dunkelheit

I've been depressed, and anti-social pretty much since I was a pre-teen. The only contact I ever have with other humans, is either when I want something (ie: a job), or when someone else wants something (ie: sex).

I never made any friends in college, and all my jobs have ended badly. The worst was when I punched a customer in the face when she pissed me off. All my friendships, or relationships, however brief, have ended badly.

I was diagnosed with c-PTSD last month (BPD and PTSD previously), but therapy hasn't done anything. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 14. My best friend's suicide impacted me pretty severely in high school, mostly because I was in an insane asylum for a year when she did it (couldn't offer support, I just disappeared one day from her life). She was my last friend, and that ended over a decade ago. Then a few months later I was back in the hospital again. If I do have c-PTSD, then it's because I was basically trapped in a yellow room for nearly 2 years as a teen. Now it's pretty much the same crap, in and out of hospitals, run-ins with the police, fights, etc.

Anyway, I can't seem to make, or keep friends. I have all these anti-social, morbid tattoos, and scars all over my body, but I think I come off as a regular person in general. I'm pretty attractive, so men seem to like me, at least before I tell them to **** off.

Anyone else find they suck at being human?

Dee74

I used to feel that way but I found that loving myself was the first step to having other people love me too.

It can take a long time to heal the wounds and scars of life but I hope you stick with it - everyone deserves a little peace happiness and joy

I connected a lot with people here - I hope you will too dunkelheit

D

greens

Oh I can relate dunkelheit. I also have ptsd and the co occurring diagnosis of anxiety and depression and I often convince myself that no one understands, even my therapists . It's a struggle, no therapy until Friday this week so Im trying to hang In there. It's funny you mentioned tattoos, I got my largest one yesterday and (just my experience ) it's amazing how healing the process is for me. Talk about trading one addiction for another . I was meditating and almost falling asleep during parts of it. It is only the outline so I can't wait to finish it with colors.
I have gotten some "dark" tattoos in the past too so now I get to cover them up with new artwork.
anwyays , hang in there. I know it's rough.

Soberwolf

What D said was exellent (thank you D)