Talz

Has anyone ever beat themselves this bad?

I lost it and punched myself in the head full force probably upwards of twenty times. I used to do this often as a kid, but it's been a long while and never this bad.

I now have two black eyes and a concussion, nice... I feel absolutely insane. I think I've just finally snapped and feel utterly hopeless. I'm out of energy, there's no fight left and I've finally lost the battle I've been fighting with my absolutely toxic, defective brain every single day of my miserable, pointless life. I want to die so badly.

I've been like this as long as I can remember, and just feel like the most pathetic, weak person. All I can do is live in the past, dwell on regrets and I don't know how to stop. I've never been happy, I've never even been neutral. Even getting out of bed in the morning feels almost impossible.

Suicide is around the corner, always has been. I only haven't because I know if I did my dad who literally has had no life outside of me till very recently probably would have been ruined and a big part of me hates him for it.

I can't possibly put into words the sadness and fury I'm feeling right now, and I don't know how to move on. I thought quitting drinking would help, but in all honesty I'm not sure that's the real problem after all.

NJKitty

Talz: I am sorry to hear you are suffering, so deeply. Please go to the hospital or seek some professional help. I am sure more profound advice will come along, but I could not navigate away from your post without saying to please stay with us.

Opivotal

((Talz)) I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Please call this hotline number if you are feeling suicidal.

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

You're not alone and help is available.

Soberwolf

Hi Talz make full use of the advice provided from Opivotal & NJ kitty

Were always here you can pm night or day

Dee74

I'm sorry you felt that way Talz.
I agree with the others - concussion can be pretty serious, as can self harm.

are you considering finding some help?

D

Astro

Hi Talz. Please consider seeking out some help. I know how the utter defeat can feel. One of the best things I ever did for myself and my recovery was to hospitalize myself for a few days to get help and answers. Best thing for me was to put away the alcohol. Whatever it takes, right?

Talz

Well I went to the doctor, upped my medication (finally fully accepted I need it and can't go off) and made an appointment with the counselor at my school. Hopefully I'll be able to get into the mental health and addictions place soon (of course they just happen to be doing a renovation that's taken over three months so far :P)

Yeah, I honestly should have hospitalized myself. I just find it very difficult to draw attention to it.

FeelingGreat

I'm so glad you've seen a doctor. As a long term taker of anti-depressants I am really grateful for how they lighten the load without changing my essential personality.

There is good help out there Talz, don' throw your life away without using it. I've seen close up the devastation suicide leaves behind on many people, not just close relatives.

Sometimes it can help to look after other people in need; consider some charitable work. It will give you a more positive self-image, take the focus off hating yourself and maybe show you you're not the only one struggling.

All the best; I hope this is the road to recovery for you.

SoberCAH

I hope you get some help.

Most of us on these boards have asked for help a time or 2.

Keep us posted and take care of (and try to love) yourself.

Bekindalways

Please don't give up on yourself Talz. If your life is pointless, then please decide the point is to keep trying one itty bitty step at a time. Keep posting too!

Talz

Thanks guys <3

The self injury occurred last Thursday, so it's starting to clear up. My head isn't pounding nearly as bad as it was yesterday, so that helps.

I'll try to keep posting.

teatreeoil007

Glad to hear you are improving...

Goodness gracious this is a bummer!

Keep us posted, 'k?

Wastinglife

I also tend to constantly ruminate about the past. It's like every bad memory playing over and over in my head. Alcohol was the only thing that made me feel positive about life. That is, until it started causing more problems rather than making me forget them

Antidepressants were the only thing to stop the negative thinking. I am convinced I had a low grade depression my whole life.

Soberwolf

Sending positive vibes Talz

Talz

Sorry I haven't responded here in awhile, been slowly improving I think. Gonna look into some support groups, stay sober, and not miss my medication. It helps, but it far from makes me mentally healthy.

jt22

I thought i was the only one that used to do this, would full force punch myself over and over in the face among other things. I'm not sure if i missed where you said how old you were, but i did stuff like that and was suicidal in my teens, started to straighten out in my early 20s. I am 24 now and still have my down days, but i deal with it a lotttt better. I havent used anti depressants in years, but i remember them helping a good bit when i did. The last couple years I have started to have success working with my depression and recognizing patterns without medication. Intense exercise, healthy eating, and keeping busy with hobbies has worked best for me.

I wish you the best, i can relate to the feelings youve mentioned and i know it can be very hard, don't hesitate to seek help. I think you'd be suprised how many people are happy to have you around.

Soberwolf