ElleDee

I really don't want to go back and look at every resentment, every dishonest thing I've done... what is the point? So I can feel like crap and hate myself? I am struggling with doing this step, seriously. I have beat myself up so much and so often for the things I've done wrong, things I feel guilty about. I just want to get on with staying sober, not dig up stuff from the past to write about and talk about it. Ack! Even with my sponsor I dread this.

WMJ1012

Hi ElleDee

"We turn back to the list, for it held the key to our future."

In AA we have a magnificent way of using our past to find God. And we can only use our own past to do that, otherwise Bill would've left his whole inventory in the BB for us to use.

I listed the names and why I was mad which I loved writing, actually. Then I got to turn each resentment around and I saw a beautiful solution in each and every one.

It had nothing to do with the other people...they were there to show me where my growth needed to be...and the Truth I saw was that God loved me and I didn't need all the things I thought I needed from others. He was and is my Source of all I need.

48heath

Sorry you are struggling with Step 4 ElleDee,you are not the only one by far,i know I didn't want to do it at all.

We nees to clear the wreckage of the past,so we can move on to the future,and a Step 4 well done,helps identify our character defects and with making a list of people to make amends to.

It won't make you feel bad,it will make you feel better.It is fear holding you back,don't let it.Have a chat with your sponsor about how you feel.

Wishing you well.

Bird615

Doing Step 4 only made me feel bad when I did it and then didn't move on. I just stewed in all that crap I had brought up. My sponsor saw I was miserable and suggested maybe I needed to do my Step 5. I made an appointment and it was after doing that step that I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
It was one of the steps that enabled me to be able to begin looking people in the eye again. Being told that I would be able to look people in the eye again was one of the things that made me want to get sober.

sg1970

The dreaded fourth step. The one that sends people packing. The one where the relief really starts.

It's not as bad as your brain is making it out to be. The fourth and fifth are freeing and where the miracle happens. They are not at all about beating yourself up.

Tommyh

besides everything that has already been said,it is a life and death errand we are on
small price to pay to live

DayTrader

A couple rhetorical questions first: Is the idea of not drudging up the past and just getting on with life as you think it should be gotten on with a new idea, something you just recently came up with? Probably not. It's probably a design for living that you've been trying for years......decades probably. Assuming that's true, has it worked? Did it produce the results you wanted? Has it produced results you like? ......for me, I could hardly live with the way my life was going - and I had to admit it was my design that was producing all the confusion, anxiety, and suffering.

One of the main points of the 4th step for me is to practice some bravery for once and instead of kicking what IS my reality deep down into my psyche and pretending it's not there to instead open my ears, eyes, all my senses and my heart to what's really goin' on with me, in the world and with how I interact with the world. Another point is to get clear with myself about what it is I know vs what I think and what I do vs what I wish I did. A proper inventory states unequivocally where you are, what you do, what you've done and from those bits it's easy to extrapolate what's likely to happen in the future when certain given variables are in effect. It will expose a bunch of things you're sure are true as being false and it'll show you what you believed to be a pack of lies as really being the truth. So, it's like putting a dot on a map.....an honest appraisal of where you are but it's also a tool that can be used to predict the future. It can tell you what you're likely to feel, how you've typically acted and it'll have plenty of proof to back it up. From that point on......now that you're awake to the truth, you'll be far better equipped to make better and more informed decisions about what's best for you to say, do and get involved in.

An inventory, until you've gone through the process, could very easily appear to be just an incident report. A list of all the crap I've done wrong and or poorly. There are some very informative pages in the BB leading up to the 4th step. I would hiiiighly recommend you read them too.

Another point is this: I didn't KNOW how to stay sober for the rest of my life. I had some ideas, some beliefs, but when I was honest with myself it was silly to take advice from someone who had no experience (ie - didn't make logical sense to listen to myself when it came to plans to get/stay sober). I did get to the point where I was willing to try and trust AA / the AA process. Along the way there were lots of things I was pretty sure wouldn't work or do me any good - once again, someone with no experience giving me advice... lol. Well, if you're going to make an educated determination of whether AA is good for you or not, the only way one can do that is to try it and see for yourself. Alternatively, you can make up your own recovery program and give that a try.

The process works....give it a try and find out for yourself.

tomsteve

Read page 63-64.

How many years did ya spend trying to drink/drug the past away with absolutely no success?how many times did ya try and stuff it without success?
How long do you think the past will haunt ya without looking at it fearlessly? How long before ya drink again?
How long will it bother you if you decide to look at it and find out what makes you tick?

We will NOT regret the past nor wish to shut the door in it.

