Holds1325

Last night I had a bad nightmare, once I think about it, it was pretty stupid but I woke up really terrified of it,

After this happened my mind began racing and it's getting worse. For the past month I've been having horrible intrusive thoughts such as fear of killing myself and fear of hurting my family. These started to taper down the past week and although still there, I'd usually just forget them as easily as the thoughts came into my mind.

Well this morning they are back and with a vengeance! I also have a new intrusive thought bothering me. When I was very young I had night terrors but they eventually went away. Anyway I have this looming fear that they are going to come back. I also have this fear that I'm going to develop some sleep disorder since my nightmares occur pretty often now. Also I'm scared that I'm going to have one of those sleep disorders where I'm going to lose control in my sleep and end up hurting myself or my family. These thoughts literally feel like they are driving me crazy and I feel like I'm going to end up in a mental institute.

I've been somewhat depressed lately and it sort of terrifies me that I feel this way because I'm scared it'll lead to something else. I'm terrified of dying and terrified of losing my family. This past week I was actually thinking this was all going away, now today, its so very difficult. I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I need to snap out of it because there are people around me who have real problems and mine is all in my head.

I've been told maybe to take an anti-depressant but I'm absolutely scared of those as well, for some reason I think that its going to make my depression worse or cause me to go crazy.

I dont know I feel so confused....

I've already been to the ER for this when it happened a couple weeks ago and they did give me medication (which made it so much worse) and tried to put me into a psychiatric ward which also made me feel worse because I was terrified of losing my family.

Thanks for listening to this...

2ndhandrose

Have you sought counseling of any kind?

Sometimes being able to talk about your fears helps to alleviate them.

Holds1325

Yes, I have a therapy session next thursday. I've already had 1 session but it didn't seem to help at all.

I'm mostly scared to talk to anyone about this, my family, just gets angry at me

I'm afraid friends are just going to resent me and I think one already is because they now sort of avoid me at work and other places.

Anytime I talk to anyone about this I just end up feeling guilty, maybe why I'm posting here...

2ndhandrose

Sometimes our troubles are more than our family and friends are qualified to help us with.

Give therapy some time, 1 session won't even scratch the surface in my experience. Please don't be afraid to talk to your counselor about your fears of talking about things. They have heard a lot and are trained to help you.

Allow your family and friends to be just that, your family and friends, not your therapists, do you know what I mean?

I have been in and out of counseling for a long time. I have found it immensely helpful with the right person but it isn't an instant fix. You get out of it what you put into it (sorry to get all cliche here!) but it is true.

Please give it some time

Holds1325

The therapy sessions at the clinic where I go to are usually booked full and I can only go to them maybe once a month so its very difficult to attend those regularly.

Ever since I quit drinking and had a bad episode with marijuana it feels like I'm going to be this way forever. I don't have the panic attacks anymore which is good but it feels like I'm not getting better either. I feel as if I'm just down all the time and I can't catch a break.

I also feel like I have no one to talk to sometimes as well. Some days I actually feel okay, maybe 1 or 2 days that will last, then its back to the mood swings for days on end.

I'm just not sure what to do at this point.

biminiblue

Why not go to an AA meeting? There are people who understand, and just by being there it is like a mini-therapy session.

You don't have to be a prisoner to your thoughts.

It sounds a bit frightening, maybe go back to the ER.

It's really common to be an emotional wreck in early sobriety, but medication may be the answer.

Holds1325

I've been thinking about AA, only thing is that the closest meeting is an hour away and I'm not sure I trust people there to begin with.

I've taken the ER out as an option unless I am really struggling bad. Last time they gave me benzo's which made me feel drunk, they then gave me hydroxyzine which made me severely depressed like I honestly felt a huge weight on me at all times, that left as I went off them, also the dry-mouth was horrible.

The other worst thing they wanted to do was put me in psychiatric in a town 2 hours from where I live and my family, so I guess I am anti-ER for awhile anyway.

Almost drives me to try alcohol because I was at least semi-normal but I've also taken that out as an option.

biminiblue

Well, then keep writing here.

The fears you are expressing are concerning in that you fear harming your family. I think it's pretty common to awake from a nightmare and be off-balance for part of the morning, but I've never felt like I wanted to hurt someone. I think that needs to be discussed with a medical professional.

Alcohol is not the solution. Really, it takes weeks or months to start to regain normal cognition. It requires continuous complete abstinence.

You've kind of backed yourself into a corner if you are in distress and you don't want any help, you know?

Holds1325

Yes I feel like I do need help and I've reached out, it just doesn't seem like enough at times.

I've talked to a professional about the intrusive thoughts I've been having and they tell me its common and the fact that you are scared of these things happening clearly indicates that it will not happen, that I just get bothered by these thoughts.

I just feel like they bother me way too much, the what ifs, such as what if I am going crazy and I end up doing something horrible and then I go on and on reassuring myself and fighting these thoughts. Several people have told me, they are just thoughts! nothing more, just let them pass. They are no more real than you imagining that you can just up and fly for no reason. And I believe that, I just wish I wasn't prone to anxiety as much as I have been since quitting the alcohol.

Before quitting the alcohol, I knew i had some type of anxiety and I did get intrusive thoughts maybe once or twice a year but they were always manageable and easy to dismiss as basic fears. Basically this all derives from the single huge fear of losing my family. So I guess I'm just scared of just about anything that could cause me to lose my family. When in reality they love me and I love them so much.

I'll go 2 maybe 3 days at the most just fine, maybe slight boredom then for 3 or more days I get these stupid thoughts constantly coming at me which make me anxious. A month ago they made me very panicky but now they just bother me too much and I get depressed thinking I'll feel this way forever.

I know if it ever came down to anything involving losing my family that I'd do anything to prevent that, like I said, I just get bothered by too many what ifs and its causing me too much stress.

Astro

I'll say this as gently as possible. The two best things I did for my recovery were a few days in a psych ward and becoming a regular attendee of AA meetings. I know it's easy to be afraid of trying these, but what I found were people who loved me and wanted to help.

Holds1325

Thanks for the reply,

Im going to give it a bit more time before I go the psych ward route,

I think I was just having a bad day, I went to a Bible study last night, talked with my Pastor afterwards and felt MUCH better.

I have an appointment this Thursday and if the therapist thinks I should go that route (psych ward) then I will but Im sure its just a phase as several others who went through exactly what Im going through have told me it passes with time