Advice using SMART/CRAFT?
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
Posts: 73
Advice using SMART/CRAFT?
I've been reading a little on SMART, including some (bouncing around a little lol!) of Beyond Addiction. Although I like the idea of combing this approach with some of the Al-Anon principles, I'm confused how to deal with my situation.
We have young kids, and my AH drinks every.single.day. Weekends it's at least a 6-pack throughout the day and a minimum of a small bottle of whiskey starting as early as 5; through the week, start time is anywhere from the minute he gets home to 7 (never later ...) - even if he goes to an AA meeting (or 2) don't get me started on that ... The result is that I really don't have ANY time with him when he's sober, without the kids around; we can't discuss anything important or just us unless I make a big deal about it (which of course puts pressure and resentment on both of us from the get-go).
How am I supposed to go about encouraging sober time and make that more appealing to spend time together when he's NEVER sober? I've made a concerted effort to do this even with the kids around, but it's going on a year now that we've had virtually no real time together. I tried discussing this w/AH a little a few weeks ago and told him I needed a few hours a week (scheduled if we had to), not even a whole day or anything just hold off or something ..., where he wasn't drunk or drinking whiskey (as events from the past make this a huge trigger for me). I told him even if he does get sober eventually (which he still claims he needs/wants to do), we have to work with what we have right now, and I can't go on like we are much longer.
End result of this is, we've made "dates" about 4 or 5 times since, and he's been drinking or drunk every time. The first time I called him on it, and he expressed this is all we ever talk about anymore - ok, I get that (it is after all the elephant in the room). So, the next couple of times, I let it go and we just lay together on the couch watching movies. Before the next time, I mentioned it again before the night of (didn't call him out for the times before but just kind of casually that I hoped he'd be sober (didn't use that word though) enough to maybe be open to some more romance that night. Still haven't had a sober night ...
So, any advice or experience working w/SMART strategies in this situation? (TIA for anyone who actually read this whole thing. I didn't intend it to get this long ...)
We have young kids, and my AH drinks every.single.day. Weekends it's at least a 6-pack throughout the day and a minimum of a small bottle of whiskey starting as early as 5; through the week, start time is anywhere from the minute he gets home to 7 (never later ...) - even if he goes to an AA meeting (or 2) don't get me started on that ... The result is that I really don't have ANY time with him when he's sober, without the kids around; we can't discuss anything important or just us unless I make a big deal about it (which of course puts pressure and resentment on both of us from the get-go).
How am I supposed to go about encouraging sober time and make that more appealing to spend time together when he's NEVER sober? I've made a concerted effort to do this even with the kids around, but it's going on a year now that we've had virtually no real time together. I tried discussing this w/AH a little a few weeks ago and told him I needed a few hours a week (scheduled if we had to), not even a whole day or anything just hold off or something ..., where he wasn't drunk or drinking whiskey (as events from the past make this a huge trigger for me). I told him even if he does get sober eventually (which he still claims he needs/wants to do), we have to work with what we have right now, and I can't go on like we are much longer.
End result of this is, we've made "dates" about 4 or 5 times since, and he's been drinking or drunk every time. The first time I called him on it, and he expressed this is all we ever talk about anymore - ok, I get that (it is after all the elephant in the room). So, the next couple of times, I let it go and we just lay together on the couch watching movies. Before the next time, I mentioned it again before the night of (didn't call him out for the times before but just kind of casually that I hoped he'd be sober (didn't use that word though) enough to maybe be open to some more romance that night. Still haven't had a sober night ...
So, any advice or experience working w/SMART strategies in this situation? (TIA for anyone who actually read this whole thing. I didn't intend it to get this long ...)
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