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Struggling with 4th step - how much is too much?

Old 08-24-2015, 09:46 PM
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Struggling with 4th step - how much is too much?

I had a call with my sponsor (we're on opposite coasts) today and she called me on my crap with not being prepared for our calls and doing the work. She questioned whether she could really get where I'm coming from because I have an enormous level of stress on me that she has never had. She's single working part-time, I'm married with two little kids, working full-time, and caring for my dad, who has advanced Alzheimers and dementia.

I am the first to admit that I have a heck of a time getting my EGO out of the way. I am convinced that I have to manage my recovery, and have negotiated things here and there rather than follow. I pray every day to God, and though I consider myself a religious person, since I've been battling my 'isms, I have felt far away from Him but I still go through the motions.

Sorry for the background - here's the question. Sponsor was peeved that I used an AA template for 4th step without checking with her, that I seem to be going in my own direction, and that I'm not committed to my recovery.

I have been slipping, it's been really rough. I recently came out of IOP (intensive outpatient) and am trying to balance things but not well. Still on my plan not God's. I've been attending AA meetings and other 12 step fellowships I belong to to try and get my stubborn knee to bend.

She rightfully pointed out that I put my family first, then my job, and then somewhere on the list is my recovery, and then me (or the dog). How do I make my recovery more front and center when I barely have time to sleep? How do I get myself to acquiesce and surrender? What am I doing wrong? I inventoried a lot but I grouped things - like the fact that my dad yelled at us and physically hurt us. If I were to break everything out, it would take me another month to get through it all, and it's been months already (I took a break for the 4 mo in treatment)

Thanks.
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Old 08-25-2015, 08:54 AM
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I followed my sponsors directions.I worked a lot,80 plus hours a week.I made time to do the directions he gave me.It is a life and death matter.
I got up a little earlier and did what it took to get thru those steps.I wanted to live so I did what I had too

if you are writing out your 4th step and "still on your own plan,and going in your own direction",I would say you are heading towards failure or at least a extremely difficult time.I am a alcoholic and cannot manage my own life.That was true as I went thru the steps.I did them the way my sponsor wanted me too,not the way I wanted too.
It was a very good way to practice giving up our selfish will.I also found out I cannot manage my sobriety no more than I managed my drunkenness.

The best thing I can do is follow my sponsors directions,the big book and pray as I go asking for His help and His truth.

I suggest you get up with your sponsor and do what she suggests,when she suggests it and how she suggests it.
Don`t take off on your own doing things your way.God will provide you a way and the Power like He did me,but trusting and relying in Him are essentials at this point

best wishes to you on your journey
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Old 08-25-2015, 05:02 PM
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I took my fourth with my sponsor. It took about six hours on a saturday. The next day I took the fifth. I was incapable of doing a fourth step on my own because I lacked the mental capacity. I didnt understand the words and had a lot of discussionn about the meaning of words and how they applied to me. I still have my fourth. It looks like it was written by a child, and it was! But it was enought to do the job, which was to get an honest appraisal of myself, especially those things that harmed me and others. It taught me the principle of inventory.

If you have a back to basiscs group in your area you could try that to get through the steps in a more time efficient fashion. The fourth step is taken with the help of a sponsor or sharing partner who does the writing for you. It takes 2 or 3 hours, and you will understand the principle.

The steps are never completed as such. They are a set of principles we learn and continue to practice as best we can on a daily basis. The fourth step is the first step requiring real action on our part. So many get hung up there, perhaps because they have heard it is difficult or frightening. It is neither if you can find the right help. And it is vital to get past it if you want permanent and happy recovery.
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Old 08-25-2015, 06:46 PM
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I tell my guys this...... they can do anything they want - it's their call. If they want AA, AA-quality recovery, and everything I've told them I've experienced myself and watched close friends experience they have a choice: do what we did and get the same results or do anything else they want and take a chance that it may work.

IF you were one of my sponsees I wouldnt be mad at you but if what you said was your inventory wasn't a 4 column resentment inventory, a 2 column fear inventory and a sex inventory, I'd just warn you that you haven't done a 4th of 5th step.