My past is the most valuable possession I have and it no longer Haunts me.ni no longer have to keep wasting energy TRYING to stuff it. I am free from my past.
All because I worked the steps.

You don't have to do a fourth step.
If I were to go skydiving, it's suggested I wear a parachute. It is also suggested that I pull the rip cord. I don't have to do either, but there's consequences if I don't.

FlyerFan

Everybody dreads it, but it really is not as bad as it sounds. And the point is not to beat yourself up about anything, its to take a look at how your alcoholism/addiction played a part in all those things, so you're able to see it from another person's perspective. Also you may never get over some things if you just shut them away and never talk about them with anyone. At least that was my experience. I can promise you that this step is a life changing step, for me it was the one that finally took away my obsession to drink.

sugarbear1

We carry this stuff around with us all of the time, why not dump it all out? We can't, without help, so we must revisit it and look at it with a new perspective.

It's a relief that we get when we complete this step and get through step 7. Who knew?!!?

Don't sit on it, get through it. See what happens......

Lots of great stuff already said in previous posts.

Ifnotforgrace

Inventory is just taking stock. Treat yourself like you were a business owner looking at her warehouse. You look at what you have, including that pile of stuff stacked in the corner that you inherited when you took over the business, what you need to acquire and what you need to discard. Keep it Simple.

It is just a list for the most part at this step. We get into exact nature of our wrongs a bit later. It does not have to be the big negative and there is a need to assess the situation, not beat ourself up with blame. We wish to remedy..nor merely accuse or assign blame.

The goal of the 12 steps is a Spiritual Awakening and an improved lifestyle which includes living sober. Without Step 4 our mind and our bodies will soon head back to the familiar, the known..just like a bug to the light. If we are not growing and going forward, we are regressing and headed for relapse.

Step 4 is the assessment tool which we use to move forward. Resentment is the #1 offender, but it is not the ONLY one. We look at Fears, Defects and Assets and skills, it is by developing the last two we are able to face and eradicate the first two, with the HP’s help.

Example: I was a martyr, full of self-pity, and self-righteous. Many issues came from these defects—the main portion of the cure was simple. Gratitude. When I practiced and I had to work at making it a habit..I mean work, all these issues improved. Today I still work, I have a list, I use affirmations, music, the slogans, I commune with nature and appreciate the beauty in small things to cultivate an attitude of gratitude and my life is Improved.

The 2nd portion was building self confidence. My sponsor and Meetings helped here is this took longer, but once I changed my thinking, my emotions and my behaviors began to fall in line. Now at the first onset of self-pity or people pleasing..I HALT and use my tools and my struggle is less intense and much shorter than ever before..That’s how it works for me. My life is better and so are the lives of those I impact and THAT’s the point—so I can move onward and upward.

Eddiebuckle

I felt the same way - I don't think that anyone who seriously intends to do a fearless and thorough moral inventory looks forward to it. We would rather turn a blind eye to the things we have done that aren't consistent with who we want to be. As they say in the rooms, if all you do is remove the alcohol from an alcoholic, all that remains is "ick."

The truth is that sobriety is so much more than not drinking, and drinking was only one aspect of our dis-ease. But we cannot change what we are unwilling or unable to acknowledge. The point of the fourth step is not to make ourselves feel bad all over again for past transgressions, it is to find the roots of those actions - and learn to change them.

Those changes do not happen overnight, but the results are what you see when people who previously were unable to hold a job, be a reliable and worthy mate, or healthily engage in the world around them begin to change and grow from their previous selves. That is what we mean when we talk about progress, not perfection. It is a lifetime endeavor, but one we cannot begin until we honestly look at our shortcomings.

Do it now - and don't let your worries or doubts prevail. The work you do in the fourth step is the foundation of your sobriety and a better life.

Good luck, you won't regret it.

Friend Of Bill

the fourth step it's a fact finding fact facing process not a feeling finding we simply follow the directions between pages 64 + 69 write down the facts who I'm angry at and why the fourth column my part where I am selfish dishonest self-seeking and afraid the next part some fears then the sex inventory my conduct and behavior in every relationship don't get caught up in the fourth step trap where we sit there and start to remember and daydream and get all overwhelmed this is just where we put it on paper step 5 is where we feel and we are set free all we want to do is say the third step prayer invite God into the process and get it done we are without defense against that first drink when we make a decision in three it says face and be rid of what is blocking you from the sunlight of the Spirit not feel once taking this step we can be free of our past and discover one day at a time but if you don't want to do it don't you get exactly what you put into your recovery and if you think being sober is enough let me know how that works