Erratic

Woke up this morn thinking how I am doing? If honest with myself I can't stand the sight of me or who I am. I have this deep seeded hatred of myself which I can't seem to shift.

I do nothing around the house I do nothing with myself. I just can't seem to be bothered with anything anymore.

What is the point in doing anything if u can't stand urself?

I know it's my borderline and I thought being self aware about this illness would make it easier but nope it makes it 10 times harder as I continue to hate myself more knowing what I am and what it brings.

Sry just having a rant at myself

Treerat66

Hi Erratic,

Rant away.

autumn4

Sometimes when I have depression those feelings will come from deep within me as well.. so I have to remind myself
I am enough
No worse than anyone else in this life
I am kind & wouldnt even step on an ant
sensitive, refined & gentle
My childhood might have messed me up but God didnt bring me this far for me to beat up on myself!

What about you Erratic
can you list your three best qualities???

Erratic

Guess I'm with u on wouldn't step on an ant or hurt any animals.

Other that I'm out of ideas just now with myself.

Thanks autum x

SoberLeigh

(((Erratic)))).

You are here; you are trying; you are one of us.

Sobriety does involve a great deal of introspection and self-awareness. As we peel away the layers of our alcoholism, our most recent behaviors are most evident; most often those involve the shame, embarrassment and regret - we deal with it, understand it, learn from it and let it go and start with the next layer and do the same.

Eventually, we come down to the layers of who we really are - what we want and need to keep - the layers from which we want to build.

Keep peeling and digging Erratic. This is a process; it is not always comfortable but it is worth it.

Dee74

Maybe it's time to get some help again?

Sometimes being directly in the middle of something is not the best place to be in order to find your way out?...sometimes you need an outside perspective?

D

Erratic

thanks soberleigh xx

thanks dee x

I have my pysciatrist appointment tomorrow, my hubby is taking me so to make sure I go.

maybe I will go back to psychotherapy or something I cant keep on doing nothing.

hope u all have a good day xx

Dee74

I hope you can figure something out

nice avatar

D

Erratic

Thanks dee x

I am to come off my anti d slowly and have a gap time off and then see what to go on next. I'm also being referred back to psychotherapy that should help motivate me moving and thinking.

Glad u like my new avatar dee I changed a few pictures while I was on laptop. New changes xx

SoberLeigh

I am glad that you and your psychiatrist have formulated a plan, Erratic.

Glad, too, that SR is part of your plan; we are here for you.

Bassmasters

You know it's "your borderline". That's circular. Borderline is not who you are. Borderline is not something you have. Borderline is actions and behaviors which can be changed. Saying that it's "your borderline" is reinforcing the power of your habits and perceptions over yourself. That's not a wise play.

The solution is simple. Break free of your self-imposed prison. Yes, that means the work is on yourself. You are responsible for your actions, and behaviors. I'd suggest the first step would be never giving power over to a diagnostic suggestion, to the extent that it clouds your good judgment.

This isn't mere semantics, do be aware we program our subconscious by our choice of wording. It's just not healthy. You are behind the labels. Once you realize that, you can begin to create neural networks: perceptions, beliefs, actions, which bypass the label's networks.

Erratic

Thanks sober and bass x

Bass I get what ur saying I just forget sometimes. Thanks again for ur post x

KaylaK

Bass masters, I needed to hear this "You know it's "your borderline". That's circular. Borderline is not who you are. Borderline is not something you have. Borderline is actions and behaviors which can be changed. Saying that it's "your borderline" is reinforcing the power of your habits and perceptions over yourself". I've been diagnosed bi-polar and I have PTSD. I recently just got out of an in-patient stay at a neuropsychiatric hospital due to my mental illnesses as well as detoxing from alcohol. While I was there they told me I have Borderline Personality Disorder and all I could think was "great, just one more thing that's wrong with me". Thank you for saying what you did because you're exactly right, BPD is not an illness its a frame of mind and thought. I'm now enrolled for an IOP to learn DBT and to retrain the way I think and how I process my thoughts. It's great to see someone who understands and can give such great advice! Thank you!

tears

I feel your pain. Knowledge isn't power in the hands of the self-loathing. Instead, ignorance becomes bliss when you read page after page reinforcing a lack of hope.

After years gasping strong to a partial self-diagnosis of bipolar disorder...the relief of naming my demon was short lived. I soon learned, if I had children, I'd most likely be dooming them to suffer the same fate (likelihood of passing my mental illness on also depended on the genitics of any prospective father - which dampened my search for a lasting partner). I also read my illness is progressive & that certainly fit my personal experiences. And at first I felt relief as I appeared to somehow be among the small percentage of bipolars not also struggling with addiction. Then, I realized the late onset of addiction in both sides of my family (usually between 35-40 years old).

But the worst peice of knowledge came when I learned all my efforts, all my years of counseling & studying, could not stop the depression from trampling me again. It did no good plus I could no longer look for outside factors or blame.

I hate myself. Still.

And if anyone wants to see me go from docile to pissed in 2 seconds, just tell me I'll never find love in my life until I am able to love myself.

I've even had people tell me I have no right to begin a relationship with anyone because if I'm not "whole" enough to have self-love, then I'm not capable of giving 100% to a partner.

Such people have no clue how hard I've tried to learn to love myself. It didn't work. At all. So, I can either spend the rest of my life fixing the unfixable, or I can try to live my life as best I can.

I'm sorry I don't have any words if wisdom to offer. All I know is when not fighting off depression, I hate myself, but it doesn't rule my life. However, the more depressed I get, the the less inn able to half even existing in my own skin.

Cheers,
From someone who can relate.

Erratic

Thanks tears and Kay for responding xx

I have been tapering off my anti d so will see what change will happen.

Still don't like myself and really unsure what I can do about it nvm guess will have to live with it