it outside, but always met with the same results.
I always had some success when I had to go to prison and never used when inside. When released I always seemed stayed clean, for sometimes months but only because of fear of going back I think.
I am in my mid 40's now and have been clean this time for around five years.(perhaps more) To be honest I have learned over the past errors, that clean time was never important to me because if it were, and I relapsed, it always seemed much harder for me to try again. I looked at myself as a failure and all that clean time waisted and wondered if I would ever get to that point again. This is how keeping track effected me anyway. Some may differ.
When I think about it, there were really a few different stages I had to go through, in order for me to remain clean. The first for me, was to get back some of my lost humanity. After years of swinging old ladies from their handbags, ripping off loved ones, robbing banks, stealing cars and the mile long list of horror stories, I had lost everything about what it meant to be a human. I had lost all respect for everyone, everything but most important to me recovery, ;lost respect for me. Zero humanity and humanity is a hard thing to get back. Don't look for it in friends or family because they have been burned too many times so they will give you none. Perhaps make you feel even worst. (and how can you blame them)
We lived next door to an old woman and for years I used to do many things for her. Just little things to start with and after a small amount of time I could see myself a little differently. I then started helping others the same way and tried to do it without them knowing it, so it would mean more to me and I could slowly start going to bed at night seeing myself as a better person. What I was doing was restoring my humanity. It takes time.
The second thing I had to do, was learn new behaviours and this took the longest. I had been an addict for all my life and I was very good at being one and could survive in that world with ease. However, I didn't know this new clean world at all and fell down many times learning it but always getting back up.
See this is what I am grateful for. Having the strength to never give up. Everyone around me was sick of me failing and getting their hopes up, but I had to just not think about that and just keep trying and with every fall, came a new lesson for me. A new pitfall to make sure I avoid the next time round. The funny thing is, when I look back at those pittfalls, I really had to fall down them to learn from them. I suppose most of these would have been relapses, or certainly have led to one..
So as I have said, it has been many years now that I have been clean, with each new clean time, getting longer and longer and I am loving this life I live now.
For the Mums and Dads out there, I can understand you giving up and having to protect yourself from your children's addictions. I would never suggest you do different. I would say to close your door to any addictive behaviour but don't keep it locked. Maybe one day after many failed attempts, you will hear the door bell ring and your son or daughter will be there. My Father had that happen and our relationship is wonderful. He never thought it would happen, so if you see them fall more that once, don't be disheartened. No one learns a whole new way of life in one go and gets it right. Thanks for listening
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