It doesn't mean what you did has no value......it's just not the AA program (I'm making an assumption here because I haven't seen or heard what you did). I do think that most ppl's first inventory is, for lack of a better work, crap. It typically takes a couple of them before most ppl get good at being honest and doing them well.
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Old 08-26-2015, 04:09 PM
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Thanks for the feedback. I know I need to make the time and just get it done. I re-read my initial post and I'm whining. There's a huge part of me that just wants to give up because I'm so damned tired, but I can't and I won't. It's good to know that even if I can't think straight, I should just do it and give up on the completeness or perfection. It's why I like going to AA meetings. There's no BS.
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Old 09-01-2015, 12:42 PM
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It looks like there are a lot o "I"'s in your posts. I got drunk,we got sober.
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Old 09-02-2015, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by harry71 View Post
It looks like there are a lot o "I"'s in your posts. I got drunk,we got sober.
This poses a question: Do I share "my"experience strenght and hope
or "our" experience and hope?
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Old 09-04-2015, 04:35 PM
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preamble says"share their experience strength and hope." My point was that AA is about we not I. The poster seemed to be having problems following their sponsors direction. I know from my experience I learned the most when I thought I new it all. The use of I was intentional,
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Old 11-09-2015, 11:03 PM
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the only book which contains directions for the 12 steps is the book Alcoholics Anonymous

The fourth step an autobiography the directions are between pages 64 and 69 it's a fact finding fact facing process not a feeling finding process we simply put it on paper go to the next one put it on paper go to the next one don't dwell don't reminisce don't daydream you get caught up in all these and feelings and emotions and close the book we simply face the facts we list people with whom we are angry we ask ourselves why we are angry and it's usually our self-esteem fear Security personal relationships sexual relationships pocketbook and ambition which are affected after making a three columns I'm resentful at the cause 8 words or less affects my we move on example I'm resentful at my dad he lied to me affects my self esteem fear Security personal relationship now the key to the future is the fourth column the turnaround without the fourth column we are on able to do steps 5 6 7 9 10 11 the fourth column simply asks where was I selfish what did I want or not want where am i dishonest how did I justify being angry the lie I told myself where was I self-seeking did I confront you or argue put you down in front of others we're stuffed the feelings what was I afraid of I'm resentful at my dad he lied to me it affected my self esteem fear Security personal relationship where was a selfish I didn't want him to lie where was I just honest I never lied where was I self-seeking I stuffed the feelings what was I afraid of not being loved now there's a fear column then a sex inventory I put each relationship down and ask myself 10 questions where was I selfish dishonest inconsiderate whom did I hurt did I unustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where was I at fault what should I have done instead was it selfish or not it was about my conduct my behavior in each relationship this process helps me become convinced that God can remove whatever self has blocked me off on him it sets us free step 5 is where we feel where we go deep where we become free step 10 11 and 12 are the maintenance steps we practice these three steps one day at a time for the rest of our lives self inventory pray and meditation and help others the process of facing and get rid of the things within myself which are blocking me enables me to discover one day at a time
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Old 03-07-2023, 04:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Friend Of Bill View Post
The fourth step an autobiography the directions are between pages 64 and 69 it's a fact finding fact facing process not a feeling finding process we simply put it on paper go to the next one put it on paper go to the next one don't dwell don't reminisce don't daydream you get caught up in all these and feelings and emotions and close the book we simply face the facts we list people with whom we are angry we ask ourselves why we are angry and it's usually our self-esteem fear Security personal relationships sexual relationships pocketbook and ambition which are affected after making a three columns I'm resentful at the cause 8 words or less affects my we move on example I'm resentful at my dad he lied to me affects my self esteem fear Security personal relationship now the key to the future is the fourth column the turnaround without the fourth column we are on able to do steps 5 6 7 9 10 11 the fourth column simply asks where was I selfish what did I want or not want where am i dishonest how did I justify being angry the lie I told myself where was I self-seeking did I confront you or argue put you down in front of others we're stuffed the feelings what was I afraid of I'm resentful at my dad he lied to me it affected my self esteem fear Security personal relationship where was a selfish I didn't want him to lie where was I just honest I never lied where was I self-seeking I stuffed the feelings what was I afraid of not being loved now there's a fear column then a sex inventory I put each relationship down and ask myself 10 questions where was I selfish dishonest inconsiderate whom did I hurt did I unustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where was I at fault what should I have done instead was it selfish or not it was about my conduct my behavior in each relationship this process helps me become convinced that God can remove whatever self has blocked me off on him it sets us free step 5 is where we feel where we go deep where we become free step 10 11 and 12 are the maintenance steps we practice these three steps one day at a time for the rest of our lives self inventory pray and meditation and help others the process of facing and get rid of the things within myself which are blocking me enables me to discover one day at a time
Very Helpful.
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